Under Pressure
by Phoenix from the Sun
Summary: Kurt wanted his senior year to be magic, but after Blaine suffers a nervous breakdown, their life starts to fall apart as they slowly lose everything that they hold dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is some language and slight sexual content (also I'm sorry if they get a tad out of character, I am trying to correct this nasty habit of mine)

**Summary: **Even the strongest people reach their breaking point, but once they do can they ever get back what they've lost?

Named after the Queen and David Bowie song "Under Pressure" (I've changed the name like a million times, but I think that this one really captures what the story is trying to get at, I think this is the last change. Hopefully...)

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><p>The summer was over. The happy times that came with it were nothing but distant memories. School was starting back up. It was another year at William McKinley High School. Yet this year was different than the last one, it was senior year. This was the last chapter in the McKinley saga for many of the students. It was the last year before the rest of their lives.<p>

Although he knew he should be excited for the return of school, all Kurt Hummel wanted to do was lay in bed. The summer had gone by far too fast. It seemed like only yesterday he was at the Lima Bean declaring his love for his boyfriend, and now he was back to seeing each other only a few hours a day or on weekends. He wasn't looking forward to the distance.

He looked at the clock on his wall. It was eleven in the morning, way too late to still be in bed. Usually he would be concerned for himself. He never overslept. However, he knew today was different. This was depression. The last time he had seen Blaine was three days ago before he and his father had gone to New York to visit colleges. It was all starting to go into motion. When he heard that Blaine was going to New York, it was all real. This was the end of their carefree youth.

Kurt was broken out of his thoughts by a knock on the door. "Who is it?"

"It's me," Finn answered through the door. "Are you up?"

"I am now," Kurt answered as he rolled over in his bed.

"Good, because there's someone here to see you," Finn started to walk away. "They're downstairs."

Kurt took a deep breath as he rolled out of bed. It was Mercedes. Knowing that it was just her, he didn't even need to get changed. For the past couple of weeks she had been ranting to Kurt about Sam and how their short lived secret romance was just another factor to her "I don't need a man" mentality. Out of all of the men who he expected to skip town over the summer, Sam Evans was last on his list. Hell, he was surprised that Sam left Mercedes and Blaine was still with him. Sam was a sweet, romantic boy. Blaine was an imbecile when it came to love. Who else would spend all summer visiting colleges, working, and going on family vacations to help "reconnect" instead of spending time with his boyfriend?

He moved toward the stairs starting to make his way down, bracing himself for another onslaught of Mercedes ranting about Sam and how much of a douche he was and how he should brace himself for when Blaine disappeared. According to her, Blaine and Sam had a lot in common. They were people pleasers. They were both attractive. They were concerned about how people perceived them and would do anything to keep the air of perfection. The only difference was Sam disappeared early while Blaine was waiting for a much more inappropriate time.

As Kurt looked down the stairs, he was shocked to see who was at the bottom.

"Blaine?" Kurt smiled. It was his douche.

"Miss me?" Blaine looked up the stairs at his boyfriend, smiling nervously as he noticed that Kurt was still in pajamas. "Looks like you just got out of bed. You haven't been there since I left, have you?"

Kurt ran down the stairs to wrap his arms around Blaine in a tight embrace, resting his chin on his boyfriend's broad shoulders. "I missed you!"

"I was only gone for three days, Kurt," Blaine smiled as he returned the hug. "What are you going to do when the school year starts and you only see me two days a week?"

"You have to tell me everything!" Kurt didn't let go of Blaine, his arms still around him almost squeezing him to death. "I need details. How was your trip?"

Blaine pried Kurt's arms off of him to grab his hands, moving to plant a light kiss on each of them. "Other than the fact that I was stuck with my dad for three straight days it was awesome. Who doesn't love my daddy?"

"Daddy drama," Kurt hummed as he looked into Blaine's eyes. "What is the asshole up to these days?"

Blaine started to make his way toward the couch, practically skipping as Kurt knew he had something that he was just dying to say. "Same old crap. He's getting down on me for not having a girlfriend, not taking the college application process seriously, slacking before school, stuff like that." he sat down as he looked up at Kurt. "And then I did something that would make you so proud of me.

Kurt gave an a thousand watt smile. "What?"

Blaine swallowed hard, a nervous smile on his face as hazel eyes closed. Out of all of the stupid things that Blaine had ever done, what he said next had to be on the top of the _very _long list "I told him about you… about _us_. I told him we're dating."

Kurt froze in place, his smile fading instantly. All of a sudden he wished Blaine had skipped town. "You did what?"

"I told him that I was seeing someone," Blaine shook his head as his voice increased in pitch and speed. "I know that I should have asked you first, but it got to the point where I would say _anything_ to shut him up. It was exhausting hearing him ramble about how to live my life. I told him I was seeing a guy, and guess what he said."

Kurt moved to sit next to his boyfriend. "_What the hell has gotten into you_? _Let's see if you still like boys after I beat your ass_?"

Blaine shook his head, biting at his lip until he ended the guessing game, his voice low as if he was ashamed of what he was about to say. "He wants to meet you…"

Kurt's jaw dropped wondering if he had misheard him. "What?"

Blaine moved to grasp Kurt's hands in his, his eyes not looking into Kurt's. "I know that you said you didn't want to meet him. I have really demonized this man to you, and I don't blame you for hating him, but never in a million years did I think he would ever want to meet a guy I was dating."

"I don't know how you did that?" Kurt shook his head, still trying to make sense of what was going on, waiting for Blaine to tell him this was all a joke. "Doesn't _Daddy Dearest_ hate your sexuality? Doesn't he think it's a sickness or something stupid like that?"

Mr. Anderson. Every time that Kurt heard about that man, he liked him less and less. He was controlling, overprotective, and closed minded. When he told Blaine to do something, he expected it to be done or there would be consequences. Blaine told him about the horror stories of the pre-Dalton Blaine. His father and mother did nothing to try to help him when he was getting tortured every day he went to school. It wasn't until a boiling point where Blaine almost died that they decided to take him out of there. The stories made Kurt's stomach churn: any man who would let his son suffer that much, who let his son almost die, wasn't held in high regard in his mind.

"Well? Will you go?" Blaine's eyes sparkled as he kissed at Kurt's hands. He was begging his boyfriend not to let him look like an idiot in front of his father. "It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Once you meet him you will never have to speak to him again."

Kurt cleared his throat as he closed his eyes. "Fine… but I won't have any fun… and you'll have to help me pick my outfit… and you'll be paying for anything new I have to buy for this inevitably horribly, awkward dinner."

Blaine smiled as he wrapped his arms around Kurt in a deep hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Kurt's hand moved to the stroke at Blaine's back, his fingers tingling as he moved up against the course cotton of Blaine's sweater. "I'm shocked that you stood up to him. I thought that you were scared of him."

Blaine inhaled as he ran his nose along Kurt's shoulder. "I want him to meet my potential future husband…"

"Now, now, Blaine— let's not get ahead of ourselves," Kurt moved to kiss at Blaine's temple. "We've only been together five months."

"Five long, _beautiful_ months," Blaine backed away, untangling himself from Kurt to look him in the eye. "And here's to five more _beautiful_ months…"

Kurt smiled as Blaine pressed his lips up against his in an innocent kiss. It was then followed by another. A series of innocent kisses were planted on each other's mouths as they increased in passion. Kurt fell up against the couch as Blaine's tongue moved past his lips, the wet sounds of their mouths colliding filling the room.

"Get dressed," Blaine whispered on Kurt's lips. "We need to get out of here. Catch up in a not so _intimate_ way."

Kurt kissed at Blaine's cheek. "I like bonding this way."

"I know you do," Blaine's nose rubbed up against Kurt's as his voice was a hushed whisper. "But you see, Kurt. If we stay here on the couch, we're not going to talk… we're going to make out."

"What's wrong with that?" Kurt giggled as he kissed gently at Blaine's neck.

"Because then you're not going to pay attention to me," Blaine let out a quiet moan as Kurt kissed deeper at his neck. "And I have needs, non-physical needs."

Kurt sighed as he looked into Blaine's eyes. Contrary to what many would believe, the tables had turned. Blaine, who once wanted the physical aspects to dominate the relationship, had suddenly wanted to talk more. Kurt however had just gotten used to the physicality of an intimate relationship. He enjoyed the make out sessions that they had, he loved how close Blaine was to him and how romantic it could be to just lay in bed and kiss the man he loved passionately.

He ran his hand along Blaine's face as he took another deep breath. He wanted to lay on the couch until school started and make out with his boyfriend; something that he knew wouldn't be able to happen when Blaine returned to Dalton. Blaine was either too busy or too tired to drive the two hours that were between them. When he did, all he wanted to do was sleep. Now, on one of their last days of freedom, Blaine wanted to talk even more. Once again, Blaine had won.

"Fine," Kurt rolled his eyes. "But you owe me a make out session."

"Deal," Blaine breathed as he kissed at Kurt's forehead.

OOOOO

After five outfits and Blaine practically dragging Kurt out of the house, they had finally made it to the coffee shop. As they sat there drinking their coffee, it was dead silent. Every time Blaine said something, Kurt would just doze off. Most of their conversations these days started with Blaine talking about himself, a subject Kurt was getting a little tired of. He just wanted to sit and silently drink his coffee. That was until Blaine broke the silence.

"So I'm applying to ten colleges…"

Kurt looked down at his coffee cup. It was starting again. Blaine was talking about himself in the worst way possible. Oh how he loved it when Blaine talked about college. College talks were definitely his _favorite_. Blaine was _so _smart, and Blaine was _so_ talented, and Blaine was _so _rich. He loved Blaine to death, but he didn't know how much longer he could talk about all of the schools that he was applying to.

"How many are you applying to?" Blaine broke Kurt out of his haze. Were they talking about someone other than the _fabulous _Mr. Blaine Anderson and his _glorious_ future? "You _have_ considered applying to colleges, right Kurt? If you don't apply early, your chances decrease and you'll be stuck in Ohio forever."

"Of course I have. I'm looking into several," Kurt answered, taking a quick sip of his coffee. "But Blaine, don't you think this conversation is a little… _morose_?"

Blaine swallowed a mouthful of coffee. "_Morose_?"

"Morose," Kurt could see the confused look on Blaine's face. "Like depressing…"

"I know what morose means, Kurt," Blaine put the coffee back on the table. "I don't think this is morose. I think this is important to talk about. After all, this is our future we're talking about."

"We still have senior year," Kurt took a deep breath as Blaine took another sip of coffee (whenever they had little spats like this, Blaine's nervous tick was to compulsively drink coffee). "I still feel like there's more that has to be done. This is the last year I'm going to be in Ohio. I want my senior year to be magic."

Blaine sighed dramatically. He clearly didn't understand what Kurt was trying to say. For a guy with over a 4.0 GPA he wasn't very smart. "Magic? How so?"

"I don't know, I guess I want it to mean something. Don't you want this year to be magic? Don't you want it to mean something?" Kurt looked into Blaine's eyes seeing uneasiness starting to form.

"I just want to get through it," Blaine looked down at his coffee (whenever Blaine was ashamed of what he was talking about, he never made eye contact). "Sometimes I look forward to life out of high school. I yearn for the day when I get out of Ohio. I really hate this place."

"You make it sound like Hell," Kurt laughed as he didn't see the same emotion on Blaine's face. "What is it? You don't seem like your chipper self today. You're usually all smiles and giggles."

"I've been to two different high schools, Kurt," Blaine took a deep breath that sounded almost painful. "I guess as high school comes to a close, all of my regrets are coming back to torment me."

"I've been to two different high schools too," Kurt smiled as he reached to grab Blaine's hand. "That's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not like you chose to leave for no reason. You were _beaten_, Blaine. Those bullies, they _hit_ you. They probably wanted to _kill_ you. I don't want you to think that it's your fault that you left your old school. I especially don't want you blaming your sexuality for any of this. You're an inspiration. You survived and you're not ashamed of who you are," Kurt tightened his grip on his boyfriend's hand, moving to kiss at it earning a small smile from Blaine as a reward. "And now look at you; you're having so much fun at Dalton."

Blaine snickered. "Fun? I sleep four hours a night. When I'm not sleeping, it's all academics. People don't bully me because they're too busy trying not to crumble under the workload or they're scared of getting expelled. It would probably be better if I didn't have my father breathing down my neck all day. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that the Warbler's treat me like I'm Jesus Christ. If that's fun, I would hate to see what Hell is like."

Somehow Kurt had changed the conversation to something even more disheartening. "Well you could always come to McKinley."

"That's even more depressing. Starting new all over again," Blaine's hand tightened on Kurt's. "There's one year left, Kurt. In June this is all going to be over and I'll have my independence. And I'll have you… all day."

Kurt nervously ran his hand along Blaine's. "Let's talk about something happier. I need to get you out of your post Poppa Anderson funk."

"Better men than you have tried," Blaine sighed as he stared blankly into the distance. "But in the end that man just sucks all of the life out of me."

"I know what will make you feel better," Kurt smiled a wicked smile. "Something that always seems to do the trick whenever you get down on yourself."

"I'm flattered, Kurt. However, I'm not really in the mood right now…" Blaine nervously took another sip of coffee, swallowing it quickly almost choking on it. "I guess I'm depressing you. I'm sorry for talking about this with you. You don't want to hear me talk like this."

"It's alright. I'm your boyfriend. You can tell me anything. I will never judge you for anything you say. I want to know everything about you," he tightened his grip on his boyfriend's hand. "I love you, Blaine."

Blaine smiled as he ran his thumb along the back of Kurt's hand. "I'm sure there's something I could come up with to make you judge me."

Those words sent a chill throughout Kurt's body. Although they had been together for five months and friends for even longer than that, there was a lot that Kurt still didn't know about Blaine. He had never met his parents, he had never been to his house, and he never really talked about his past in full detail. There was a large grey area when it came to Blaine where Kurt just had to assume that everything was fine and dandy. He held onto Blaine's hand longer as he looked into his boyfriend's eyes. He vowed that from this moment on he wanted to learn as much as he could about Blaine Anderson.

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><p>I'm so sorry for any errors that may still be in here, I read it over a million times but I have the worst spelling and grammar in the world! But other than any potential grammar or spelling issues, I think that I'm pleased enough with this to post it. This is my first <em>Glee<em> story ever, but I have been throwing around a few ideas so you may see more (but now I am rambling.)

Feel free to leave feedback

This story will be a very strong "M Rating" from this moment on, you have been warned.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, sexual content, references to drug use, and severe psychological issues. Also there may be some OOC. (The italics represent a flashback.)

**Summary: **Even the strongest people reach their breaking point, but once they do can they ever get back what they've lost?

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><p>The school year came back faster than Kurt would have liked it to. The days where he was able to make out with Blaine all day were now gone as he was back at Dalton Academy working until he bled. The year that he wanted to be magical was all of a sudden looking even more depressing as he knew he was to return to glee club drama and a boyfriend who would rather sleep than spend time with each other.<p>

Kurt sat in lunch, staring off into space wondering if his "magical" year was going to be a little less cosmic now that Blaine was going to be buried up to his shoulders in work. He was broken out of his haze by Tina.

"How was your summer?" Tina looked over at Kurt, trying to get him involved in their conversation.

"Same old, same old," Kurt sighed. He knew it wasn't going to end at that.

"So did you and Blaine do anything _interesting_ over the break?" Kurt knew what Tina was getting at.

"No, we didn't have sex," Kurt looked down at his water bottle.

"I thought you were planning on doing that over the summer?" Tina asked, sounding almost disappointed that Kurt's virginity was still very much intact.

"And why would you think that?" Kurt was almost offended by that statement.

"Because before you left you were like 'I am totally going to screw Blaine over the summer'," Tina rested her elbows on the table. "Did you have _complications_?"

Mercedes joined the conversation. "Did he leave?"

Over the summer, all Kurt and Mercedes talked about was Sam and how Blaine was going to do the same thing. He was getting a little annoyed with his friends trying to pry into his personal life. One of them was only interested if he had sex with Blaine and the other one was just waiting for Blaine to skip town. When he talked to Blaine he would only talk about the future forgetting that they had another year left in Ohio. Kurt missed conversations that didn't involve such depressing subjects.

"Nope, he's still here…" Kurt answered quickly. "I've tried everything, but damn it I just can't get rid of him. Whatever am I going to do?"

"Sarcasm?" Mercedes shook her head. "Well some things didn't change over the summer."

"Blaine must have still been here recently otherwise I really want to know who gave Kurt the hickey," Tina laughed as she looked at Kurt's neck.

"Did your make up wear off or something? It's not like you to show up to school with a blatant hickey on your neck," Mercedes asked as her attention was on the mark on Kurt's neck.

"No, I just wanted to rub in your face that I have boyfriend and you don't," Kurt placed his hand over where his friend's eyes had become glued to. "Blaine must have gotten a little carried away during one of our make outs. I didn't really notice it. I got dressed in a hurry this morning."

Kurt's mind wandered as Tina and Mercedes kept talking about the hickey. Making out with Blaine was something that Kurt could do for his whole life. Feeling Blaine's body so close to his, to feel his breathing stop as his heart raced was all so exhilarating, so mature. To feel Blaine's lips tremble up against his as their bodies were woven together was a sensation that Kurt wished he could live through all day. Blaine was the most beautiful person he had ever met in his life, inside and out.

He came back to the conversation and looked at his two friends. "Besides, Blaine and I have something special. I'm not ashamed of our relationship or of him. It's just a hickey! I don't know why everyone gets so touchy about them. It just means that I got a little carried away with a person I care for."

"Last June you would have freaked out if you had a hickey at school," Mercedes continued to pry. "Are you sure you guys didn't do it. I think Blaine is rubbing off on you."

"I'm positive," Kurt took a nervous sip of his water. "That is unless Blaine's keeping a dirty secret from me."

"How far have you two gotten anyway?" Mike was clearly rubbing off on Tina with these questions.

Kurt swallowed hard as he knew he had to answer the question, his voice low as he did. "Blowjobs…" he saw shock on their faces that his response had been rewarded with. "But since we're on the subject and we're all friends, can I ask you something?" They both nodded. "We tried to have sex once, but Blaine stopped us. It was only a month or so ago. We had decided it was an appropriate time to make love, so we waited until my father was working late and Finn and Carole were out. We decided how we would do it in a very mature manner."

"_Okay I'm heads and you're tails," Kurt smiled as they both looked down at the coin. "Are you ready?"_

_Blaine nodded nervously. "Yeah, flip it."_

_Kurt flipped the coin, both of them closing their eyes as Kurt caught it in his hand, slapping it onto the bed. "Tails…"_

"_Aw man…" Blaine shook his head. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea anymore."_

_Blaine moved off of the bed, Kurt's hands moving to grasp at his wrists pulling him back. "Now, now Blaine let's be reasonable. We agreed to a coin toss and it was tails, you know what that means."_

"_I thought I could take consent away whenever I wanted…" Blaine smiled nervously._

"_Don't give me that cute, little smile of yours. It's not going to work this time, and neither is the spoiled brat act. I carry that look way better than you."_

_Blaine took a deep breath, moving forward to kiss Kurt firmly on the lips, their arms tangling with each other as they fell against the bed. It increased in passion, the kissing becoming brutal as Blaine's short breaths morphed into deep moans. Kurt's hands moved to unzip Blaine's sweatshirt, their eyes meeting as he pushed it off of his shoulders. They met in another kiss as Kurt dropped the garment to the ground._

_Kurt's fingers shook as he undid Blaine's jeans, his lips kissing at Blaine's jaw line. He was shaking underneath his touch, his hands moving to press against Kurt's shoulder blades as he tried to steady his nerves._

"Okay I understand, you and Blaine are madly in love and your love can make the world stop spinning and bring peace to the entire world, but can you please stop it with all of the graphic details and get to your damn dilemma," Mercedes never really liked it when Kurt went too deep into details of his romantic life with Blaine.

"_You're so beautiful, Blaine," Kurt whispered up against Blaine's lips before kissing him again. "So damn beautiful."_

"_You've been reading Cosmo way too much," Blaine kissed at Kurt's lips, his body shuddering as his body was pushed deeper into the bed, Kurt's hands planted on his shoulders. "Not so rough, Kurt…"_

"_I'm sorry. I'm new at this…"_

_They continued kissing, Kurt easing up every time he was too forceful with his Blaine. He was too hungry. He was going too fast. He was overwhelming Blaine. He kissed deeper, feeling Blaine's muscles tighten as he moved to pull down his pants, throwing them to the floor next to the sweatshirt._

"_Slow down," Blaine breathed heavily. "We can take our time…"_

_He was cut off by another kiss. "My dad comes home from work in an hour."_

"_Trust me, you're not going to last an hour…"_

_They kissed each other again as Kurt's hand moved to the nightstand to grab hold of the bottle of lube that he had set there. He hurriedly opened the cap and poured it onto his fingers. That was when Blaine pushed Kurt off of him._

"_Wait," Blaine was almost breathless. "Can't we kiss a little longer?"_

"_I know you're still sore about it coming up tails, but come on Blaine," Kurt moved his fingers to Blaine's entrance. "Just relax…"_

"Honestly, I don't know why I was in such a hurry. I don't know why I didn't listen to Blaine," Kurt shook his head, "But after I… you know… I wished that I had."

"What happened?" Kurt loved how Tina always humored him when he was telling a story.

Kurt took a deep breath as he remembered what happened next, the image still making him sick to his stomach.

_Blaine gagged as he bit at his lips, his stomach muscles tensing as he closed his eyes tightly. The noises that were rolling out of his mouth didn't sound like any of the noises that Kurt had ever heard before. They were pained; his body was shaking his hands moved to Kurt's shoulder._

"_Stop! Stop!" Kurt moved off of him as fast as he could as he heard those words. "Jesus fucking Christ, Kurt! What the fuck is your problem?"_

"I didn't know what was happening. I just remember seeing droplets of blood on my fingers and I panicked. Then I started crying as he put his clothes back on. I couldn't believe I did that to him."

"You made him bleed?" Mercedes now wanted in on the conversation.

"That wasn't even the worst part," Kurt took a quick sip of water. "Then he hit me with the biggest bombshell I could have ever imagined."

"_Did it ever occur to you that maybe I've never done anything like this before?" Blaine zipped his sweatshirt back up, the zipper jamming once before he added a monstrous amount of force to zip it all the way up. "Didn't that thought cross your mind when I told you that I've never had a boyfriend before?"_

_Kurt finally connected the dots. "Oh my God, you're a virgin…"_

"Blaine's a virgin?" Tina asked, her voice making it sound like Blaine's innocence being intact was a cry against humanity. People from the next tables over stared at them as a response to her loud outburst.

"Tell everyone, why don't you. Why don't you just make a whole bunch of _Blaine's a Virgin _posters and put them all over the school so the whole damn world will know…" Kurt's voice was a hushed whisper as he nervously smiled at all of the eyes on them

Tina lowered her voice. "But he seems so… _experienced._"

"Well he's dry humped guys and he's gotten blowjobs from guys, but no one's ever touched _that area_…" Kurt shook his head. "I mean I guess I thought that he had slept with guys because he knew so much about sex."

"Not everyone is an idiot like you when it comes to that kind of stuff…" Mercedes laughed.

Kurt rolled his eyes at her insensitive comment. "I'm sorry. I'm not the one who thought you could get AIDS from a freaking cucumber!"

"Can we please stop the fighting, Mercedes. We're trying to help Kurt here…" Tina got them back on track. "Then what happened?"

"He got really pissed and stormed out of my house without his four thousand dollar boots and drove all the way to Westerville barefoot. But you should have seen how pissed he was. It was horrifying! I tried calling him and texting him but he wouldn't talk to me. I even left 'I'm sorry for making you sad' messages all over his Facebook page. It took three dinner dates, one movie date, and five coffee dates for Blaine to feel comfortable being naked around me again," then Kurt gave them the question he wanted to ask all along. "Do you think that means he doesn't want to have sex?"

"I think you just did too much too fast," Tina answered. She was so sweet to Kurt.

"Or maybe he's just playing the cute card so when he skips town you'll feel like you did something wrong." Mercedes was far from sweet. "And we have a bigger issue if he thinks it's acceptable to spend four thousand dollars on a pair of stupid boots."

"Okay, you have not seen these stupid boots. He got them when he went to London over last spring break. They hadn't even featured on the runways when he bought them. Apparently, his uncle knows the designer," Kurt continued to ramble on about the boots, trying to lessen the blow of the judgmental comments that were come from his _sexcapades_. "I took care of them for a week. I polished them. I talked to them. I played them music. They are the most beautiful boots I have ever seen in my life. I would have stolen them, but they aren't my size."

"Back on topic, Kurt, it takes more than five minutes for a person to get ready to take that step. Not only did you hurt him, but I don't think that he's ready to have sex with you. Just stop pressuring and I think it'll be alright," Tina moved to rub Kurt's shoulder as she changed the subject. "What colleges are you applying to?"

Kurt wanted to scream. He spent all summer talking about this with Blaine. "Can we please talk about something else?"

OOOOO

Blaine walked out of the classroom. He was back in Hell. School had just started and he was already assigned an essay, something just to consume more of his time and his energy. On top of that, the Warbler's had the audacity to start practices this early in the year. He felt the pressure building up inside him. Already it was getting to be too much.

It was difficult being Blaine Anderson. Not only was he attractive, maintaining an intimate relationship with the love of his life, the lead singer in their immensely talented show choir and pulling a GPA higher than 4.0, but he also was the most popular person at this school. People expected him to be perfect every day. It was exhausting. He barely slept, although he was worn out at night. He had to make time in his schedule to eat. As he walked through the hall he just wanted one moment's peace.

He reached in his bag to feel for the bottle of pills. It was time to take another one. He had to take his pills three times a day: once when he woke up, once in the middle of the day and one before he went to bed. The pills had taken over his life. Blaine suffered from depression and panic disorder both of these coming to light in his early teens. In the past four years, he had experienced over twenty panic attacks, some were small whereas others would cause him to stop breathing and black out. These pills were the only thing that was keeping him in line. The downside was they sucked the energy out of him at the end of the day, something that Kurt had been complaining about for months. How he wished he could just dump them down the drain.

He heard his phone go off, it was a text message. It was from Kurt.

"_Are you enjoying Hell today? ;)"_

Blaine smiled as he replied quickly.

"_The Hounds of Hell don't like it when I text between classes."_

Kurt apparently either didn't care, or was illiterate.

"_Can you come over to my house after school? I miss you T.T"_

Blaine looked around to see if anyone cared that he was texting. Of course no one did. He was their God. He could get away with murder at this school.

"_What are we going to do at said house?"_

He really needed to stop texting, Kurt was going to get him in trouble.

"_Make out silly. XD"_

Blaine smiled as he read that message. Kurt was always so blunt.

"Texting during school, Blaine? I didn't think you lived that dangerously?"

Blaine looked up to see Jeff standing in front of him. "Oh please, if they suspend me this school would shut down. Half of you would stay home crying and the other half would just wander the school aimlessly not knowing what to do."

Jeff laughed as he shook his head. "Kurt's been rubbing off on you… you're snarky today," he looked over to try to read Blaine's phone. "Is that who you're texting?"

"Maybe," Blaine buried the phone in his bag. "If they don't want me to text they should use the ridiculous amount of money that my father uses on tuition to invest in a cell phone jammer."

"Someone's edgy," Jeff chuckled as he continued to walk by Blaine. "Did someone forget to take his meds?"

"Someone got only four hours of sleep last night," Blaine stopped walking as he realized what Jeff had just said. "How do you know I'm medicated?"

"Come on, Blaine," Jeff made it sound like it was common knowledge that Blaine was on pills when in fact not even his own boyfriend knew. "I've seen you take them in the bathroom. Not to mention, I've noticed the mood swings over your time here. What are they for anyway?"

Blaine shook his head. "I'm not a junkie."

"I know, it's in a prescription bottle and your morals are too strong to steal someone's prescribed medication," Jeff took a deep breath. "So if you don't mind, what are you taking them for?"

Blaine swallowed hard as he closed his eyes. He thought for sure that no one knew about the pills. For the past two years at Dalton, he tried to make it seem like he was perfect. He was perfect, happy Blaine not depressed, psychotic Blaine. His image was already starting to crumble, his lungs feeling heavy as breath wasn't coming to him.

"They're anti-anxiety pills and anti-depressants," that wasn't necessarily a lie; those were the pills he was taking. The reason why he was taking them was the lie. "My dad thinks that I'm only kissing boys because I'm upset that girls don't like me."

If it was anyone else in the world it would have ended there. There would be no more questions. Not Jeff. Jeff was tenacious. He never gave up. "But girls love you. They literally throw themselves at your feet. ."

"My dad doesn't know that," Blaine could see himself crumbling into little pieces as his breathing became coarse and rough. It was like the first black cloud in the sky before the storm. "He doesn't follow me around."

Somehow he knew that Jeff wasn't just going to walk away. "You look pale and your breathing's shaky."

"Do I?" Blaine felt his stomach start to twist as he spoke, his voice almost pained. He wanted Jeff to go away before he broke down, and he knew he was going to breakdown soon. The countdown had already started.

"Are you alright?" Jeff's voice echoed in Blaine's ears as the world around him distorted. It was happening again. The numbers were winding down faster than he had hoped.

Blaine wasn't able to register what happened next, it was like his mind had just shut off. For a moment, he blacked out. All he remembered was running by Jeff, and when his consciousness came back he was in a bathroom stall vomiting violently. His body shook as he retched, his breathing ragged, his hands struggling to keep his balance as he gripped at the toilet seat. He coughed as only stomach acid continued to pass his lips, his abdominal muscles convulsing as he struggled to stop vomiting. He flushed the toilet as he finished, struggling to catch his breath as he fell against the wall of the stall. He could feel the sweat rolling down his face, as his breathing nearly stopped in his chest.

_That was an anxiety attack. Think Blaine. Did you take your pill this morning?_ He went through his morning routine, trying desperately to remember if he took his meds. He did seem strangely focused in Latin class. The pills usually made him just focused enough to do what was expected of him. When he was off of them, his mind would open up, his focus was limitless. It was then clear; he had forgotten to medicate himself this morning. He was lucky that this was all that happened.

"Blaine, are you okay?" it was Jeff.

"Y-yeah… I'm fine…" Blaine's voice was hoarse; his stomach was still twisting violently, his limbs still shaking as the attack rolled through his body with devastation. "I-I guess I'm just sick."

He moved to vomit again, nothing passing his lips except for more stomach acid as tears rolled down his eyes. His muscles were aching, his lungs were on fire, his heart was racing. He swallowed a mouthful of stomach acid as he flushed the toilet again, his throat burning at the sensation of the acid going down.

"Did you just throw up?" Jeff was up against the door, Blaine focus fading in and out as his head was spinning. "Blaine! Answer me!"

"Y-yeah," Blaine wiped at his mouth as he reached into his bag to get his medication. "I heard there was a bug going around school. I must have caught it."

He found the bottle of pills; he opened it quickly and popped one of the pills into his mouth, swallowing it without water. He leaned up against the wall as he struggled to catch his breath. His body was sore with pain, his nerves on fire as his muscles were stiff. An anxiety attack of that violent nature hadn't happened to him in a long time. It was only minor blackouts and chest pains these days.

"Keep talking to me. Are you okay in there?" Jeff sounded genuinely concerned for Blaine's condition, and he didn't even know Blaine's condition.

"I'm fine, Jeff," Blaine struggled to his feet, shoving the bottle of pills back in his bag. He moved to open the door seeing Jeff right outside with a look of relief on his face. "See… I'm alive."

"You look horrible. Dude, are you sure you're alright?" Jeff followed Blaine out of the bathroom, keeping up with him even though Blaine was trying to shake him. "How can you be so cool? You just vomited up your guts. It sounded pretty extreme in there. Are you sure this isn't serious?"

Blaine stopped and turned to look Jeff square in the eye, the concern that was on his face was almost laughable. "Jeffrey, how long have you known me?"

Jeff raised an eyebrow. "Two years."

"And in those two years we've known each other how often did I get sick?" Blaine prayed to God that Jeff would drop it. "Honestly…"

"Like all the time. You're always coughing, or puking…" Jeff didn't know where this was going. "I just always thought it was stress, but never anything like _that_. Your eyes went blank. "

"Exactly, I get sick all the damn time. So why get upset over me vomiting? For all I know maybe I ate something off," Blaine knew that he was dancing around the subject. The last thing he wanted was for Jeff to know that he was a nut job. "It's not like I'm going to die."

"You know if you want to skip practice, we would totally understand," Jeff walked behind Blaine as he started walking again.

"I couldn't…" Blaine shook his head. "If we start to fall behind now we'll never make it to Regionals…"

"As a fellow member of the Warbler Council, I command that you go home and get some rest. The last thing I want is for you to puke all over the rest of the choir," Jeff placed his hand on Blaine's shoulder. "I think maybe you should think about having your dad come pick you up if you're that sick."

"I can manage the rest of the school day, but thanks for being so sympathetic," Blaine nodded as Jeff took his hand away. "I just really don't think he wants to be bothered with this kind of thing."

As Jeff walked away, Blaine pulled out his phone and quickly texted to Kurt.

"_Skipping Warbler practice because I'm sick."_

He walked as Kurt's response came back only moments later.

"_My poor baby! What do you want me to do to make you feel better?"_

Blaine looked around to see if there was anyone around before texting back: _"I think we can figure something out."_

OOOOO

When Kurt got out of school, Blaine was already waiting for him in the driveway. It didn't take them long to make their way up to Kurt's bedroom. He wasn't sure if Kurt had forgotten that he was sick or that he didn't care because he couldn't keep his hands off of him. What was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon with Kurt catering to his "oh so very sick" boyfriend turned into another one of their many make-out sessions.

"Can I ask you something?" Blaine breathed as he wrapped his arms around Kurt's body. "How do you always get me to do whatever you want?"

"Because I think my bossiness turns you on," Kurt kissed at his boyfriend's neck. "Isn't this better than Warbler practice? You said you wanted to blow off some steam. I thought this would take some of the pressure off."

Blaine's body shook as Kurt bit gently as his neck, running his tongue along his skin. His body tightened, his arms wrapping around Kurt's ribcage, pressing his hands up against his back. He took a deep breath before Kurt took his lips in a deep kiss, sliding his tongue into his mouth. Slowly, all of the panic that he melted into Kurt's body, his hands shaking up against his back.

"I love you, Blaine," Kurt moved to kiss at his neck again.

Blaine closed his eyes as he ran his hand along the back of Kurt's head. "Do you really mean that?"

Kurt was almost insulted at what Blaine was insinuating, backing away from his neck to look him in the eyes. "Of course I mean that. I love you, Blaine. All of you."

"But you don't know all of me… there's a lot that you don't know about me…" Blaine's hands were shaking as he tried to control his breathing. "I want to come clean. I just want you to know that no matter what I tell you, no matter how severe it is, that I'm still the guy you fell in love with."

"What's gotten into you? You've been saying a lot of weird things lately. Like what you said in the coffee shop, that you know there's something about you will make me judge you. What are you hiding?" Kurt ran his fingers along Blaine's cheek, moving closer to breathe hot breath on his lips. "You can tell me…"

"Kurt…" Blaine could feel tears starting to form in his eyes as he knew that it was time to come clean. "I'm not perfect."

"Yes you are…" Kurt kissed at Blaine's forehead. "You're the most perfect guy I've met in my life."

That response made Blaine rethink his whole speech. "You think I'm perfect?"

"I think you're _absolutely_ perfect," he kissed gently at Blaine's lips. "No matter what, you will always be perfect in my eyes. And I know that I sound like a broken record, but I love you, Blaine. _All_ of you…"

Blaine closed his eyes as Kurt kissed deeply at his lips. Their bodies moved against each other at Kurt situated himself in between Blaine's legs, his hands resting on his shoulders. Blaine's body moved up against Kurt's as he let out a low moan. He loved Kurt. He loved Kurt more than he loved anything. Kurt was the only person who thought that he was perfect. As he felt Kurt's lips run down his neck, he knew that he didn't want to lose this.

"What did you want to tell me?" Kurt asked as he kissed at Blaine's jaw. "What baggage did you want to load off on me?"

Blaine took a deep breath. This was the moment that he was trying to put off since the moment that he met Kurt. He literally had nightmares about this moment, the moment where he would come clean. He couldn't count the nights where he woke up in a cold sweat thinking of the horror. It always ended the same: Kurt would run away unable to take the fact that the person that he idolized was weak, that he was nothing, that he was a disappointment. Kurt's eyes still looked at him like he was beautiful, like he was strong and confident. He didn't want to lose that. He never wanted to lose that. He'd die before he lost that.

What he said next wasn't necessarily a lie. "I-I used to smoke…"

Kurt's eyes grew wide. "Like pot?"

"No," Blaine took a deep breath as he held back the urge to tell the whole truth. He couldn't. He couldn't lose the safety of this relationship now that his demons were back. "I smoked cigarettes. I know how you feel about smokers and I was so ashamed that you would hate me if you knew the truth."

"Did you quit?" Kurt stroked Blaine's face, his voice a low whisper. "I mean I don't want to judge you. But Blaine… that _kills_ people," he kissed at his jaw line, Blaine's body shivering as he closed his eyes relishing in the sensation. "I want to live a long, happy life with you. If you smoke, I'm scared that something will happen to you… I can't lose someone else I love."

"Not to worry, I don't smoke anymore," Blaine swallowed painfully against lies that were begging to come to light. "I will always choose you over whatever baggage I have. You are the most important thing in my life. I hit the jackpot when I got you."

"Come here," Kurt whispered as he kissed at Blaine's lips again, his hands tightening on his shoulders. "I know you're nervous… but I'm not pressuring you anymore. I'm willing to wait for you, just like you were willing to wait for me… as long as it takes. Whenever you're ready, I'm ready…" he smiled as he ran his nose along Blaine's. "Who knew I would be ready to make love before you were?"

"I had a feeling," Blaine smiled, his body shuddering against Kurt's touch. "I never liked opening up to people in that way…"

Kurt kissed gently at Blaine's lips. "You can open up to me. You know why?" Blaine shook his head playfully. "Because I love you, Blaine Anderson…"

Blaine smiled gently into the kiss. "I love you too…"

They fell into a sea of deep kisses and sweet caresses as Blaine hid what he was really ashamed of. The truth was he wasn't as perfect as Kurt thought he was, not even close.

* * *

><p>This chapter delves a little into what Blaine is going to be dealing with the whole story, the next chapter should cover what Kurt is going to be dealing with and how their problems are going to start to clash.<p>

Feel free to leave feedback (I know you guys are reading, don't be shy to review).

Let's see if I can have a story that makes it to the third chapter mark.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, reference to sexuality, references to drug use, and severe psychological issues (including a slight nervous breakdown). Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't adhere to the season three canon as this was thought up before the season premiered

**Summary: **Even the strongest people reach their breaking point, but once they do can they ever get back what they've lost?

* * *

><p>"Can I talk to you about something? Because I know that you actually care about Blaine. You're probably the only person I talk to who cares about Blaine." Kurt took a deep breath as he looked over at Rachel.<p>

"What's wrong? Is he in trouble?" Rachel wasn't exactly Kurt's best friend, but unlike Mercedes who was irrationally jealous of Blaine and Tina who only cared if Kurt and Blaine were sleeping together she actually cared about Blaine. She was actually interested in what happened between the two of them in a vertical position.

"I don't know, maybe. Three days ago dropped a bombshell on me," Kurt swallowed hard as if he was about to tell Rachel something horrifying. "He used to smoke, or at least that's what he told me…"

"Well a lot of people smoke. And although I'm appalled that he would pump his body full of all of those chemicals, I can understand why he did it. He apparently has some sort of stress issue or maybe he has a body image problem," Rachel looked into Kurt's eyes; she could see the horror that was in them. "There's more to this isn't there?"

Kurt took a deep breath as he reached into his bag, his fingers shaking against what was in his fingers. He remembered the shock that rolled through his body when he found them in Blaine's school bag. He knew that he wasn't supposed to go through Blaine's personal things, but his curiosity got the best of him. He pulled it out and threw it onto Rachel's lap; he had to get them out of his hands.

"Cigarettes?" Rachel asked as she picked up the package. "You found these in Blaine's bag, didn't you?"

"He told me he quit. But as you can see there's a few missing. Unless he's kept those in his bag for over a year, he's smoking again," Kurt shook his head. "I can't believe he lied to me about this."

Rachel put the pack of cigarettes on the stage they were sitting on. "I'm sure he had a good reason to lie about this. And in all honesty I don't think you should be snooping around his personal effects if you don't want to find stuff like this."

"Don't be on his side," Kurt answered, his voice shaking. "He doesn't need you to stick up for him."

"You can be a little cruel to him sometimes, Kurt. Sometimes I think you expect too much of him…" Rachel looked down at the cigarettes. "He's most likely ashamed of this and that's why he didn't want to tell you that he started smoking again. He was probably afraid that you'd act like this. Trust me… I'm the queen of overreacting."

"I'm scared, Rachel… I'm so scared…" Kurt shook his head again as he fought the tears that were pooling in his eyes, the real truth of their conversation coming to light. "I'm losing him. There are times when we're together when his eyes go completely blank, where the Blaine I know just disappears. Three days ago, he asked me if I loved him. I mean _obviously_ I love him. Why does he need reassurance about that?"

Rachel rested her hand on Kurt's shoulder. "Blaine is afraid to open up to people romantically. No doubt he's scared. You're amazing, Kurt. Is it wrong for him to wonder why you love him? I mean Blaine isn't exactly the easiest person to deal with."

"You make it sound like I'm the catch here. He was there for me when no one else was. He was my guardian angel. He brought me back to life when I was thinking about giving up. The fact is that I should be wondering why _he_ loves _me_," Kurt could feel the first tear rolling down his cheek. "It's not just about the cigarettes. He's been distant lately. Ever since he got back from New York with his dad, he's been on edge."

"Well doesn't he hate his dad? Don't you think that's why he's sulky after coming back?" Kurt knew Rachel was just telling him what he wanted to hear. "Maybe he's the reason why Blaine smokes…"

"That's not the point," Kurt knew how crazy he sounded right now. "The point is something happened in New York. He's been hiding something from me…"

Rachel knew what he was getting at. "Do you think he's cheating on you?"

"Well he did lie about smoking," Kurt looked down at the cigarettes. "I don't even know how he got these. He's seventeen, last time I checked you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes and his morals are too strong to get a fake ID. Or at least, I thought they were."

"He's still Blaine, Kurt. Whether he smokes, or drinks, or does anything else that you don't condone, he's still Blaine." Again, Rachel was taking Blaine's side. "He's still the guy you fell in love with. So are you seriously going to get worked up over a pack of cigarettes? Is it really worth throwing everything away?"

"It's not the damn cigarettes, Rachel. How can I trust him if he's lying to me about something as small as cigarettes?" Kurt wiped the tears from his eyes. "I guess I got comfortable with the Blaine that I've been dating for six months that I'm scared that if I figure out anything else about him I'm going to screw everything up."

"I can't see you screwing anything up, Kurt," Rachel stood up to walk across the stage. "Speaking of screwing up, where are you applying to school?"

"You know where…" Kurt answered as he got to his feet. "I think you're the only one that I can tell it to and not feel like an idiot. Hell, even Blaine would judge me."

"Blaine wants you to chase your dreams, not give them up for his sake. It must be nice to have someone support everything you do," Rachel took a deep breath as she turned to look at Kurt. "Sometimes I think you're the only one who understands."

"We've had our differences, but I can't deny that you are one of the most talented people I have ever been acquainted with. And you're not so bad to be around in moderation," Kurt smiled as he walked up to her. "Do you think I can do it?"

"I think we both can if we get into the right mindset…" Rachel's words struck a nerve in Kurt.

"The right mindset?" he shook his head in confusion. "What kind of mindset do you mean?"

"Kurt, to be honest, you've been so focused on Blaine and high school that I think your taking your mind off of the ball. This is where our dreams start," she looked out into the empty seats. "You need to focus more on your future and just let everything else take a backseat. You don't get a lot of opportunities like this."

"Everything has to take a back seat?" Kurt's voice was shaking as he realized what she was saying. "Even Blaine?"

"Especially Blaine. I think maybe he would like it if you backed off a little. You come on a little strong," Rachel looked into Kurt's eyes as she placed her hands on his shoulders. "You have to understand that this is competition. There are thousands who want these spots. We have to stand out from the crowd. We've worked so hard for this moment, Kurt. I would just hate for you to give it all up because you're getting comfortable with the life your living now. I don't want you to lose everything because of Blaine."

"Rachel, I appreciate your concern, but I don't think I'm going to take relationship advice from you. Blaine and I will talk over the _cigarette situation_ like mature adults and we can put all of this behind us," Kurt shook his head. "I can have love and fame…"

"No, you can't. There's always something that's going to mean more to you. What do you want more? To live a comfortable life as a house husband with Blaine in New York, or do you want the stage. You felt those lights up against your face, I know that it was the best sensation that you've ever felt," her hands rubbed up against Kurt's shoulders as he looked away from her. "You told me that we have to make a choice. We have to choose what's more important to us, and that's what's going to be the difference between an acceptance letter and a rejection."

"You think that's what it's going to come down to? You think me trying to have relationship with Blaine is going to take my dreams away?" Kurt shook his head. "I don't believe that…"

"Kurt… you have to try to outdo me to make sure that you get this. You can't fall behind for anything. Right now you're heavy, you're fat with how comfortable you've been getting. Blaine is taking up all of your energy…" she made her way to the stairs as she looked back at him. "You need to lose some of that weight and start focusing on yourself. Blaine's a big boy, he can handle himself."

Kurt took a deep breath as she walked away, sitting back down on the stage as he looked into the empty seats. This is what he wanted. It was so easy before Blaine, before he had choices. Although Blaine said that he was onboard with Kurt's dream, he knew that was only half true. Blaine, who was one of the most talented people that he knew, wasn't even looking down the show business route. He was applying to bigger schools: the Ivy Leagues. His dreams were being silenced by his father.

His dreams were getting closer every day. He couldn't lose focus. He loved Blaine to death, but Rachel was right about what Blaine had been doing to Kurt. Kurt had gained some weight since he started dating Blaine. He would love to blame it on the fact that their relationship revolved around dinner and lying sedentary on the couch, but he knew it was the fact that he had gotten comfortable around Blaine: too comfortable. There was hardly any drama between them that didn't involve Blaine refusing to put out. His life had become perfect. He had the unconditional love of a gorgeous boy who was loyal, understanding, and supportive and he was somehow sick of it. He had become a supporting cast member in his own life as Blaine took center stage with all of the glitz and glamour that came with being put on a pedestal. It was time to start living and stop just being carried through his life by Blaine.

Kurt sighed as he pulled out his phone and sent a single text to Blaine: "_We need to talk._"

OOOOO

Today Blaine was medicated; well at least he had the morning covered. He made sure three times before he walked out the door to go to school that he had taken his pills. For days he was suffering for not taking those pills. Those damn pills. They were supposed to be helping, but every time he forgot to take one the panic attacks would just be more frequent. He spent most of last night hitting his father's liquor cabinet and smoking cigarettes to try to calm himself down and finally get to sleep. Although today he felt stable and only mildly hung-over, he still could feel the jitters as he then wondered if he took his afternoon pill.

He sat at the table with Nick and Jeff as several people auditioned to be in the show choir. Some were good, some were decent, but this boy who was currently singing was probably the worst singer that Blaine had ever heard. Some show choirs would take him anyway because they had an "open door policy", but the Warblers weren't too shy to turn someone away. He looked over at Nick and Jeff who were staring blankly at the boy who was auditioning. Vocal Adrenaline would have cut them off by now, hell Blaine wanted to shut him up, but Jeff was the head of the council and he had the final say. But Blaine had to say that he had never heard anyone murder an Elton John song the way this boy did.

When it was over, Blaine could only say one word: "Wow…"

The boy smiled. "Wow? Like a good wow or a bad wow?"

Blaine was flabbergasted, still reeling from how horrible the singing was. He was sure that they boy did not hit a single note in the whole song. "Just a wow in general."

Jeff and Nick exchanged looks before Jeff answered the boy's question. "You know this is a show _choir _right? That means that we sing."

"What are you getting at?" This boy was tenacious.

"It means that you don't belong in this club," Blaine answered as he sat up in his chair; his nerves were on fire as he kept trying to remember if he took his afternoon dose. "You were out of tune and your timing was off. I just don't think that this club is a good fit for you. There are dozens of clubs that I think would be more suited for your _talents_."

The boy laughed. "I don't think I'm going to take advice from the guy who threw Regionals last year so he could get a blowjob…"

Blaine had heard that before. He heard Finn joke about it one day when he was over at Kurt's house. It was chasing him everywhere. This boy was bringing up emotional baggage that he would never be able to understand and it was starting to piss Blaine off. Blaine was a calm guy, but when he was set off it was explosive.

"I didn't throw Regionals for a blowjob," Blaine shook his head as he felt his blood begin to boil. "And don't take it out on me because you're tone-deaf and we're rejecting you from a show _choir_. You're trying to distract from the fact that you're God awful by demonizing me…"

"Blaine, calm down," Nick looked over at him before looking over at the boy. "Are you nervous or are you being serious right now?"

"What are you three trying to say?" the boy wasn't letting them be easy on him; it was time for Blaine to tell him the truth.

"We're trying to say that you're not in. Personally, I don't think you have what it takes…" Blaine shook his head as he looked over at Jeff. "What do you have to say about this? Keep in mind that if this prick gets in, I'm out…"

It had become obvious that he was missing pills all over the place. He tried to remember what happened when he snuck into the bathroom to take his pill. He got distracted by Nick and completely forgot to take his medication. His hands were shaking as he realized that he was out of line right now. His own mental problems were controlling his body, he was helpless.

"Blaine, are you alright?" Nick looked over at him, concern etched on his face. "You don't usually act like this."

Jeff looked at Blaine as he moved closer to whisper in his ear. "Are you off your meds?"

Blaine nodded silently. He couldn't look at him; he was ashamed of his own recklessness.

"Do you want to go fix that?" Jeff whispered through clenched teeth. "Because right now, you're acting like a crazy person."

Blaine shuddered as he heard those words. Crazy person. That's what he was known as at his old school. He was the psychopath who would lose his composure about three times a day. Those were the days before he had the pills that made everything go away. The pills were supposed to stop the bouts of anxiety that had controlled his life for years, and for a while they were working. Yet now, although the pills that were supposed to make him better were now in his school bag he still felt on edge.

_Come on Blaine. You used to be so good at taking these. What happened? What happened to you to make you want to fall back into old habits? What's happened to you?_ He closed his eyes as he took a deep breath through his nose, exhaling through his lips, falling back into his chair.

"I think that with practice and dedication maybe you can make it next year, but right now I don't think we have a place for you." Blaine was starting to sound like his regular medicated self, wrestling with his own inner demons to regain control of his own body. "I'm sorry, but you're not what we're looking for."

The boy looked at Nick and the Jeff. "Do you two agree? Do you agree with the man who threw away your chance at Nationals? The Warblers used to be something to be proud of, but after last year I don't think you understand how stupid you look. You follow this guy like he's Jesus. What you don't realize is he's what's tearing you down."

"That's enough!" Jeff pounded down the gavel. "Any more out of you and I'll do to the Principal and tell him that you're abusing Blaine. Do you know what that could mean for you? Expulsion, you're education here will be over," he looked over at Blaine and then at the boy. "I'm sorry, but you're out. Like Blaine said there's no place for you."

The boy stormed out of the room as Blaine looked down at the desk, his hands shaking as he took a deep breath. One pill, that's all he had to miss to make his sanity start to crumble. He felt Jeff's hand rest on his shoulder, gently stroking it as he moved closer.

"You okay?" Jeff's voice was quiet. "Blaine… talk to me…"

Blaine took a deep breath as his vision started to cloud. It was a severe one. Maybe it was the night of drinking and smoking. Maybe it was the fact that he got almost no sleep last night. There were so many factors that were going into his more frequent episodes, but looking back on all of the things that he did wrong wasn't going to help him now. He looked down at his bag; the pill wasn't going to help him now. It was too late for that. He would pass out before it could even take effect.

"I can't breathe…" Blaine choked as he fell back in his chair as his hand clutched his chest. "Oh my God… I-I can't breathe…" he was desperately gasping for air as he started to cough and choke more violently. "I-I…"

He couldn't make out what was happening, he could only remember was Jeff grabbing him before he fell out of his chair, guiding him to the ground as he continued to choke on his own breath. His chest was burning; it was being ripped apart by his own mental disease. His body shuddered as he felt his stomach twist in panic as he rolled onto his side and vomited all over Jeff's lap, frantically struggling for breath as he looked up into Jeff's eyes through cloudy, tear filled eyes.

"Oh my God! Blaine? Are you okay?" Nick's voice was distorted, his hands moving to shake at Blaine's shoulders as Blaine vomited again on Jeff's lap. "Blaine! What's happening? Is he having a heart attack?"

"Blaine!" Jeff's hand moved to slap against Blaine's face. "Blaine! Stay with me! Blaine!"

"Is he breathing?" the words were getting further and further away as Blaine felt his consciousness slipping away, his head feeling like it was filled with boiling water. The sound of Nick panicking was barely audible over Blaine's own wheezing. "Jeff is he still breathing? Is it a seizure? What's happening to him? Is he breathing?"

Time slowed and then it sped up. He knew that although it felt like he was only one the ground for two or three minutes that ten had passed. He knew that this was going to be a severe attack as his throat felt like it was going to close up. And as quickly as the attack had come, he had slipped into unconsciousness. Who knew that bad singing could kill you?

OOOOO

Kurt sat on the couch looking at his phone. He had spent that past two hours sending text messages to Blaine. Not a single one was answered. Blaine wasn't the type to ignore texting even though Dalton had a strict no texting during schools hours rule. He looked down at his phone as he thought of everything that could have gone wrong. The smoking, the strange behavior, it was obvious now: Blaine was cheating on him.

He typed on last message to Blaine as Finn walked into the room: "_You better be dead right now, otherwise you are in HUGE trouble, Mister!_"

Finn sat next to Kurt on the couch, Kurt jumping in shock as he didn't even hear him enter the room. "Still hasn't texted you back?"

"No," Kurt shook his head, his eyes still glued to his phone. "It's not like him to not answer me…"

"Yeah, he knows how clingy you are," Finn laughed as he leaned back on the couch. "You'll probably dump him if he doesn't text you in the next twenty minutes. Hell, I'm surprised you guys have gone this long without you dumping him for being a moron."

"This isn't funny, Finn," Kurt looked down at the phone, waiting for a message. "I'm freaking out…"

"Because he hasn't texted you in two hours?" Finn shook his head. Kurt could tell that he was enjoying his misery a little too much; his sense of humor was awful. "You were stuck in bed for days when he left you for only three days. I hate to say it, Kurt, but don't you think you're overreacting? I mean this is extreme even for you. Blaine's probably busy and can't get to his phone. Maybe he's driving."

"Blaine can text and drive at the same time, Finn," Kurt snapped, not taking his eyes off of his phone.

"That's not destructive behavior or anything," Finn opened the can of Coke, quickly taking a single sip. "Maybe he's dead in a ditch somewhere and there are raccoons eating his remains?"

"Again, not funny Finn," Kurt's eyes never left the phone, hoping that staring at it would make a text magically appear. "Where the hell is he?"

"You know if you keep looking at your phone he's never going to text you…" Finn took another sip of Coke before looking down at the cell phone. "Maybe you should leave the phone alone for a while and go do something productive."

Just like that a text appeared. Kurt smiled as he looked down at his phone. It faded as he realized it was from Jeff. He opened it to see a message that almost made his heart stop: "_Blaine's in the hospital._"

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><p>YAY I posted the third chapter of a story for the first time in years!<p>

This chapter is really when the ball starts rolling to the main plotline. The next chapter will involve Blaine confessing more of his shady past to Kurt and Kurt starting to take his dreams a little too seriously.

Feel free to leave feedback.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, some sexuality, references to drug use, and severe psychological issues. Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't adhere to the season three canon (the biggest difference is that Blaine is a senior in this story unlike being a junior in the show) as this was thought up before the season premiered and I'm starting to lose faith in the actual canon as the show continues.

**Summary: **Even the strongest people reach their breaking point, but once they do can they ever get back what they've lost?

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><p>Kurt ran down the hallway to see Nick with a coffee cup. He looked shaken, like he had just seen someone die. The severity of the situation hit Kurt hard. Blaine was in worse shape than he thought. All he got was a text, he didn't text back he just ran to his car and drove two hours to see what had happened to Blaine. The whole drive he felt horrible. Earlier today he was thinking about starting a useless fight about cigarettes and now he was faced with the possibility that Blaine might be gone.<p>

"Is he dead?" Kurt didn't know why that was his first question. He should have gone with the stereotypical 'how is he?'

Nick looked up at him and shook his head. "No…" he took a deep breath. "But it was so scary."

Kurt froze in place when he heard those words. "What happened to him?"

"He had a panic attack. One minute he's fine, the next he's on the floor gasping for air and vomiting all over Jeff's pants. Eventually he lost consciousness and we brought him here," Nick walked toward the room holding the coffee cup, his hands shaking up against it. "I've never seen anyone have a panic attack in all of my life, and now that I have I never want to see one ever again."

Kurt walked down the hallway. Blaine had a panic attack. He wasn't stupid. He knew no one had ever died of a panic attack, it was just an imbalance of emotional and physical reactions, but it didn't stop him from worrying about Blaine's condition. He had known Blaine Anderson for almost a year now and he never heard anything about panic attacks. Blaine seemed so secure. The thought of him having a panic attack was something that Kurt just couldn't swallow.

He walked through the door after Nick expecting to see something horrible. Kurt had never seen someone after a panic attack, but it had to be brutal. Blaine was most likely weak, tired, and to be confined to bed for hours. When he walked through the door, he saw the complete opposite.

"Is that my black coffee?" Blaine was sitting upright in bed still wearing his uniform. The only injury that he had on his body was a split lip that he most likely got from biting at it. "I was wondering where you went," he grasped the coffee and then looked over at his boyfriend; his eyes were filled with shame. "Kurt? What are you doing here?"

"I sent him a text," Jeff answered as he moved to rub at Blaine's shoulders. "I thought you were going to stop breathing."

"Okay for the eightieth time, I had a panic attack not a heart attack," Blaine took a sip of coffee and made a disgusted face. "Oh damn, black coffee is awful… can't you put some cinnamon in it or something?"

"No, that's gross and I'm not sure that cinnamon is good for your airways," Jeff answered as he continued to rub Blaine's shoulders, loosening him up. "It may irritate them."

Kurt walked toward Blaine, sitting on the bed to look him in the eyes. "Are you okay? When I heard you were in the hospital I was expecting blood and guts."

"There was blood and guts," he pointed to his lip. "Blood." He pointed at Jeff's vomit stained pants. "Guts."

"This is no time for humor, Blaine," Kurt placed his hand on Blaine's thigh, stroking it gently as he took a deep breath. "You had a panic attack. How can you be so calm?"

Blaine moved the coffee to his lips again, chugging it loudly. Kurt knew that he was hiding something as he watched Blaine down a whole cup of hot coffee, gagging at the taste after he drained the cup of all liquid. His eyes weren't looking at Kurt, his hands shaking as he handed Jeff the cup.

"Can you guys give me a moment alone with Kurt?" Blaine's voice was low as his eyes looked up at Jeff, his hands shaking as he took a deep breath.

"Yeah, sure," Jeff walked toward the door. "We'll see you later, Blaine. Come on, Nick. We probably have more people who want to try out."

Nick moved to embrace Blaine. "Feel better, Anderson."

"It was just a panic attack," Blaine smiled as Nick walked toward the door.

As the two Warblers walked out, Kurt watched as Blaine moved to lie down on the hospital bed, closing his eyes tightly. Kurt could see his chest rising and falling with every breath. Blaine was falling away from him. This was Blaine that he had never seen before. Blaine was never this vulnerable, he was never this human. Kurt moved closer to Blaine, taking his hands in his as their eyes met for a single moment before the Warbler closed his again.

"I'm so calm because this isn't my first panic attack," Kurt's heart sank when he heard those words. "Not by a long shot…"

Kurt tightened his grip on his lover's hand as he watched Blaine open his eyes. "How many? How many panic attacks have you had in your life?"

Blaine shook his head. "I've lost count. Too many."

Kurt crawled onto the bed to lay in it with Blaine, moving to rest up against his chest as he still held his hand, placing a small kiss on the knuckles. He got lost in the sound of Blaine's heart. It still sounded like it was in still panic mode, a little faster than what it usually was. Usually it was soothing, right now it sounded like Blaine had just run the marathon and was ready to pass out. He lost track of reality as Blaine wrapped his other arm around him, pulling him closer, pressing his lips to the top of his head.

"Why couldn't you tell me that?" Kurt asked as he propped himself up on Blaine's chest to look into Blaine's eyes.

"I wanted you to think I was perfect…" Blaine answered, tears were sparkling in his eyes. "I didn't want you to think that I was weak or damaged."

"You will always be perfect to me, Blaine," he moved closer to his boyfriend's lips, Blaine's eyes closing as he looked away. "I love you. I don't want you to ask me why and I don't want you to wonder when my love for you will end. I will always love you, no matter what's wrong with you."

"What if I told you I was medicated?" Blaine's voice shook as he tried to hold back the emotions that he had been avoiding showing Kurt for almost a year. "What if I told you that there's something really wrong with me? That I'm not the man you think I am. I want to be, but there are times when he's not here anymore, when it's like he just goes away."

"What do you mean he goes away?" Kurt placed his hand on Blaine's chest, rubbing it up against his sternum. "Blaine, what's wrong with you?"

Blaine shook his head. "I take anti-anxiety pills to deal with this. It's been consuming my life. I don't want you to live in the dark anymore, because my problems are back and I don't think they're going away…"

"Are you depressed?" Kurt asked, he was desperately trying to learn about his boyfriend. "Is that why you smoke? I found cigarettes in your bag, Blaine. I know you still smoke."

Blaine looked away in shame and sighed. "I hadn't had a cigarette in almost two years. Two damn years I was completely fine. For those two years I thought maybe I could be normal, maybe there was a chance to get rid of the past, to bury the pain," his voice shook as he tried to hold back the tears that Kurt could see coming, the first sob passing his trembling lips as he closed his eyes as the first tear fell. "I just want it to all go away."

Kurt froze in place; he had never seen Blaine really cry. He had seen him tear up lots of time, but never did he see him full out sob. It was a horrible sight. It was heart wrenching. Blaine's eyes watered violently as his jaw quivered with emotion, a sharp sound for every breath that he took. It made Kurt's heart break. He moved to wipe away a tear from Blaine's eye as they made eye contact, hazel eyes sparkling like rhinestones as he looked deep into them. Blaine opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but he lost the words as he took a deep breath.

The two of them moved closer as Kurt kissed gently at Blaine's lips. "I'm here for you, okay. I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere."

Blaine smiled as he moved to kiss at Kurt's lips. Their noses brushed together as Kurt chuckled before they kissed at each other's mouth once more. Kurt closed his eyes as he ran his hands up Blaine's chest to his shoulders lifting him gently off of the bed, wrapping his arms around him. Blaine let out a small moan as Kurt's tongue passed his lips, snaking his arms down to Kurt's waist, pulling him closer to his body. Their bodies liquefied into each other as they fell back onto the bed. Kurt's body temperature rose as Blaine moved to kiss at his neck, a shaky breath passing through his lips.

Kurt forgot where they were, only focusing on Blaine as he felt his tears on his own skin, his fingers moving to weave through Blaine's hair. He was caught up in the moment as he pushed Blaine up against his lips again, his grip tightening in his hair. It was then when he heard a knock on the door. Blaine gently pushed Kurt off of his body.

"Am I interrupting something, Blaine?" the man asked as he walked deeper into the room.

Blaine shook his head. "Not at all."

Kurt looked down at Blaine; his tune had completely changed as he wiped his tears away. Just like that it seemed like his strong, confident, sexy boyfriend was back and the new vulnerable, guarded, beautiful Blaine had disappeared.

The man then turned his attention to Kurt. "You must be Kurt. Blaine had told me so much about you."

Blaine then clarified who the man was noticing Kurt's confusion. "Kurt, this is my Uncle Harvey. He's kind of my baby sitter when my parents are busy working."

Kurt looked up at Blaine's uncle. "Yes, I'm Kurt."

Harvey smiled at Kurt and then looked at Blaine. "He _is_ cute. Where was he during my college experimental days?"

Kurt blushed as he heard those words.

Blaine sat up in the bed as his uncle came closer to him. "Dad too busy to come get me again?"

"You know your dad. Work is the most important thing in the world to him. Always has been, always will be." Kurt saw the look of disappointment on Blaine's face as his uncle said those words. "Your mom wanted to come, but she was in a business meeting."

"Story of my life…" Blaine whispered under his breath.

Kurt moved to wrap his arm around Blaine's shoulders, gently caressing his arms. "People are busy sometimes, Blaine. Just be lucky that it was just a panic attack."

Harvey then asked a question that made Kurt's blood run cold. "Was it a regular panic attack or did you try to stop it?"

Blaine went pale as he gulped audibly, Kurt shivering as he felt his boyfriend's muscles tighten under his touch. "A-a regular one…"

Harvey moved to grasp Blaine's wrist, pulling up his sleeve as if looking for something. Kurt's body shook as he watched Blaine's eyes close as he bit at his lip. His pulse was racing so hard that Kurt could make out the rhythm through the veins on his neck. Whatever was occurring, Blaine wasn't having it. Kurt wanted to speak out, but after Uncle Harvey had inspected both of Blaine's arms, he backed away. But one question rolled through Kurt's mind as he watched his boyfriend start to calm down, exhaling sharply as he leaned on Kurt's shoulder: what did he mean did Blaine try to stop it?

Kurt pulled Blaine closer and placed a kiss on his forehead yet again. "It's okay…" he wished he knew what he was consoling him about. He wished he knew what was making Blaine so tense. There was so much he wished he knew about Blaine, but right now as he trembled slightly in his arms, he didn't think it was the appropriate time to ask.

"Do we have to talk about this in front of Kurt?" Blaine's eyes were blank as he looked up at his uncle.

"He doesn't know?" There was surprise in Harvey's voice before it dipped down into a whisper. "You haven't told him?"

Those words were enough for Kurt to make this awkward. "Told me what?"

"Nothing!" Blaine looked up at his uncle venomously. "It's just Harvey being stupid, isn't it, Harvey? So how about we stop the jibber jabber and we drop it?"

Kurt could tell that it was a touchy subject. Blaine never got like this. Even about the smoking, Blaine never got like this. Whatever this was, it was worse than smoking. It was worse than anything that Blaine had ever talked about with Kurt. It was horrifying. Kurt looked into his boyfriend's eyes as they made eye contact, Blaine was begging him to drop it and never bring this up again. He was unraveling at the seams; suddenly Kurt started to realize that Blaine wasn't as perfect as he thought.

Eventually, after a long silence, Uncle Harvey got a phone call and walked out of the room, Blaine letting out a frustrated groan as he fell back onto the bed.

"What's going on, Blaine?" Kurt asked as he looked down at his boyfriend. "What was that all about?"

"Can we not talk about this?" Blaine's voice was shaking, he was begging for Kurt to stop bringing up the subject. "I really don't want to talk about it…"

"It seemed serious…" Kurt ran his hand along Blaine's knee. "You can tell me. I won't judge you."

"It's not of import, because I don't do it anymore!" Blaine was yelling. Blaine never yelled. Even when people pissed him off, he never yelled at them. It was a horrifying sound, his voice almost shrill as the anger boiled inside of him.

"Kind of like the cigarettes? You told me you wouldn't do that again, yet I found an open pack in your bag. How do I know that whatever you're hiding from me won't ever happen again? Don't you think I have a right to know all of your secrets?" Kurt knew he shouldn't have brought that up, because the look that Blaine gave him was strong enough to cut through carbon steel.

"Aren't you so _fucking_ precious?" Kurt shuddered as Blaine swore. Blaine never swore at him, the only times that Kurt had ever heard Blaine curse was when they were in the heat of a moment of passion. "You think you're so much better than me don't you? Oh so _fucking_ perfect Kurt Hummel who's done nothing wrong in his life! Sure, I lied about smoking, but this is different. I don't want you to know this about me."

Kurt was visibly shaken at his boyfriend's outburst. "Blaine, if it's serious I want to know about it. Maybe I can help you…"

"_Serious_? It hasn't happened in two years. It's not going to happen again. I promise that it will never happen again! So do me a favor and leave it alone!" Blaine's blood pressure was clearly rising as he started to breathe heavy, his hands shaking. He had never seen Blaine have a panic attack, but he knew that this was the onset of one. He could feel the chemicals running through Blaine's bloodstream, forcing his body into a state of frenzy.

"Blaine, calm down. You're going to have another panic attack or pop a blood vessel," Kurt moved to rub his hand against Blaine's stomach, rubbing his stomach always calmed Blaine down. "Breathe, Blaine. Just keep breathing and calm down. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. If it makes you uncomfortable, we never have to speak of this again, not until you're ready."

Blaine closed his eyes and he shook his head, his breathing starting to tranquilize. "I don't think I ever want to talk about it. I'm sorry, Kurt, for yelling at you. I shouldn't take out my anger on you. Hell, you're the only person in the world who actually treats me like a human and not a priceless porcelain sculpture. I guess I'm just projecting my anger against myself onto you and that's not fair."

"It's okay that you got mad at me. I was overstepping my boundaries. I should have never tried to push it out of you," Kurt smiled as he looked into Blaine's eyes, seeing the anger start to fade away.

Kurt rubbed at Blaine's stomach as he closed his eyes feeling tears in his eyes as he thought back to what Rachel said. Everything was going to have to take a backseat in his life, including Blaine. Yet now as he looked at Blaine, he didn't want to be away from him. He wanted to be there for him when life kept beating him up until he bled. He didn't want to lose moments like these, when he had to fight for his love for Blaine. This was love. Blaine was the love of his life.

That only meant that he had to work harder for his dreams to come true. He had gotten comfortable with Blaine, he couldn't let go of him, but he could let go of the effects that he had on his body. As soon as he went home, he would ponder what he was going to do about his dreams, but for right now, he didn't want to leave Blaine. He never wanted to leave him.

"Is there any way I can get you to calm down?" Kurt asked as he kissed at Blaine's stomach, hearing his boyfriend giggle at the sensation. "You like it when I kiss you there?" he kissed at his stomach again, hearing Blaine giggle again.

"Stop it!" Blaine laughed as his hands tightened in the sheets. "I'll call the nurse…"

Kurt continued his assault. "I can't wait until I get you out of here and I can have to all to myself."

Blaine pulled Kurt up so they could kiss again, this kiss deep, passionate, almost sexual, their bodies moving closer to each other as Kurt fell on top of Blaine. He kissed at Blaine's neck as he realized that everything that he wanted to do couldn't be done, he couldn't tell Blaine that he wanted to see less of him.

"I love you, Kurt…" Blaine's voice was soft as he ran his hand along the back of his boyfriend's neck, tilted his head back so Kurt could get more access to his neck. Kurt took the invitation, kissing against Blaine's Adam's apple, biting gently at the flesh, running his tongue along his pulse point. "Kurt…"

As their lips met again, Blaine's hand pressed forcefully against Kurt's back, Kurt got lost in passion. He no longer wanted to know what Blaine was hiding. Once again, he didn't want to challenge anything, he didn't want to destroy the perfect life he had made for himself. It was obvious that this was where he wanted to be: forever. This is what the rest of his life was going to be. He was chained to Blaine.

OOOOO

After a long make-out session in a hospital room, Kurt stumbled back to his car as he thought about everything that he was going through. He remembered one comment that Rachel said that really stuck out in his mind: "right now you're heavy, you're fat with how comfortable you've been getting. You need to lose some of that weight and start focusing on yourself." He moved to rub his hand along his stomach. He was so skinny last year, but over the summer he got a little larger and he knew his relationship was to blame. He stopped taking care of himself the same way he did when he was a junior because he was hell-bent on spending the rest of his life with Blaine, and if Blaine didn't complain about the way that Kurt looked then there was no problem.

He rolled his hands down his stomach and felt tears come to his eyes. How could he let this happen to himself? How could he let himself go when he knew that his dreams depended on him looking good? He walked away from his car and made his way to the bathroom. It was time to take matters into his own hands. As he was finally in the hospital public restroom, he made his way to a stall, closing the door behind him.

He sat on the floor in front of the toilet just thinking about what he was doing. How could he even consider this after the moment that he just shared with Blaine? He could still taste the black coffee that was on Blaine's lips, the passion that was shared between the two of them still tingling through his body. Why should he care about what Rachel said when Blaine never said anything about Kurt's weight problem? The answer then became obvious, because Rachel was aiming for the same dream, she knew what they were looking for and Blaine would never say anything like that about Kurt even if it was a huge problem. Blaine was so clueless that he would let Kurt become three hundred pounds and still call him beautiful. Blaine Anderson with his supersonic metabolism and his semi-active life, a person who could eat anything that he wanted and still manage to look smoking hot.

He closed his eyes as his body began to shake brutally. It was all slipping away. He didn't feel like he was in charge anymore. Again, Blaine had managed to be in the spotlight of the Kurt Hummel show. He felt the tears start to pool as he realized that once again, his love for Blaine was taking over his whole life, that he was no longer in control of his destiny. He moved closer to the toilet as he took his left index finger, putting it past his lips as he moved to clutch the seat. He slid the finger in deeper, until he lost control of himself and vomited into the toilet, his whole body shaking as tears fell from his eyes. As he felt all of the contents of his stomach emptied into the toilet, his oblique muscles burned with every retch, his hands shaking as he tried to catch his breath after he was done.

He wiped his mouth as he moved to rest against the stall door. He sobbed violently as he realized what he had just done. He felt sick to his stomach, the acrid taste of vomit still in his mouth as he continued to cry, hoping that no one would come into the bathroom to see what he had done. He flushed the shame down the toilet and rose to his feet. Slowly, he opened the stall door and looked forward into the mirror. He looked different to himself. He wasn't the boy who seemed so confident in who he was. He was now a boy who would do anything to get what he wanted.

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><p>Kurt's problem has now been introduced and will work as a foil for Blaine's issues (which will be revealed in the next few chapters).<p>

I'm already hard at work on the next chapter!

Feel free to leave feedback.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, gratitious references to sexuality, references to drug use, and severe psychological issues including a severe nervous breakdown that leads to self-injury. Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't adhere to the season three canon.

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

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><p>It had been a week since the time that he threw up in the hospital bathroom, and he still felt the guilt of it. For the past couple of days that he spent with Blaine, he refused to go out to dinner or even to the movies in fear of giving into the concessions. They settled for staying in Kurt's bedroom to make out. He tried to distract Blaine from the fact that he didn't want to eat anything by stimulating his body. In the past week Blaine was too busy getting dry humped, jerked off, and sucked off to even realize that Kurt hadn't eaten anything of actual substance. Kurt knew the only reason why Blaine didn't stop the excess of orgasms was so Kurt wouldn't bring up what happened in the hospital.<p>

He sat in the choir room, his stomach churning out of hunger as Rachel moved to sit next to him. He hoped that she didn't notice that he was zoning in and out of focus as his head started to pound from starvation, his stomach continuing to growl as his body craved to be fed. He swallowed a mouthful of air as to appease his body for a while. He sat as he watched everyone else file into the choir room to sit down, all of them having their conversations about how their days were or what they did last night. He fought with his own body as it was screaming at him, scolding him for torturing it.

"Kurt?" Rachel broke him out of his stupor. "Are you okay?"

Kurt looked over at her and nodded. "Of course, why do you ask?"

"You look like you're going to pass out," Rachel moved to touch his shoulder. "Finn says you've been acting weird lately. He said that you haven't been eating and you've been spending far too much time with Blaine. Is everything okay between you two? I know that you were a little upset about the whole cigarettes thing. Did you guys ever work things out or are you still mad at him?"

"Yeah, just trying to work out our problems," Kurt answered as he felt his stomach growl again, pressing his arms against his abdominal cavity as to muffle the sounds. "Blaine wants to make it up to me by spending as much time as humanly possible. We've been going out to dinner all of the time."

Kurt thanked the heavens when Mr. Schuester came in to stop Rachel from talking. "Alright guys, we have to start thinking about ways to get other people to join. As you know since Sam transferred and Lauren quit we only have eleven members and we need one more member to stay in the competition circuit."

"Let's face it, no one is going to join," Mercedes was the first one to shoot down the conversation. "We're losers. Why would anyone want to destroy their reputation by joining the glee club?"

Tina then came in with an amazing observation. "Unless Kurt can somehow convince Blaine to transfer to McKinley, with him on our side we can do some serious damage to the competition."

"Blaine's not going to transfer," Kurt answered as he tried to get them to stop talking about Blaine. "He's happy where he is and I'm not going to push him."

"Why?" Mike looked back at Kurt. "Over the summer all you would talk about is how you're going to get him to transfer to McKinley. Did you even bring it up to him? I mean we could really use him."

"Well things changed and Blaine's not coming, so can we drop the subject?" Kurt was battling with the possibility that he was going to pass out.

Finn looked over at Kurt; his eyes were wide as he most likely noticed how pale he was. "Kurt? Are you feeling alright?"

Kurt nodded as he wanted to drop the subject. The whole club then started talking about ideas to get people to join, but Kurt couldn't keep into the conversation. His vision was blurring and then fading to black and then coming back to normal. His body was warning him that what he was doing was destructive. He closed his eyes as he hoped that somewhere in the world, Blaine was feeling better than him.

OOOOO

Blaine walked down the halls with his head down. Even though a whole week had passed since he had the panic attack which was the talk of the school, he still was feeling the effects on his body. His heart was still racing. His body still shook. He could still feel his throat constrict as he tried to breathe. Something that used to happen to him all the time now felt like it was happening for the first time again. It hadn't happened in two years. Two whole years of freedom were pulled from him, his body feeling robbed of his sanity of his image in a matter of fifteen minutes. Every finger in the hallway seemed to be pointing at him as he walked down the hallways. It wasn't until he walked into the Warblers' meeting room that he noticed that something wasn't right.

They were all gather around a table looking at something. They were whispering to one another. He walked into the room and saw a few of them stare at him and then look back onto the table. When his eyes made contact with Jeff, he knew something was wrong. Jeff walked over to Blaine and pushed at his shoulders, keeping him away from the table.

"Blaine, can I talk to you for a moment outside?" Jeff whispered to Blaine as he started pushing him back to the door.

"Why?" Blaine wanted to walk forward, but Jeff was stopping him.

"I need to talk to you about song selection…" Jeff was pushing him violently out the door.

"Yeah, we were wondering if you wanted to sing _Cut _by Plumb or if you wanted to sing _Bleed Like Me _by Garbage," one of the Warblers laughed. "Seeing as you would know all about what those songs are trying to convey."

Jeff looked back at them. "Guys, don't…"

"What are you guys talking about?" Blaine knew what those songs were about, his heart stopping as he made the connection. "Let me see what you're looking at!"

Jeff pushed him back as Nick came to help. "You don't want to look. I promise that you don't want to look…"

"Let me see!" Blaine was breathing heavy as he tried to push his way through his two friends. "I want to see!"

His voice was shrill as he kept screaming, pushing at Nick and Jeff as they slammed him against the wall. He kept fighting. He knew what they were looking at. He knew that his secret was out. He pushed harder as he thought about what those songs were about: they are about cutting and self injury.

He finally broke free as he pushed both Nick and Jeff to the ground, running to the table where he saw two words carved into the wood: _Razor Blaine_. He looked at the table as it all came back to him. The torture, the dirty looks, the abuse, it all came back to him with only two words that were carved on a table. Seeing those words ripped the part of him that was stronger than this right out of his body, leaving only his insanity behind. He moved forward and grabbed the table, violently flipping it to the ground with a large thud, a shrill scream passing his lips. The room fell silent.

"Is this funny to you?" Blaine was breathing heavily as his vision clouded, everything turning black and white as his world was robbed of all color, of all innocence. "Do you think that this is a game? Which one of you did this? Who told you about this?"

Jeff scrambled to his feet and held Blaine back, holding him in his arms as he tried to keep him from hurting the other members or himself. Blaine's head was spinning, his whole body shaking as he felt his stomach start to twist painfully as he dry heaved a few times as Jeff tried to pull him out of the room. It was all in slow motion in Blaine's mind as he was pulled out of the room and shoved up against the wall, Jeff looking into his eyes, his hands running along his shoulders.

"Blaine, calm down," Jeff tried, but all he was doing was stirring anger inside of Blaine that was pronounced dead two years ago.

"Fuck you!" Blaine screamed as he shook in Jeff's grip. "Fuck all of you!"

"Calm down!" Jeff was yelling back, his hands moving to pin him to the wall by his chest. "Don't do this, Blaine. Don't let this get to you."

Blaine looked around, desperately trying to find more writing. "How many people know about this?"

Jeff didn't even need to know what Blaine was talking about to come up with an answer. "Everyone…" Blaine's heart sank even deeper. "There were posters all over the school. I tore most of them down. I don't know what _Razor Blaine_ means, but I have an idea. The way you're acting… it has something to do with your old school," his voice was low as he asked a single question: "Do you cut yourself?"

Blaine tried to push his way out of Jeff's grasp as people were ushered into classrooms as to not cause any more of a scene. This was his safe haven. This was the place where he went to get away from everything. This was the place that made him seem like a normal person. Tears violently fell from his eyes as he slid down the wall, Jeff sinking with him. His perspective of the world was cracking. He looked around and realized that this was Hell. He had lost everything that once mattered. He fought his way out of Jeff's grip, crawling up against the floor as he stumbled to his feet, running down the halls, screaming in agony.

He made his way to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him before screaming once more, no doubt making the blood of anyone in the school who heard the screams run cold. He took a series of deep choking breaths as he moved to the sink and then to look up into the mirror in front of him. He didn't know who he was anymore. There was nothing in his eyes, they were black and soulless. He wasn't inside of his own body anymore. It made his stomach churn as he felt his heart race. It was all happening again. It was another panic attack, a big one. This one could kill him. He knew that this one was going to kill him. He had to stop it.

Stop it, that's what Blaine used to do with these all the time. So he did it the only way he knew how. When Uncle Harvey let it slip in front of Kurt, what he didn't want his boyfriend to know was that Blaine Anderson was a cutter. He grabbed the mirror on the wall and threw it to the ground, shattering it into tiny little shards. Swallowing hard, Blaine fell to the floor to grasp on of the shards, rolling up his sleeve to expose his wrist.

_Do it, Blaine! Do it! It's all you're good for. They all know anyway. Everyone knows. Everyone you know is going to find out… even Kurt._ He held the shard tighter as he thought of Kurt.

Kurt loved him. He said he loved him, but he didn't know about this part of him. Kurt loved sane Blaine. He loved confident and secure Blaine. He loved him when he periodically shoved pills down his throat and pretended to be normal for once in his psychotic life. Would he love this crazy whack job that had just lost it in the middle of the school? How could he love him after he fell in love with confident and secure Blaine? How could anyone love him? He moved the glass shard to the back of his left hand pressing it into his skin, digging deep, cutting away at it. He closed his eyes, not wanting to look at what he was doing. There was something deep inside of him that was saying that he didn't want to do this, that he was better than this. Once again that part of him had lost the way

It burned at first as he let out a trembling whine, his hands shaking, but later he felt the panic start to drip to the ground with the scarlet blood that stained the pure white floors. All of the pain, all of the demons that were sucking the life out of him, it was all leaving his body. He all of a sudden felt like he could be okay again. This was better than his medicine. This was the greatest feeling in the world.

He closed his eyes as he leaned up against the wall, dropping the bloody glass to the ground, a deep moan passing his lips as he felt euphoria replace the panic. He took deep breaths as he opened his eyes to a world that was only black; this wasn't the world he wanted to be in. He would give anything to live in a world that was filled with the sensation that he got after he cut himself for all of eternity.

The door swung open, breaking Blaine out of his delirium. Jeff and Nick ran through to see the last thing that they would have ever expected: Blaine was curled up on the floor, bleeding from the back of his hand.

"Oh my God!" that was all Nick could say as he moved closer to Blaine. "Oh my God, Blaine, you're bleeding."

Jeff moved to grasp Blaine's hand. "Blaine… damn it Blaine…" he looked into Blaine's eyes. "What have you done to yourself now?"

Nick reached into his pocket to grab a handkerchief and pressed it to Blaine's hand, Blaine's eyes watched as the white cloth was stained red, his body starting to convulse as the panic started to seep out, leaving only sharp pain behind. "Blaine, we need to get you to a doctor."

"No!" Blaine interjected as he closed his eyes, swallowing the shame as it caught in his throat. "I-I don't want to go to the hospital. Please, don't make me go…"

He knew that if his parents ever found out about this he would go to a mental institution. After two years of progress, the only reason that they could fathom that would make him go back to this was if he truly was mentally unstable. He dreaded the idea of going to a madhouse, he dreaded the shame that it would thrust upon his parents. He couldn't go there. He couldn't let the son that they had molded to be perfect to be nothing more than a waste of human life.

Jeff nodded. "Okay. We won't take you to the hospital…"

"Jeff!" Nick shook his head, pressing against the wound that was on Blaine's hand. "He's losing blood and he just had another panic attack. We need to…"

"He said _no_, Nick! Are you going to force him to the hospital, because I don't think he's going to go quietly," Jeff looked down at Blaine's hand. "It's not that deep. It looks deep because it's bleeding a lot, but the bleeding will stop. He didn't hit any major blood vessels. A bandage ought to stop the bleeding and we should disinfect it so he doesn't lose it," he squeezed tightly at Blaine's trembling hand and looked into the lead Warbler's hazel eyes. "I know you don't want to be here right now. I know you think everyone is whispering about you. I'm going to get you out of here, okay? Where do you want us to take you? Where do you want to go, Blaine?"

Blaine opened his mouth, struggling with the words until they finally came out. "Take me to Lima…"

OOOOO

Kurt walked down the hallways as he looked at all of the people around him. He could feel his stomach cursing at him as it wanted to be fed. He swallowed another gulp of air as to satisfy the hunger. His stomach was full of air in hopes that it would replace the food that his body craved. His friends hadn't noticed that at lunch he had barely eaten anything. What he did eat, he immediately purged from his body. He couldn't eat until he lost at least two pounds. All he could think about was what was at the end of this, the prize. He was going to get his dream even if he had to eat only air for the rest of the school year.

For a moment he thought it was Rachel just trying to get him out of the way so that it would be so much easier for her to get exactly what she wanted, but Rachel had matured over the summer. Their friendship had blossomed and she seemed almost supportive of all of Kurt's decisions. However according to Rachel, Kurt had one problem, an obsession and it was approximately five foot eight and named Blaine Anderson. She knew that the only thing that was holding him back from his dreams was his devotion to Blaine. Blaine was eating up all of his time and his energy. Controlling his weight gave him a sense of independence from a relationship that seemed almost too good to be true.

He froze when he got a text, it was from Blaine. It said something that Kurt had feared for a long time: "_We need to talk_."

Oh God, Blaine knew about Kurt's secret. Blaine was smarter than a lot of people gave him credit for. Sure, Blaine was book smart, but he was pretty much clueless when it came to everything else. This however didn't escape Blaine's attention. Kurt didn't know how, he tried to make it obvious to Blaine that everything was normal in the eating department. It was only a matter of time before Blaine caught on. "_About what?_"

The next words made Kurt bail on school, just walking out of the doors to his car and speeding off to his house: "_I had an accident._"

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><p>Now that the real story is starting to begin, I can finally change the summary without spoiling what Blaine's issue is. This chapter tells you the main problem that is going to plague Blaine. It will be the driving force for the story and all of the stupid stuff he will be doing during the duration.<p>

The next chapter will delve deeper into Blaine's past as he finally confesses what's wrong to Kurt. The next chapter also includes a scene of sexuality (no one is going to lose thier virginity in the next chapter, just some sexuality.)

The next chapter is practically done and will be up later this week.

Feel free to leave feedback.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, a sex scene (interfemoral to be be exact), references to drug use, and talk of psychological issues and self-injury. Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't adhere to the season three canon.

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

* * *

><p>When Kurt made it to his house, he threw himself out of the car, not even closing the door as he ran up to Jeff's car seeing Blaine run toward him. When they met in the driveway, Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's, embracing him tightly, practically lifting him off of the ground. He felt Blaine's body shake. He felt as he struggled to breathe. He moved to look into hazel eyes, seeing them swollen with tears. Whatever the accident was, it had torn Blaine to shreds. He didn't even look like the Blaine that Kurt was madly in love with; he was empty, soulless, and colorless.<p>

"Blaine? Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Kurt moved to kiss at Blaine's forehead repeatedly. "What happened? What the hell happened to you?"

Blaine shook his head as he exposed his bandaged hand. "Kurt… I…"

Kurt looked down at the hand and then up at Blaine. "Did you…?" he watched as Blaine began to sob, hearing his breathing hitch. "Oh my God…" he held onto Blaine's hand. "Blaine…"

They were silent as Blaine fell back into Kurt's arms, holding him closely as more tears fell. It was obvious now. It all made sense; he knew what Blaine's uncle was talking about. When he was looking at his wrists, he was looking for traces of cuts along Blaine's skin. The secret that Blaine was trying to hide from Kurt was the fact that he injured himself. He ran his hand down Blaine's back as he held him closer still feeling the Warbler's body rocking viciously with sobs, his face buried in his lover's shoulder.

"I love you, Blaine…" Kurt closed his eyes as he ran his nose through Blaine's hair. He could smell the sweat embedded in his thick curls, the gel starting to wear off, washed away with the sweat of panic. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here."

Blaine backed away to make eye contact. He looked horrible. His eyes were swollen with tears, his nose red from the assault that sorrow had dealt him, his breath shaky from a series of sobs. Kurt moved forward to kiss at shaking lips, hearing a hitch in Blaine's breathing before he started to kiss back.

"Let's get you inside. The last thing I want is for the neighbors to tell my dad about this," Kurt looked back at Jeff and Nick. "Thank you guys, I can take it from here. I'll take him back to Westerville after I calm him down."

Jeff and Nick moved back to the car as Blaine fell into Kurt's arms, burying his face in his shoulder. "I'm so sorry…"

"Why are you apologizing to me? You didn't cut _me_?" Kurt moved to kiss at the top of Blaine's head. "Come on, we should get inside so you can lie down. You've had a rough day at school."

Kurt wanted to know who brought his boyfriend to do this to himself. If he ever was alone with the person who did this, he didn't even want to think about what he would do. Blaine had never hurt anyone in his whole life. He was the sweetest person that Kurt had ever met in his life, seeing him this broken, this vulnerable tore his heart to pieces. He wrapped his arm around Blaine's shoulder as he walked into the house with Blaine, closing the door behind them. Burt and Carole were still at work and Finn was still at school and would be until football practice was over.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Kurt moved to the refrigerator and Blaine sat at the kitchen table.

"Can I have a beer?" Blaine asked as he looked up at his boyfriend with empty eyes.

"I don't think you should be drinking in your condition. Isn't alcohol bad for someone who's going to have a panic attack?" Kurt turned to see Blaine with a cigarette in his mouth, playing with his lighter as he tried to ignite it. He had only turned his back for a moment and already all of Blaine's nasty habits were all erupting at once. "Please don't smoke in my house Blaine. My father would kill me if he smelled that shit."

Blaine pulled the cigarette out of his mouth and putting it back in the pack, throwing the pack back in his bag. His fingers shook as he started to peel at the bandage that was hastily wrapped around his hand. Kurt's heart sank as he saw the tears forming in Blaine's eyes. He knew the confession was coming.

"I'm not sure if it's borderline personality or bipolar disorder. They're convincing me that it's just panic disorder that derived from depression caused by a perfection complex, but I fear that it's worse than that," his voice was shaking. "What happened just now at Dalton, that wasn't me, Kurt. It was like something was using my body, driving me to act completely insane."

Kurt grabbed a can of beer from the fridge and walked closer to his boyfriend. He was finally talking about it, something that meant that he was starting to feel comfortable around Kurt, letting him dig deeper. "How did you feel when you had your breakdown?"

Blaine swallowed hard and sighed, his eyes looking over at Kurt. "Like everything in the world was taken away from me. Like a million little pieces were just ripped from me and I was left there to bleed," he looked down at the table as he continued to play with the bandage. "When I saw the mirror… I knew that it could all go away."

Kurt sat across from him, watching as Blaine's eyes followed him as he sat down. "Blaine, when your uncle asked if you tried to stop it, did he mean cut yourself?"

"It's not just cutting. When I get this way I bite, scratch, squeeze, burn, and hit myself. The pain makes it all go away. I've been in therapy for it for almost five years now. There was even one summer when I went away on a retreat to try to cure me of it," Blaine looked at the beer can, licking his lips. "Can I drink that?"

"As long as you don't tell my dad I'll let you drink it. I'm supposed to be the responsible one. I am older than you…" Kurt smiled as he slid the can over to Blaine.

"Chronologically yes, but I'm more mature than you," he grabbed the beer can.

"You can keep talking to me," Kurt he looked down at the can.

He took a deep breath before getting back to what Kurt really wanted to hear. "You see, when they send you to a spiritual retreat to cleanse your soul of all of the wrongs, it really sucks. They make it look like fun on television, but in reality it's just emotionally and physically grueling. You think about all of the horrible things you've done to yourself and to the people you love and instead of helping you, it almost makes you want to give up all together."

Kurt took a deep breath. "Wow… you really have been hiding a lot from me. Why couldn't you just be straight with me?"

"Would you have been attracted to me if you knew that I was a psycho?" Blaine opened the can of beer, bringing it to his lips to take a quick sip, going back to pouring out the drama that he had been hiding for two years. "I had a meltdown at my old school. It made what happened at Dalton today look like mere PMS," he took another sip, this time a longer one as he swallowed it so quickly that he almost choked, coughing lightly. "And someone found out that I was cutting myself and they gave me a cruel nickname, and someone at Dalton dug into my past, found the name and wrote it all over the school…"

"Bloody Blaine?" Kurt asked with a nervous smile.

"Razor Blaine," Blaine's voice was low. "Those two words always tear me apart. I look back on the memories of my old school and how I was tormented because I was gay, because I had a mental disease, because I was different than the status quo. It tore me up inside for two whole years, until one day I took it upon myself to make it all go away…"

Kurt's heart was racing as he reached across the table to grasp Blaine's hand. "What did you do?"

Blaine chugged the rest of the can of beer, looking at Kurt as he finally made out the words. "I stole a knife from the kitchen and I sliced down my arms. I cut so deep that I almost bled to death. I was lucky that my mother had come home from work when she did, otherwise I might not be here right now."

Kurt stopped breathing as he heard those words, only one thought coming to his mind. "You tried to kill yourself?"

"Subconsciously, I guess. I don't want to die. Trust me when I say I don't want to die. I was a scared fifteen-year-old boy. I just wanted the pain to go away. I just wanted to feel like I was untouchable. Hurting myself does that. When I cut myself I feel like nothing in the world can harm me. I'm free," Blaine laughed as he felt the tears welling up in his eyes. "And today for those two minutes that absolute bliss rolled through my body, I would trade all of the years of sorrow to feel like that for the rest of my life."

Kurt's fingers grasped tightly against Blaine's hand as he moved down to kiss gently at him. "I want you to know that you are loved, Blaine. You don't have to hurt yourself. I love you, Blaine. I love you more than those three words can ever describe."

"I know…" Blaine answered as he looked down at his hand. "It's just… you love me because I was perfect. You don't love me because I'm damaged goods. This is not what you signed up for and if you want to break up I totally understand…"

"Break up?" Kurt shook his head. "No… I would never break up with you because of this. Not long ago I told you that I was never saying goodbye to you. I meant it when I said that. I will never say goodbye to you, Blaine. When all of this is over, I'm still going to be here, loving you."

Blaine shook his head. "What do I have to do to get you to leave me?"

"Sleep with someone else," Kurt answered as he moved to kiss at Blaine's hand again. "I can accept the fact that you like to carve yourself like a pumpkin, or the fact that you have deep psychological issues. I can also accept the fact that you, like Salvador Dali, have an irrational fear of being penetrated."

"In my defense you did tear my anal muscles, but keep going," Blaine's voice was starting to calm down.

"As I was saying, I can accept all of that but if you for a second think about sleeping with someone else behind my back, I swear I will make your life a living Hell," Kurt moved to kiss at his lover's bandaged hand again. "And speaking of sleeping with people, I think we should go upstairs for a form of stress relief that is a little more orthodox than a broken mirror."

"I'm flattered, Kurt, but after the last time I don't really think I want to have sex with you right now. I'm kind of emotionally vulnerable and un-medicated right now," Blaine laughed before taking a quick sip of beer.

Kurt scoffed. "It's not for sex. I think we should wait until we're both ready to take the leap together. I don't want us to force it because we think we have to," his hand tightened on Blaine's running his thumb along his bandaged palm. "One day I do intend on making love to you."

"Even though I'm a whack job?" Blaine asked his voice shaking as he looked deep into Kurt's eyes.

"I suppose it would be _incredibly_ insensitive to say that you admitting all of this to me is incredibly sexy…" he moved to grab at Blaine's tie. "I'm seeing a whole new side of you and it's making me want to touch you."

"You make me so horny when you get like this," Blaine was being as blunt as usual. "Keep talking like that and neither of us are going to be virgins for very much longer," he moved to climb onto the kitchen table. "I must ask: what the hell was in those pamphlets?"

"Don't you know? My dad got me a cock-tease pamphlet," Kurt moved to climb on the table, wrapping his arm around Blaine's waist.

Blaine moved to kiss at Kurt's forehead. "Whatever this is, I like it…"

Kurt moved to take Blaine's lips as he lay back on the table, bringing Blaine down with him. They kissed deeper as they lay of the table, Kurt guiding Blaine to situate himself between his legs, pressing his hand to the back of his head, pushing him into another aggressive kiss. He wanted to wash away all of Blaine's sorrow and make him realize that he was exactly the same person in Kurt's eyes.

"I really appreciate your honesty and openness about the topic. You're so brave, Blaine…" Kurt rubbed his nose up against his boyfriend's. "If the roles were reversed I would have never told you…"

"That's not true. I think you would tell me if you were hiding something," Blaine smiled, running his nose down Kurt's. "In the half a year we've been dating, I've never had a problem with you being honest with me."

Kurt moved to kiss at Blaine's forehead before returning to his nose as he started to feel guilty. He wanted to tell him that he had stopped eating. He wanted to tell him everything. Now wasn't the time, it would cause unwanted stress and Blaine was a panic time bomb waiting to set off. Blaine's bandaged hand caressed his face as Kurt knew that he could never make him do that again. Telling the truth would just cause another meltdown.

Kurt kissed at the bandages. "I have nothing to hide from you…"

Blaine closed his eyes, kissing at Kurt's lips as he grabbed at one of Kurt's legs. For this moment they didn't care that they were on the kitchen table making out. They didn't care that Burt could come home at any moment to see them on the table in the heat of passion. All they cared about was the feeling of each other's bodies. Kurt closed his eyes as he wrapped Blaine's tie around his hand, pulling him closer to his body as he moved his body into the kiss, his hips rolling up against Blaine's. Blaine's body shuddered against his as he moaned deep in his throat, moving to kiss up against Kurt's neck.

"I think we need to take this to the bedroom," Kurt whispered as he pressed his hand up against Blaine's chest, feeling his heart racing through his clothes. "As much as I would absolutely _love_ to dry hump you on my table, I think that this is more bedroom appropriate and less kitchen appropriate."

"Okay," Blaine whispered as he moved to quickly kiss Kurt's lips, moving to get off of the table, straightening out his blazer as he looked over at his boyfriend. "You know the fact that you're taking me upstairs isn't going to make me feel any better about myself right now. I still had a panic attack, and severely off my pills. I am not responsible for any irrational things I will do when we get to your bedroom."

"Ooh, how un-dapper of you, Blaine Anderson…" Kurt moved to spring off of the table, grasping Blaine's hand. "Let's see how un-dapper you are when we get you out of that blazer…"

"Whatever happened to sweet, innocent Kurt Hummel?" Blaine asked playfully as he was dragged toward the stairs.

"He found out what sex was," Kurt whispered as he pulled Blaine toward the stairs. "And then you introduced me to the wondrous world of outercourse and I felt like I've been missing out on so much. So when push comes to shove, I blame you…"

Blaine smiled as they made it to the doorway of Kurt's room. "Again, I must say I'm not responsible for any improper acts that I engage in when I enter your bedroom. You are to blame for everything that will be happening in there. I was content sitting at the table drinking beer and having a smoke."

"Enough with the disclaimers," Kurt pulled Blaine by his tie and kissed him firmly on the lips, slamming the door behind them. If Burt was home, this would be the telltale sign that something inappropriate was occurring between the two sex crazed teenagers.

He forcefully pulled Blaine to the bed causing both of them to fall, Kurt on top of Blaine. They continued to kiss as Kurt's fingers moved to push the blazer off of Blaine's broad shoulders, throwing it onto the ground as it was freed from his body. He heard Blaine curse under his breath as fingers moved to untie his tie, pulling it from around his neck to drop on the ground.

Kurt loved and hated the Dalton Academy uniform. Although deep down on the inside he believed it gave birth to a schoolboy fetish, when Blaine came over in normal clothes it was only a few buttons and zippers before he was able to get his boyfriend how he liked him the best. The Dalton Academy uniform was a modern day chastity belt. There were buttons on the blazer, a tie, awkwardly sized buttons on the dress shirt, belt buckles, and the most difficult pants to unbutton in the world. It was hell to undress Blaine to the point where when Blaine was naked he didn't even want to do anything anymore. He finally won the war against the buttons and opened Blaine's shirt, exposing his chest, running his hands long the bare flesh in triumph.

"I've always hated this damn uniform," Kurt cursed as he moved to the belt buckle. "It takes forever to get off. I don't miss having to wear this every day."

Blaine smiled as he moved to pull the shirt off of his arms, throwing it to the ground. "I don't think they designed this with teenage sex in mind. After all, Dalton is a very prestigious school with rules and strictures, it's not an all you can eat buffet like McKinley…"

Kurt struggled with the belt buckle. "Damn, no wonder you're still a virgin. How can anyone make love to you when they can't even get your pants off?"

"Why do you want me to get naked anyway?" Blaine asked, his voice bouncing as Kurt shook him to try to get his belt off. "Has my sob story turned you on so much that you just need to get me out of my clothes? Does it give you pleasure to toy with an underage, mentally ill boy?" Kurt kept struggling with the belt, letting out grunts of frustration, but Blaine kept talking. "Kurt Hummel, what are your intentions with me?"

"Well looks like you've reverted back to normal…" Kurt struggled with the belt again, his sweaty hands slipping up against the leather. He looked up at his boyfriend, smiling as he crawled up his body, running his tongue against Blaine's lips. "Back to your cheeky, perky self again who doesn't know when to shut his face."

"It turns you on," Blaine whispered as he moved his hands to unfasten his belt buckle, undoing his pants, Kurt rolling his eyes in jealousy. "Now that my pants are undone and I'm practically naked on your bed and you're fully clothed, what are you intending on doing?" Blaine took a deep breath as he looked toward the wall, Kurt's lips taking the opening to kiss at his neck. "I'll say it again: I'm not having sex with you."

"You're no fun, Blaine," Kurt breathed between kisses on Blaine's neck. "Stop trying to predict what happens and let nature take its course…"

"_Tempting_," Blaine's voice was deep and throaty. "But I'm still going to have to pass on the sex."

Kurt placed his hand on Blaine's naked chest; he could feel his heart racing, his whole ribcage vibrating with every beat. He traced his hands along the skin, feeling the moistness of sweat, the smell almost dominating the cologne that Blaine usually wore. He couldn't see any signs of the damage that Blaine was talking about. He moved to caress his arms. Blaine said that he had cut into his arms until he almost bled to death, but there were no scars. Kurt looked all over Blaine's torso, the only sign of self abuse he could see what on his hand where he had cut only hours before. He wanted to know where he was hiding his scars, but Kurt knew there weren't any. He had seen every part of Blaine's body, there was nowhere for him to hide.

He moved to kiss at his lover's neck again, moving on top of him, straddling him. He didn't want to think about the shame that Blaine had just dumped on him. He wanted to take advantage of the empty house and the fact that he was alone with Blaine. Kurt moved his hand down Blaine's stomach to reach into his trousers, running his fingers along semi-hard flesh.

Blaine jerked at the feeling. "Shit…"

Kurt could feel Blaine grow harder in his hand. "Tell me what you want, Blaine. I'll do anything you want…"

Not only was Kurt playing the role of supportive boyfriend because the love of his life just had a nervous breakdown, but he needed to distract him from all of the signs of hunger. There were days where the only sustenance he had actually swallowed and kept down was Blaine's bodily fluids. He was like a baby. When he got to hungry, he would call Blaine up getting his daily dose of semen. He looked down at the pleasure etched on Blaine's face and he knew the last thing on his mind was what Kurt had been eating.

"Tell me what you want me to do to you," Kurt squeezed his hand around Blaine's erection.

"Kurt…" Blaine took a deep breath, his body shaking. "Take off your clothes…"

Kurt complied, removing his hand from the stranglehold, unbuttoning his vest, slowly taking it off. "How much do you want off?" he shrugged the vest off of his shoulders before moving to pull his shirt over his head, throwing it to the side with all of Blaine's clothes, he could see that Blaine was clearly getting hot from this, the veins in his neck pulsating dramatically as his pupils were wide, his breathing erratic. "All of it?" he kicked off his shoes, both of the boots falling with a thud. "Or is this enough for you?"

Blaine flipped Kurt onto his back gaining a small squeal from the movement, situating himself between Kurt's still clothed legs. Their lips clashed in a ferocious and hungry kiss. Kurt let out a moan as he felt Blaine's hands move to undo his pants, pulling them down with his boxers as Kurt straightened out his legs. Kurt was completely naked in front of his lover as Blaine tossed them to the side, his neck being assaulted with the Warbler's sweet kisses. Kurt lost track of reality as he felt his lips connect with his Blaine's again, his legs wrapping around his boyfriend's waist.

"Blaine…" Kurt moaned as he reached to Blaine's pants, pulling them down. "You can have sex with me if you want to…"

Blaine looked down at Kurt before kissing him one last time. "Please don't tempt me…" Kurt knew that when Blaine got like this if he brought up the subject of sex; he would start to consider doing it. "Don't tempt me…"

Kurt moved forward grinding his erection up against Blaine's, watching Blaine's face contort in pleasure. "You can do anything you want to me, Blaine… _anything_…" he rolled his hips again as they both moaned in unison. "Blaine…"

"I love it when you say my name…" Blaine repeated the movement, both of them moaning again. "You're so fucking hot…"

They repeated the movement for what seemed like an eternity, their arousals rubbing up against each other, Kurt's hand pressed on Blaine's back as they kissed at each other deeply. If his father came home at this moment, they would be screwed. Not only did he not ask permission for Blaine to come over, but he was also un-chaperoned. Burt never let the two of them out of his sight for too long because he was afraid that Blaine was pressuring Kurt to do acts that he wasn't ready for. Yet they still were able to sneak off and be "inappropriate" with each other. Whether it was in Blaine's car, or in the basement, Kurt and Blaine would always find a way to be physically and emotionally intimate with each other. With every movement against Blaine's erection, he knew that he would never feel as good as he did in these moments they had together. This wasn't just a random hook-up; this was an intimate encounter between two people who loved each other.

"Blaine," Kurt breathed, his hand moving to weave into his boyfriend's sweaty curls. "I love you…"

"I love you too…" Blaine breathed kissing at Kurt's lips. "I love you…"

Kurt knew that meant Blaine was getting lost in the moment. When they got to deep in their "sexual frenzy", Blaine alternated between saying Kurt's name and saying that he loved him. He tightened his hand in Blaine's curls as he kissed at his mouth, the taste of beer still on his tongue.

"Blaine…" Kurt breathed, his legs tightening around his boyfriend's waist. "Blaine… I want to reward you for your honesty…" he smiled as he kissed at his lover's lips. "You didn't have to tell me…"

"You were catching on anyway. And if we're going to be together forever like you've planned you have to know that I have depression," he kissed back at Kurt's lips. "I should have told you sooner."

Kurt closed his eyes, kissing him again, hearing Blaine moan. "Blaine, it's not that I don't love our bi-weekly sessions of frottage… but is there anything that you've ever wanted to do to me that you were always too afraid to ask me to do?" Blaine opened his mouth. Kurt knew what he was going to say. "I'm not talking about having sex with me. I just want to reward you for being honest with me…"

Blaine smiled as he kissed at Kurt's forehead. "Do you have any lube?"

Kurt's eyes were wide. "Yeah, it's in my underwear drawer."

Blaine pulled his shoes off of his feet so he could get his pants off, looking back at Kurt. "You look nervous…"

Kurt shook his head. "No…"

Blaine moved to the underwear drawer. "Don't worry so much, Kurt, I'm not going to have sex with you…"

"I know, you've said it five thousand times, Blaine," Kurt watched as Blaine pulled out the bottle of lube from the bottom of the drawer before coming back onto the bed. He swallowed hard as he wondered what in God's name Blaine could do with lube that they had never tried before other than sex.

They kissed again, falling deeper into the sea of blankets and pillows. Kurt closed his eyes as Blaine backed away from his lips to kiss gently at his thighs. Every kiss sent a new wave of pleasure down Kurt's spine, his feet curling in the sheets as he looked in between his legs to see Blaine kissing at the flesh, running his tongue along the length of his leg.

"You have the most beautiful legs I have ever seen," Blaine voice was low as he continued to kiss along Kurt's limbs.

He smiled as he moved to stroke Blaine's face. The confession of the nervous breakdown didn't change anything to him. When looked down he didn't see someone who had betrayed him and lied to him, someone who pretended to be someone else. He saw the same boy that he has fallen deeply in love with, the same boy who he had met on the staircase at Dalton Academy. The only difference is that Blaine looked more beautiful now, more multi-dimensional.

"I love you," Kurt breathed again as he stroked the curls again.

Blaine took the bottle of lubricant and opened it, dripping some of the contents onto Kurt's thighs. It was cool against his hot skin, a hiss passing his lips as Blaine's hand moved to spread the liquid along Kurt's flesh. He repeated on the other thigh, Kurt's body shuddering as he looked at Blaine through half-lidded eyes. Looking into those beautiful hazel eyes, Kurt started to relax.

"Why are you slicking up my thighs? That's lubricant not massage oil. And why would you want to massage my thighs?" Kurt asked as he looked up at Blaine.

Blaine laughed at Kurt's reaction. "Come on, you mean the pamphlets didn't tell you about this?"

"About erotic thigh massage with water-based lubricant? I mean, I mostly just skimmed the pamphlets, but I didn't catch anything about this." Kurt shook his head as Blaine's eyes went wide.

"Seriously? What kind of pamphlets did Burt get you?" he dumped some lube in his not bandaged hand and looked down into Kurt's eyes. "Don't worry, it's more sex without penetration, you'll still be a virgin when we're done…"

Kurt looked down at his glossy thighs. "Are you going to screw my thighs?"

"Yes I am. Don't worry it feels really good and it's completely painless…" Blaine's voice was thick with pleasure as he stroked himself with his slick hand.

"For you or for me?" Kurt's voice was shaking as he looked down at his boyfriend's erection.

"For both of us," Blaine removed his hand and moved to lie on his side on the bed, kissing gently at Kurt's cheek. "Roll onto your side…"

Kurt complied, his hand moving to clutch his pillow as he closed his eyes. He had never done this with Blaine before. They had never even discussed it. He never even knew that Blaine wanted to do this. And although Blaine had told him that it wouldn't hurt, his heart was still pounding. This was completely alien to him. He didn't know what he was supposed to do during thigh sex. He couldn't count all of the times when Blaine had to walk him through what to do in sexual situations. Blaine was an expert at creating pleasurable experiences whereas Kurt was still clumsy and innocent in his trials. He couldn't even do something as simple as finger his boyfriend without tearing him open. He grasped the pillow tighter as Blaine's lips collided with his neck.

"Now spread your legs, Kurt," Blaine whispered, his hot breath condensing on Kurt's skin.

Kurt listened to the request, spreading his slicked up thighs. He didn't like not seeing what Blaine was doing. Usually when they did sexual acts, they looked each other in the eyes. This time he had his back turned on his lover. The curiosity left his mind at unease. What was Blaine doing back there? Then, as he felt Blaine's erection come in contact with his thigh, he jolted letting out a small shriek.

"Shhh…" Blaine kissed at Kurt's shoulder. "It's okay, Kurt. I'm not going to penetrate you…" he trailed more kisses up Kurt's neck, running his tongue along his ear. "I'm not going to hurt you… I've done this before. It doesn't hurt. I promise…"

Kurt grasped the pillow. "I'm just nervous… I don't like not having you in front of me."

"Don't be… I'm right here… I'm right behind you…" Blaine kissed at Kurt's cheek as he moved closer to him, his erection running against Kurt's perineum, Kurt moaning at the feeling. "Does that feel good?" Blaine's voice was thick with lust.

Kurt nodded. "Yes…"

Blaine's lips kissed at Kurt's neck. "Close your legs…"

Kurt took a deep breath as he gave Blaine what he wanted. The second that his legs closed, he heard Blaine moan deep in his throat. Fingers clawed at the pillow deeper as Kurt wished that he could see the pleasure in Blaine's eyes. Kurt turned his head to allow Blaine to kiss him on the lips, Kurt's legs tightening as Blaine moved forward, the tip of his erection rubbing against Kurt's scrotum and the shaft tantalizing his perineum. Kurt let out a breathy moan, his hand tightening against the pillow as he kissed at Blaine's lips again.

He closed his eyes as Blaine thrust into his closed thighs, his body shaking as he felt Blaine's breath on the back of his neck. He could hear the pleasure his boyfriend's face as his breathing became ragged, deep moans rising from his throat. Kurt's eyes closed as he felt sharp sensations roll through his perineum, his body feeling like it was on fire. There was warmth pooling in his stomach with every thrust. All of the nerves that he had felt earlier were starting to fade away as he gave into the pleasure, his hand moving from the pillow to reach back and cup Blaine's face.

"Oh God, Blaine…" Kurt threw his head back in ecstasy as Blaine's lips connected to his shoulder. "Harder… thrust harder…"

Kurt let out a series of high pitched moans as Blaine gave into his request. Blaine's body felt so good against his, his breath was hot on his neck, his deep growls with every thrust sending a shiver down Kurt's spine. This was the most intimate they had ever been. This was the closest Kurt had ever felt to Blaine. As the friction between them squeezed out more moans and Kurt thought this couldn't get any better, Blaine snaked his hand down to wrap around Kurt's aching erection.

"Blaine…" Kurt swallowed hard as he felt Blaine's hand squeeze at him. "Blaine…" he moved to grasp at his wrist, yearning to touch his boyfriend. He couldn't bear being so intimate yet not knowing that this was Blaine. "Say my name…"

Blaine kissed gently at the back of Kurt's head as he inhaled sharply. "Kurt…"

The Warbler thrust harder into Kurt's thighs, the older boy's legs tightening as he let out a loud moan as breath caught in Blaine's throat. His hand glided against Kurt's erection faster and harder as his moaning became more desperate. Blaine was close. Kurt could tell by the pulsations between his thighs, the ragged breaths, the moans that were increasing in pitch and volume. Then it happened, without warning and with a deep moan, Blaine reached his peak, warmth polling in between Kurt's legs as he felt his boyfriend's whole body rock with the intensity of his orgasm.

After he finished, Blaine moved to roll Kurt onto his back, pressing his lips up against his chest and he continued to stroke at his boyfriend's erection. The combination of Blaine's strong hand up against his arousal and his wet tongue assaulting his hard nipple, it didn't take long for Kurt to reach his peak with a high pitched moan, ejaculating on his lover's stomach. His body shook as he tried to catch his breath, Blaine's lips pressing to his before he collapsed on the Kurt's chest, smearing semen up against him.

Kurt finally caught his breath as he ran his hand along Blaine's back. "Damn, Blaine— I need a cigarette now…"

Blaine smiled as he ran his hand along Kurt's sternum. "Me too…" he exhaled sharply snuggling closer to his boyfriend's body, his body shaking slightly in exhaustion. "But I'll settle for you holding me."

Kurt's hands moved to stroke Blaine's sweat soaked curls. "I want you to remember this moment, Blaine. I want you to remember that I love you no matter what, and I accept you for what you are and what you aren't," he pressed his hand to the back of Blaine's neck. "I love you…"

"I love you too…" Blaine answered quietly before he fell into the deep, dark labyrinth of sleep, his breathing starting to form into snores, drool starting to spill out of his mouth on Kurt's skin. In that moment, Kurt forgot about everything and just let Blaine sleep in his arms.

* * *

><p>This chapter, although a sex scene, does not count as them losing thier virginity because they are working up to having anal sex. This is also the first time I've ever written a scene that involved interfemoral sex so it may be a little meh.<p>

The next chapters will start to include more of the other New Directions as they are going to be playing a bigger role as the story progresses, but it will mostly revolve around Kurt and Blaine.

The next chapter should be up sometime next week.

Feel free to leave feedback.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, references to sex, underage smoking, talk of psychological issues and self-injury, and the sugary sweetness that goes along with Klaine. Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't adhere to the season three canon.

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

* * *

><p>Kurt sat at the table as he looked down at his coffee cup. No matter what he couldn't shake what had happened yesterday. The look in Blaine's eyes, the tears, the blood, it all seemed like it was a bad dream. Even the intimacy that they shared seemed like it was unreal. It wasn't until after he woke up two hours later and saw Blaine naked in his arms that he realized what had happened. He closed his eyes as he remembered the feeling of Blaine's body so close to his. In a single day his life had changed. His perspective on his relationship had changed. He couldn't be the guy who ignored Blaine thinking that everything was okay whenever he avoided eye contact, every time he avoided subjects; he wanted to be there for Blaine. He wanted to be the one who made him feel normal again.<p>

He looked up and saw every current member of the New Directions around the table. So much had changed, yet Kurt could recognize every one of them. Finn and Rachel, who were still dating, seemed stronger than ever. However, Kurt knew this was because they hadn't discussed what they were going to do after high school yet. He knew that Rachel wanted to head to New York, but although Kurt lived with Finn, he still didn't know where he Finn was head. Their relationship, one that used to make Kurt feel nauseated was now toned down.

Quinn was not taking their relationship well. Hell, Kurt was surprised that she had come back to glee at all. The summer had changed her. Both Santana and Brittany had rejoined the Cheerios, Quinn did not. She preferred to spend time on her own, secluded from everyone else. She had completely changed her tune after she realized that no matter how hard she tried she was never going to get anyone to really love her. The closest thing that she ever had to love had moved away and refused to speak to her, still hurt from her infidelity. The colors in her life had turned to black, everything was black.

Mike and Tina seemed strong, and Artie had finally realized that Tina was happy, able to completely let her go. Puck, was surprisingly taking his breakup with Lauren fairly well, continuing on his sexual conquest over McKinley High. Mercedes was still sore from her break-up with Sam, but she knew that she was worth more than that, and one day she would be back to the sassy girl that Kurt knew and loved.

This was his family. This was their last year together as a club. They needed to make the most of it.

"What the hell are we going to do?" Finn asked as he lifted his coffee cup. "I mean we've asked everyone in the school and no one wants to join."

"I guess we just have to face that it's all over," Tina answered as she rested her chin against her hand. "We're going to be one member short for the rest of the year."

Kurt took a sip of coffee preparing himself for where this was going.

"Please, we just aren't thinking hard enough," Santana scoffed. "What does this club need?"

"A male singer who can carry a tune and actually give a shit and doesn't sound like a girl?" Puck answered.

"Exactly," Rachel smiled her eyes lighting up as she got a little too excited at the thought of a new male singer. "We need someone who can add more glitz and glamour to our little group and give us a leg up at competitions."

"You mean like Blaine?" Mike asked.

"Since we lost Sam we could use a little more sex appeal," Tina added.

"You mean like Blaine?" Mike repeated.

"And it wouldn't hurt to get someone who is in Sam's vocal range," Artie joined the conversation.

"You mean like Blaine?" Mike wasn't giving up.

Kurt sighed. "Blaine's not going to join…"

"Have you even asked him?" Santana asked. "And I don't mean verbally. I do mean with your mouth, but not speaking to him…"

Kurt scoffed. "I am not going to give my boyfriend a blowjob so we can join our club."

"Why? We all know you're blowing him anyway," Santana snickered. "If there's a way to get a man to do what you want him to it's give him a blowjob."

"Works every time a chick wants something from me," Puck only proved he point. "So get on your knees and get to sucking, Hummel. We got to win nationals this year."

"If Kurt doesn't want to do it, he doesn't have to," it was strange that Quinn was sticking up for him. "After all, why would we want to force someone into the club that doesn't want to be here? It would ruin the energy."

"Newsflash Fabray," Santana's undivided attention was on Quinn who was sulking at the end of the table. "If we don't get a new member there will be no energy, because there will be no club. If Blanderson would just swallow his pride or Kurt would just swallow his load, we'd have a club and a new energetic singer who can hog more solos and Finn wouldn't have to squawk at the audience anymore."

"Do I squawk?" Finn looked at Rachel for reassurance as she shook her head and patted his shoulder.

"Is that why you don't want Blaine in the club, Kurt?" Quinn was no longer defending Kurt, she was attacking him. "Because he could potentially get the solos that you're definitely not going to get because you sound like a girl? Stop being selfish and do something for the team. Blaine has the potential to make this year magic. Isn't that what you want? A magical senior year?"

"Why do you guys want Blaine to come here anyway? Do you ever think that maybe Blaine's going through a rough patch right now and he doesn't need me coming in and telling him what to do?" Kurt remembered the moment in the kitchen, he remembered how vulnerable Blaine looked at the moment, how all of the confidence that was synonymous with Blaine Anderson has been pulled from his body, leaving only a shell of the boy that he knew. "Blaine doesn't need to be bothered right now."

"He seems fine, Kurt," Finn chimed in. "He was fine last night, and he was fine this morning. I think whatever is bothering him is going to pass. Besides, he practically lives in Lima anyway with how much time he spends with you. Maybe he should just go to school here and join the club."

"His dad lives in Westerville, Finn," Kurt answered as he looked over at his step-brother, he knew Finn didn't want Blaine in the New Directions. After what happened in New York, his position as male lead was already in jeopardy. Blaine was the only person that they knew who had the energy and the vocal power to take it away from him. "Blaine's only seventeen, that's too young to lease anything on your own."

"So?" Artie asked, it was annoying how none of them were giving up. "I once saw a television show where parents rent their kids condos so they don't have to deal with them. Blaine could be happy in a condo."

"Blaine is happy where he is," Kurt answered. He knew he was lying, the last place on Earth that Blaine wanted to be was at Dalton Academy. After what happened yesterday, he would be surprised if he ever stepped foot in there again. "He likes Dalton."

"But it would mean so much if Blaine joined us. We would be forever in his debt," Tina looked straight into Kurt's eyes. "It would mean the world to us."

"Guys, leave Kurt alone," Mercedes looked around the table. "Look at us. We're badgering him so his boyfriend who is perfectly happy at his school to join us. It seems like we'd let anyone into the club."

"It's not like we have choice," Artie sighed. "Sectionals are in December and September is already starting to come to a close. If we don't find someone soon, we're not going to be able to compete. So yeah, I'd say we'd take anyone. We should just count our blessings that no one else quit."

"You mean like Quinn?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah, like Quinn," Artie answered.

Kurt took a deep breath as he looked down at the cup. It was like this every time more than one member was in the room. They were desperate. Time was running out and they needed someone who was going to fill in the last spot. Although it killed him on the inside, he stopped pushing Blaine. He was pushing it so hard over the summer that Blaine almost dumped him. He couldn't count how many times; he got hung up on, didn't get a text back, or got the cold shoulder because of his constant nagging of the subject. Yet he knew that he wanted to try again. He would just have to get Blaine in the right mood, get him so happy that there would be no way that he could turn down Kurt's proposal.

"I'll try one more time, but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work and I don't want any of you calling, texting, tweeting, or showing up unexpected to talk to him," he looked around the table as they all nodded in agreement. "And no leaving him Facebook messages."

"Okay," Artie answered. "We have a deal."

Kurt took a sip of coffee as he realized that he was about to lose his relationship forever. This could go one of two ways: the first being Blaine getting angry and walking out on him or the second being that it would trigger another episode.

OOOOO

"Burt and Carole are out and Finn's with Rachel so how about we do something dirty?" Kurt moved to rub his hand up against Blaine's arm as they sat on the couch together.

Blaine sighed as he rolled his eyes. "What's gotten into you, Kurt? In the beginning of this relationship you would freak out every time I slipped my tongue into your mouth and now all you want to do is fool around. You want something…"

Kurt knew that he was caught, he had to distract him. "Have I told you how beautiful your eyes are? It's like all of the eye colors just got together and had an orgy in your irises. What do you call that color?"

"What do you want, honey?" Blaine asked, he wasn't as dumb as Kurt hoped he would be. "As much as I would adore getting my _hot man kisses_ on with you, I want to know what your angle is."

"Angle?" Kurt laughed nervously. "Don't be silly. I don't need an angle to make out with my smoking hot boyfriend."

Blaine smirked as he laughed quietly. "Kurt, I know you. I know that there are two reasons you ever want to touch me. One you're feeling rebellious, or two you want something from me. So tell me what you want. I know you're not feeling rebellious because if you were, your hands would be down my pants right now. Do want me to take you on another shopping spree with my dad's credit card?"

"No," Kurt answered.

"Oh my God, please don't tell me that you want to watch footage from the Royal Wedding again. I get it, Kate Middleton is fabulous and the wedding brings you to tears, but we've watched it like a million times. I don't want to watch you get more emotional over the wedding of someone who you've never met than you will at your own wedding," Blaine turned to look Kurt in the eyes.

"I'm going to ignore the fact that you just insulted the Royal Wedding," Kurt moved closer to Blaine hoping that he would just give into his hormones and he could persuade him to join the glee club. "If I really wanted something from you I would have a package of Snoballs right now…"

"I love Snoballs," Blaine perked up a little. "Are those going to come out soon?"

"No," Kurt shook his head. "Those are going to give you cellulite."

"Oh," Blaine sank back onto the couch. "Well if you don't want a shopping spree and you're not going to give me Snoballs what do you want to do now?"

Kurt shrugged his shoulders as seductively as he could. "I thought we could make out. Or try that thigh thing again. I _really_ liked that."

Blaine crossed his arms in front of his chest. Kurt knew that he should have brought the Snoballs and was mentally kicking himself for forgetting that food was the only way to get Blaine to do what he wanted him to. Looking into Blaine's eyes, Kurt knew that Blaine now understood what this was about.

"Are you trying to seduce me into joining the New Directions again?" his voice was low and annoyed, almost angry. "Mind you, I'm only partially medicated and extremely moody today. So if I do accidentally kill you I'll plead insanity."

Kurt knew he was caught. Blaine was smarter than he gave him credit for. "Please Blaine. I think you'll be a great addition to the team. And as much as the Warblers adore your silky, delicious, energetic tenor, I know you'll feel right at home with the New Directions."

"Do you want me to storm out?" Blaine asked as he rolled his eyes. "Because that's the direction that you're headed in right now. If you brought the Snoballs I might have been civil."

"How are you going to leave? You don't have a car, honey," Kurt teased as he pressed his finger to Blaine's nose. "Are you really going to walk almost ninety miles to Westerville while wearing my stepbrother's clothes? Do you want to be seen in public like that? Right now you look like a cuter, more multiracial version of Jared from Subway."

"I'll call a cab," Blaine mocked Kurt's motion and tapped his nose. "And then I'll eat the Snoballs you should have bought me."

"No you won't," Kurt shook his head. "You don't want to go home."

Blaine took a deep breath before he smiled. "I get it. It all makes sense," he chuckled, the sound make Kurt's stomach churn, Blaine was belittling him. "You want me to transfer because you're afraid that I'm going to kick your ass at sectionals."

"No," Kurt scoffed. "I want you to transfer so that you can help us win nationals. You have the vocal power and stage presence to really make us stand out over Vocal Adrenaline."

"I can't do that. I know that I haven't had the best relationship with the Warblers, but most of those guys are my friends. On top of that, you know how I feel about public schools," he took a deep breath. "I don't want to go through that again…"

"Blaine, I told you I wanted a magical senior year. I think that it would be really magical if you came to McKinley," Kurt watched as Blaine's eyes met his, a slight annoyance in them, his brow furrowed in confusion. He wanted to know the point of this conversation. "After what happened yesterday, I want to spend more time with you. I'm worried about you at Dalton. What happens if they all start taunting you about your past? How do I know that you're not going to have a worse nervous breakdown, where you hurt yourself even worse? Next time you could land in the hospital."

"That's why I'm in exile," Blaine answered as he pushed further down the couch, away from Kurt. His eyes were still on his, the anxiety was starting to form as more poison filtered into his voice. "If I knew you were going to use that as fuel to get me to transfer I would have never told you. It's like every time I tell someone something they just use it as ammunition. It makes me wonder why I tell people anything!"

Kurt realized what he was doing. Blaine had hidden that information for almost a year. He was scared that Kurt would start treating him differently. Kurt had. Over the past twenty-four hours he started handling Blaine with more care. He started treating him like he was fragile, afraid that he was going to turn violent toward him. Truth be told, Kurt didn't know much about mental illnesses. He knew that pills would make them go away, but he hadn't learned about them in school or been associated with someone who was bipolar or had borderline personality disorder. Even now he was afraid that he was going to set him off. He knew he had to stop listening to the New Directions and stop pushing him.

"Blaine, I'm sorry. I know that this is hard for you," Kurt breathed moving closer to him. "I may not know much about what you're going through, but I can see your pain. I can see that you're hurting. I know that the last thing you should be doing is shutting yourself off from the world. You're a strong, beautiful person, probably the strongest I've ever met, and I think that you need to be close to people who care about you."

"No one really cares," Blaine answered, his eyes on his feet as his voice was quiet. "They say they do, but when it gets to rough, and it always gets rough, they leave me. Everyone turns on me in the end, Kurt. Only two people have stuck around throughout this whole thing. I never know who's going to leave. It's so frustrating."

"I care. So if I'm not one of those two people, add me onto the list," Kurt breathed, placing his hand on Blaine's shoulder, tear filled hazel eyes meeting his. He could hear Blaine breathing, it was sharp and ragged. All of the emotions in his body were overflowing. "I'm not going to push you anymore. You're a big boy; you can make your own decisions. I just want you to know that if you ever feel like you're going to fall again, I'm here for you. I'm not going to leave you. Even if we break up, I'm not leaving you. If you want to get rid of me, you'll have to kill me."

"How did I ever find someone as compassionate as you?" Blaine asked, placing his hand over Kurt's.

"You know what they say: all the good ones are gay," Kurt kissed at his boyfriend's hand, hearing a breathy giggle as a response to the stimulus. "And you deserve to be happy, Blaine. I know you don't think you do, but I know that you deserve me, and I deserve you," he kissed at his hand again. "I'll always worry about you, but is it wrong that I hate the fact that people make you feel this way. They make you feel like you're nothing, like your nothing but a lunatic. When I find the guy who did this to you… I swear I'm going to kill him. He's going to wish he never messed with you."

Blaine laughed, wiping away one of his tears. "Don't, I don't want you to go to prison. I know what they do to guys like you in prison. It's not pretty. But thank you. At this rate, I'll have a whole lynch mob going after this guy."

"I will do anything for you," Kurt smiled, running his finger along Blaine's cheek. "I love you, Blaine. And I'm not going to push you to do anything you don't want to. But please, think about it. No one knows at McKinley, I haven't told anyone. I'm not going to tell anyone. If you want somewhere where no one knows about your baggage, come to school with me."

Blaine shook his head as he sniffled. "This sucks. I thought I was done with this. I really thought that it was going to be easy. One more year and high school would be over. One more fucking year. Why couldn't my body have waited one fucking year to do this to me?"

Kurt watched as his boyfriend was having another breakdown. He hadn't been taking his medication at the right time frames and it was taking longer to start working than it said it would on the prescription bottle. His body was shaking every so often. It was hell watching him like this. Last night, Kurt felt like running away when he heard Blaine cry himself to sleep. Blaine's disorder was breaking Kurt's heart. He had to watch the person that he loved suffer and there was nothing that he could do to make him feel any better. All he could do was hold his hand and hope that the pills would kick in.

"Life doesn't care about what we want, Blaine," Kurt sighed.

"Obviously," Blaine scoffed. "Why would I want to be gay _and _a psychopath?"

"Stop it, you're not a psychopath," Kurt could feel the tears pooling in his eyes, Blaine had verbally abused himself enough for one day. If anyone but Blaine had talked about his boyfriend this way, he would have slapped them. "Please don't put yourself down in front of me. You're perfect just the way you are. When I see you get down on yourself, start tearing yourself apart, it makes me want to die. It hurts to know that you can't see what I see. You're amazing, mental illness and all. I love you, all of you," he wrapped his arms gently around Blaine's body, feeling his body shake. "I'm here for you, Blaine. I'm going to make you smile again. I promise I will make you happy again."

Blaine's breathing started to hitch. "Thank you…"

Kurt nodded. "You're not alone. You're never alone…"

Blaine caressed Kurt's back. "I need a cigarette…"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Fine, but just one cigarette and then you're done, okay. Anymore and I'm going to have to buy you nicotine patches," he backed away from Blaine's shoulder to kiss him gently on the lips. "Before we go, I have to send a text to someone."

Blaine looked into Kurt's eyes and nodded. "Okay…"

Kurt pulled out his phone and sent a single text to everyone in the New Directions: "_If any of you bother Blaine about the subject of joining glee club again, I will quit and then you'll have to find two members XD._"

He dropped his phone onto the couch and took a deep breath. "Okay, we can go now. Let's take a walk."

As they walked out the front door, Kurt watched as Blaine pulled out a cigarette in the blink of an eye, lighting it in an instant. He said that smoking calmed him down, so Kurt let him do it just this once to see if it was true. He looked at Blaine as he took a drag. It made him look so much older, so much more mature. The way that Blaine's perfect lips wrapped around the cigarette before exhaling a cloud of smoke made Kurt see a whole new side of him, a dark side that didn't know how to control his emotions. Waving the smoke away from his face, he realized that this is one habit that he had to help him kick.

"How does this calm you down?" Kurt asked, coughing as he breathed in more smoke.

"I don't know, it just does," Blaine answered, his voice low.

"You know that this kills people right?" Kurt asked as he watched his boyfriend take another drag.

"So does cutting and you don't yell at me for that," Blaine took another drag. "I want to quit, Kurt. I stopped smoking when I transferred to Dalton, but when this started coming back I started smoking again."

Kurt had heard a lot of references to Blaine's life before Dalton, he knew he would regret the next question he asked: "What other stuff did you do before Dalton?"

Blaine smiled. "Partied, got drunk out of my mind, made out with a lot of guys," he took another drag. "I was a mess back then, and I was only fourteen. I had my first cigarette when I was eleven and my first drink when I was nine."

"Where the hell were your parents?" Kurt shook his head.

"Working, sleeping, trying to kill each other— they were always way too busy to ever pay attention to me, so it made it so easy to sneak off every night," Blaine smiled as he shook his head. "They separated after I tried to saw my arms off and they haven't spoken since. My mom is now in Cleveland and Daddy Dearest is in Westerville," he laughed sarcastically. "Oh how I miss the good old days before the medication and the spiritual retreat. After that I was transformed into the person that my brain wants me to be. That's how I am when it functions normally instead of like it's on speed."

"So you're supposed to be the guy I met on the staircase?" Kurt asked. "And the partying, smoking, drinking Blaine… he's the chemical imbalance in your head?"

Blaine nodded. "Sure is. You should meet him, apparently he's a riot."

"So why don't you take your pills?" Kurt asked.

"I don't know, I want to but I'm not sure if they're working the way that they should. Instead of feeling better, they're making me feel nauseated," Blaine shook his head, throwing his cigarette to the ground, slowly stepping on it. "I literally feel like I'm going to puke every time I take them. The people at school probably thought that I had the plague with how many potty breaks I needed during classes."

"Well if you feel sick, maybe you should see a doctor? Maybe you're getting sick because you're taking the wrong meds?" Kurt looked into his boyfriend's eyes. "I read an article once on doctors misdiagnosing patients and how it led to suicide. I just want you to be taking the right pills for the right problem. If you are bipolar, you should be taking bipolar meds, not depression meds."

Blaine sighed as the truth came out. "I know, but… I'm scared, Kurt…"

"What are you so scared of?" he asked as he saw Blaine looking toward the ground as they kept walking forward. He knew that Blaine had a perfection complex. Even before he admitted it, he knew. "If I were you I'd be scared of what's going to happen if you keep taking the wrong pills."

"When I get diagnosed, it means I'm crazy. It means that I now have a label. I'm not going to be Blaine Anderson. I'm going to be Blaine Anderson who has a serious mood disorder," he shook his head. "I don't want people to change their views on me. I don't think I can handle that."

"Blaine, it's not a good idea to keep this undiagnosed. You're going to have to go to the doctor eventually," Kurt sighed as he could feel the fear in his boyfriend's body. "I'll go with you, if you want me to. I know you're scared, so if we go together maybe it won't be so bad. I'll even buy you some frozen yogurt after."

He reached out his hand to weave into Blaine's, hazel eyes looking down at the union before looking up into Kurt's. Blaine tightened the grip, moving closer to Kurt's body as a small smile graced his face. He didn't say anything. Neither of them did. They just walked down the street hand in hand.

* * *

><p>Just because Kurt says that he's done pressuring Blaine into transferring doesn't mean that this isn't going to continue coming up. Also, I finally gave a little insight into some of the other New Directions members because as the story goes on they will have a more important role.<p>

The next chapter will have the return of Blaine's uncle as he gives a little more detail into Blaine's past life and how his relationship with his parents is. Also Kurt will have a run-in with someone that will make his eating disorder flare up into a dangerous situation.

The next chapter will be up soon, probably sometime later this week.

Feel free to leave feedback (even if you don't I know you're reading and that makes me happy)


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, references to sex, underage smoking, and talk of psychological issues (eating disorder and self-injury). Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't adhere to the season three canon.

This chapter also sheds a little light on some of the other pairings that are going to come into play as the story progresses.

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

* * *

><p>It had been two days since his breakdown and Blaine still hadn't left Kurt's house. He didn't want to go back to Dalton Academy, and he most certainly didn't want to go home. He spent most of those two days in Kurt's bed with the lights off. Kurt's family was good about not asking questions. Burt came in every now and then and they would talk about how Blaine was feeling. Carole would come in to make sure that Blaine was still breathing. Finn would pretend that he wasn't even there. He was nice enough to give Blaine some of his old clothes to wear while he lay in bed as the only outfit that Blaine had on him was his Dalton Academy uniform. For the first time in his life, while he lay in Finn's clothes, he felt really small.<p>

Kurt would come in when everyone was either asleep or when no one else was home and he would just hold Blaine in his arms. Those moments in Kurt's arms made him feel complete. When he kissed his lips he knew that there was someone in the world who would love him even though he was mentally damaged. As everything around him became black and white, Kurt was the only color that was left in his world.

He remembered their silent walk together. Kurt was there for him. He was willing to try to work through this as Blaine tried to come to grips with the fact that he wasn't like everyone else. He had to go to the doctor; he had to ask them what was wrong with him. Yet somehow, he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to go to a place where he would walk in normal and walk out broken.

Kurt was at school today. Blaine was in bed, in Kurt's house all by himself. The world was grey again. He hadn't even called his parents to tell them that he wasn't coming home for a while. He hadn't even called Nick or Jeff to tell them that he was starting to feel okay. Communication was the last thing that was on his mind right now. He sat up in the bed to stretch out his muscles and he moved to grab his school bag that was under Kurt's bed. He reached into the bag and pulled out his bottle of pills. It was another day in Hell. It was another dose.

His fingers then grasped his phone as he realized that he needed to talk to someone. Someone had to know what had happened to him. He couldn't tell his parents, they would have him committed. He couldn't tell Uncle Harvey, he would never let him live it down. There was only one person on the contact list who he could text and have no judgment. He scrolled through his contacts and found one name: Wes.

Wes was the only person that Blaine could tell about his problem. He was the only one who could accept it. But it wasn't just out of friendship and loyalty that he told Wes. It was something that he would never tell Kurt. Wes, his heterosexual friend wasn't as heterosexual as one would think. Yes, Wes had a girlfriend, but something occurred between Wes and Blaine before he got said girlfriend.

During Blaine's sophomore year they were romantically involved. No, they never dated. They were never boyfriends. It was strictly for physical means. They never had sex, well not anal sex anyway, but they were extremely physically intimate. Wes was the one who helped Blaine update his status to technical virgin. After it had come to an end, they were strictly friends. He hadn't even kissed Wes in over a year.

He then started to compose a message: "_They all know._"

Blaine put his phone on the bed as he fell back on it. His body felt heavy, his chest starting to feel compressed. He was awoken from his painful revelation when he got a text back. "_Are you okay?_ _Do you want me to come back to Ohio?_"

Wes was away at Harvard University. An Ivy League of that prestige wouldn't take going home randomly for a friend in September lightly. It hadn't gotten to that point yet. It was one cut on the hand. It was nothing compared to what he had done to himself freshman year. He remembered being in a pool of blood before his mother came in to save him. He was on the brink of death. Right now he was just getting closer to a complete nervous breakdown. He looked down at his phone.

"_I'm fine. No need to rush home._"

He closed his eyes as he rested up against Kurt's pillows until he heard his phone ring. He picked it up and heard Wes' voice. "What happened, Blaine?"

Blaine rolled onto his side. "Someone found out. Everyone knows."

"Did you hurt yourself?" Wes sounded concerned. "Did you cut yourself?"

Blaine took a deep breath as he felt tears pool in his eyes. "Yeah… on my hand. It's nothing. You don't have to be concerned."

"I can get on the earliest flight to Ohio, Blaine," Wes still sounded concerned despite Blaine telling him not to be. "I need to know you're okay. I need to know that you're not going to fall apart."

Blaine laughed as he shook his head. "Wes, my life is over. They all know. Do you think they're going to respect someone who had a breakdown? Someone who's crazy?" he felt the first tear fall. "My life is over."

"No, it's not. Remember when we first met on your first day at Dalton. Remember what I said to you?" Wes no doubt could hear the sorrow in Blaine's voice. "I told you that I would help you get through this. I promised that I was going to make you better."

Blaine's voice was caught on a sob. "I know… and for two years I was fine. Now it's all changed. I don't think I could ever go back there."

"Where are you now?" Wes asked.

"I'm at Kurt's house," Blaine answered as he sniffled.

"Is Kurt with you?" Blaine knew that Wes was trying to best he could to distract him.

"No, he's at school…" Blaine answered as he moved to pull the covers over him. "He won't be back for hours…"

"Do you want to talk to me until he comes back?" Wes asked, his voice quiet. "I really don't think that you should be alone right now, Blaine."

Blaine took a deep breath. "Okay," he snuggled deeper into the bed, inhaling the smell of Kurt. "I miss you, Wes. Sometimes I think you're the only person who will ever truly understand what's wrong with me."

"Nothing's wrong with you, Blaine…" Wes answered.

Blaine smiled as he laughed quietly. "You don't have to lie to me."

"I know you have a mental illness, but it's not as bad as you think it is. When I first met you, I could see in your eyes that you didn't want to be that way. You're fighting it, Blaine. You've realized that you're better than this," Wes' voice comforted Blaine. "I know that you're confused right now, but I know that you'll get through this. You always do."

He lay on Kurt's bed for what seemed like an eternity just talking to Wes. He didn't even think of the times where the used to hold each other in their arms, when they used to kiss passionately at each other's lips. He just needed a friend right now. He needed someone who knew about him so he could let it all off of his chest. Throughout the conversation they shared laughs, Blaine broke down once, and in the end he realized that this was going to be a long road that he was going to have to go down. Today was the first step.

OOOOO

Kurt opened his locker, deep in thought. The past few days had been hard for him. The boy that he had fallen in love with, drama-free Blaine had once again hit him with a bombshell. All he could think about was the way that Blaine looked when he cried in front of him. Blaine was spiraling, he was tail spinning and Kurt knew that there was very little he could do.

Pressure was building in his life. He had to worry about college, high school, friends, glee club, and now his boyfriend who was on the edge of a severe nervous breakdown that could land him in the hospital. His stomach rumbled as he thought of all of the pressure. He still couldn't eat. He couldn't bring himself to completely lose control.

"Kurt?" he was broken out of his stupor by Rachel. "I heard from Finn that Blaine is still staying at your house. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, he's just going through a rough patch right now," he had to think of a lie so that Rachel would drop the subject. "He's been arguing with his father a lot lately. I guess he got kicked out for a few days so that they can cool off."

"That's terrible," Rachel only stressed the subject more, Kurt should have just told her the truth. "But on the plus side is if this is a permanent situation and he continues living with you he can transfer to McKinley and we'd have twelve members in glee."

"I really don't think Blaine wants to come here. You guys need to stop pushing. Didn't you get my text that said that I would quit if you guys kept pestering me?" Kurt's eyes were still in his locker, his vision blurring for only a moment before he came back to reality. "All he needs to do is cool off and he'll be back in Westerville before you know it. He and his dad have these arguments all the time. They always make it work out in the end."

"Do you think that you could convince him a little more? I know you won't quit, Kurt, you love it too much," Rachel asked as she leaned up against the lockers. "Surely there's got to be something you can do to make him want to come to McKinley."

"The only thing that McKinley has that Dalton can't provide him with is more convenient places to have sex in while school is in session. All you have to do is say you have to go to the bathroom and you sneak into the choir room for a little intercourse. McKinley is a sexual cesspool that oozing with STDs" Kurt saw the disgust in Rachel's eyes as he said those words. "Blaine's words, not mine…"

Rachel shook her head. "I mean, isn't there anyway you could _convince _him?"

Kurt was almost disgusted with what she was asking. "Are you saying I should let Blaine rob me of my virginity to convince him to transfer to a school that he hates? I know how that story pans out: he gets to have sex and then I get nothing but a 'thank you for the intercourse' after he's done as he tells me he doesn't want to transfer. Why would I want that to be the reason why I give myself to him? I know sex isn't a big deal for half of the glee club, but I want my first time to be special, not because I want Blaine to transfer so we can get some more trophies," Kurt took a deep breath. "Besides, even if I tried Blaine would never go for that plan. He's a gentleman. He doesn't want to sleep with me yet. He freaks out every time I talk about us having sex. We're not ready for that. I haven't even met his parents."

"I thought you had dinner with his father?" Rachel asked.

"That's in a week, Rachel," Kurt closed his locker as he started to walk down the hall. "And don't remind me. Meeting Mr. Anderson is something I could put off for a little longer than a week. Blaine doesn't exactly describe the guy as being accepting of homosexuals."

"Well are you going to ask him why he's been so cruel to his son?" Rachel asked.

"Blaine's been through a lot. I don't think that he wants me to cause a scene in front of his dad who may or may not be violent toward him. Mr. Anderson is probably already pissed that his son's bringing a guy home, I don't need to make it worse," he looked over at her. "That would be the best relationship ever. First I rip his anal muscles and then I get his ribcage crushed by angering his father who he has weekly arguments with."

"You ripped his anal muscles?" Rachel asked as she walked faster after him. "You mean you guys really did try to have sex? I thought that was just a rumor…"

"That is _so_ August, Rachel…" Kurt tried to ignore her. "I was careless and I hurt him. I don't need you to lecture me about it…"

Rachel shook her head. "I didn't even think he would let you put that in him."

"With my fingers, Rachel, not my penis," Rachel giggled as he said that word. "Do you think he would still want to date me if I tore his sphincter with my penis?" he looked over at her. "I don't know why we're having this conversation. Why are you bothering me? I know you don't want to talk about my lack of sex life. Are you just trying to convince me to beg Blaine to transfer? Is this because you still want Blaine even after he turned you down?"

She shook her head. "No, what Blaine and I had, albeit short, was a magical experience. Besides, you two seem happy," she took a deep breath. "I was wondering if you knew anyone who would want to join the club. You don't seem to be as pushy about this, so I thought that you could convince someone to join."

Kurt took a deep breath. "I'll ask around. But I don't think anyone wants to descend to our level."

As Rachel walked away, Kurt pulled out his phone. He had a secret that he would never tell Blaine. This one would make Blaine irrationally angry. This was worse than the bulimia. He pulled out his phone and sent a single text message.

"_Meet me at the burger joint outside of town after school. I have something important to ask you._"

Right after he pressed send. He knew that there would be problems. If Blaine found about this he would crucify him.

OOOOO

Blaine walked outside as he saw the car that was parked in front of Kurt's house. He slowly walked down the driveway to the end where they were parked. With a cigarette in his mouth, lighting it quickly before taking a long drag, he finally met them face to face with his uncle. He had hoped that he had gotten far enough away from his family so that no one would be able to find him.

"How did you find me?" Blaine asked as he looked at his uncle, taking a drag of his cigarette.

Harvey took a deep breath, avoiding the question by changing the subject. "I see you're smoking again, Blaine."

"Enough jibber jabber, Harvey. You came here for a reason," Blaine took another long drag before exhaling a cloud of smoke. "Daddy too lazy to call the cops or does he just not care anymore? It's been forty-eight hours… I think you could have filed a missing person report. Yet I haven't heard anything about a manhunt."

Harvey pulled the cigarette from his lips and threw it to the ground. "Blaine, your father has been worried sick. He's been up every night waiting for you to come home. Your mother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. We called Dalton Academy and they said that you just walked out of school and hadn't come back for the past few days. You have to call before you disappear."

"Sorry, I'll warn you next time I run away from home," he reached in the pocket of Finn's shorts to pull out another cigarette. "So, how did you know where to find me? Since Wes is gone you can't check my usual hideout."

Harvey leaned up against his car as he took a deep breath. "I met up with Kurt's father. He told me you were staying with them. Nice man, only had the nicest things to say about you," he looked at Blaine as he took another drag. "Where did you get those? Your father quit smoking two years ago."

Blaine smiled as he exhaled a puff of smoke. "Being a mature looking seventeen-year-old has its perks. With this bone structure I can easily pass for a twenty-two-year old."

"I see you haven't been taking your meds every day. You need to take all three pills every day," Harvey shook his head. "Blaine, what's going on with you? A week ago you have a panic attack that lands you in the hospital and now you're playing hooky from school? This isn't like you. You get straight A's, you're a good boy. Is everything okay with you? Are they bullying you at school?"

Blaine took a long drag before coughing up the smoke. "Dad should have called the police. At least then I would get in some handcuffs and get a free ride back home free from bullshit. Just like the good old days."

"You're not fourteen anymore. You can't continue to run away from home to party for days behind your father's back. You're seventeen, Blaine, almost eighteen. You're Ivy League bound. You can't just run away to only God knows where," he looked back at the house. "What have you been up to here?"

"I'm spending some quality time with someone who doesn't grill me all day. If I wanted this, Harvey, I would just go home," he took another drag. "For once I want to do something I want to do. I want to spend time in Lima with Kurt. I like being with him. He makes it all go away…"

"Is it back? Are you doing it again?" Blaine's hand shook as his uncle looked at it. "What's that? Did you…?"

"A mirror fell over in the bathroom at Dalton and I got cut," Blaine threw what was left of his cigarette to the ground, quickly stepping on it to extinguish it. He wasn't necessarily lying. "No need to worry. I'm fine. I'm not cuckoo right now."

"Blaine, you have to understand my concern for you. You're a cutter, Blaine, and I know how you get when you start getting off your medication," Harvey placed a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "You know that I only want to help you. I have always had your best interest at heart. I'm the first person in your family who accepted that you're gay. I'm the one who told you about Dalton Academy when you had your breakdown two years ago. And remember, I'm the one who's sat through all of your show choir performances."

Blaine smiled as he placed a hand on his uncle's. "Yeah…"

"I'm so proud of you, Blaine," he moved to place his other hand on Blaine's shoulders. "You've come so far from where you were. I know right now, you're probably starting to feel a lot of pressure, and that's normal. Adolescence is ending, you're becoming an adult. I don't want you to throw away all of that progress because you feel alone in this. You're not alone, Blaine. There are a lot of people who actually care about you and are rooting for you to live the life that makes you happy."

Blaine nodded. "I know. I just talked to Wes about all of this. He heard about me being in the hospital and he said that he wanted to get on the first flight to Ohio to see if I was alright. I told him to just send flowers or expensive gifts."

"Good ol' Wes," Harvey smiled as he looked into Blaine's eyes. "I always thought you could use a friend like him."

Blaine smiled as he realized that no one in his family knew about Wes. They didn't know about the nights when they would be in Wes' bed, caught in the throes of passion as they kissed each other tenderly. They didn't know that Wes was the first person to see Blaine completely naked in a sexual way. He didn't need to broadcast in his family's eyes just how far his "sickness" had gone. It was bad enough that he was a homosexual, telling them just how deeply he had acted on those urges would either garner an ass kicking or being kicked out of the house for the second time in his life.

"So are you here to take me back to Westerville?" Blaine asked as he looked into his uncle's eyes.

"No. I'm going to tell your father that you're safe and you'll be back soon," Harvey looked down at the pack of cigarettes. "Don't smoke too many of those. I don't want you to have your first botox injection until you're at least twenty-four."

"I think I'm done for the day. I'm starting to get a headache," he put the pack back in his pocket. "So if you're not here to drag me back to Westerville kicking and screaming, what are you here to tell me?"

What Harvey said next sent chills down Blaine's spine. "You know how your mother has been in Cleveland for the past two years?" Blaine nodded, waiting for the reason to bring this up. "Well she's moving to Lima."

Blaine reached for another cigarette as he felt his breathing catch in his throat. "Why would she do that? I thought she liked being clear across the state. The distance didn't seem to bother her when she walked out the door."

"She got a job here," Harvey answered, his eyes fixed on the cigarette that was between his nephew's lips. "It requires her to work late, but she's going to have a condo here. So when you run away you can go to your mother's instead of falling clear off of the grid."

"Great, more of a reason for my parents to hate each other. Now not only can they fight about who gets me the nicer Christmas presents, but they can also fight about where I'm going to sleep for the night." Blaine grabbed his lighter, struggling to get it to light. "More fighting, yippee! As if I'm not fucked up enough already…"

"Blaine, I know that past few years haven't been easy for you, but don't screw it up because your upset. Power through it, and then you never have to look back on Ohio ever again. You are worth more than this and I want you to start realizing that this is your life, only you can decide where you want to go and what you want to do," he walked around the car to the passenger seat, reaching to grab something. "Stop smoking and sulking and realize that you have a chance to get out of here…" he then handed Blaine a bag. "Some clothes, just in case you don't want to look like you're in a weight loss advertisement."

As his uncle got into the car and drove down the driveway, Blaine pulled the cigarette out of his lips and threw it to the ground. He turned to walk toward the house opening the door. This was his life; it was about time he reminded people about that. This was the chance that he had to really start considering what was important to him.

OOOOO

Kurt sat at a table in the last place that he wanted to be in. The smell of red meat sizzling made his stomach scream at him, begging to have food. He didn't want to be here alone for much longer, otherwise he knew he would start compulsively eating French fries and cheeseburgers to the point where his stomach would literally explode. He had just settled on sitting here like an idiot waiting for him to show up. Somehow this didn't seem worth the crucifying that he knew Blaine would dish out when he heard about this. If he thought that the sex faucet was shut off after what happened in August, this would cause a full on drought.

Finally he walked through the door. "There you are, Dave. I was wondering if you stood me up."

Dave Karofsky. Kurt had gotten over what had happened between the two of them last year. Blaine had not. Blaine was a boy who had a short list of people that he couldn't stand. He could see the good in everyone, yet he couldn't see the good in Dave Karofsky. If word of this ever got back to Blaine, Kurt would never be able to touch his boyfriend again.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Karofsky asked as he sat down. "Where's Blaine?"

"At my house," Kurt answered as he took a deep breath. "Far away from here."

Karofsky sighed. "Does he still hate me?"

"Does PETA still hate KFC?" Kurt asked as he sat back in his chair. "Blaine will come around. He just has a problem with people hating gay people. Sometimes I wonder if what occurred last year happened to him or me."

Karofsky then took a deep breath. "Why did you really ask me here? We hardly speak in public. I know that you didn't invite me here just so we could talk about the past and how your boyfriend wants my end on a spike."

Kurt took a deep breath. "I have a favor to ask of you…"

"What's that?" he was going to regret asking that question.

"Would you be interested in joining glee club?" Kurt closed his eyes, not wanting to see the reaction.

"Glee club?" Karofsky asked.

"We need a twelfth member really bad. I will be forever in your debt if you joined," Kurt looked into Karofsky's eyes as he tried to appeal to his better nature.

"What about Blaine?" Kurt was getting sick of that question.

"Blaine wouldn't be caught dead at McKinley. It's a congregation of morons who are going to die at the age of twenty-seven of syphilis," Kurt saw the look in Karofsky's eyes. "Blaine's words, not mine."

"You know I can't do that?" Karofsky answered.

"Why because of your reputation? Who are we kidding, David?" Kurt asked as he sat back in his chair crossing his arms. "You wouldn't be here if you cared about your reputation. Last time I checked I was social suicide. You hang out with me and you're automatically gay. So you either came here because you wanted to help me out or you came here because you have a crush on me and you know Blaine would kill you if he knew that you had the hots for me."

Karofsky took a deep breath. "Kurt, I care about you…"

"But you won't join?" Kurt asked as he sighed., disappointment starting to set in. "Back to square one."

"I can't," Karofsky answered. "I'm not ready for something like that."

Kurt nodded. "I understand."

"It was nice seeing you again," he stood up and walked away toward the door, leaving Kurt behind with only his thoughts.

Kurt knew that this was the end of everything. His life was starting to fall apart. Glee needed at least twelve members, if they didn't get another member by November there was no way in Hell they were going to be able to compete at sectionals. No sectionals meant no glee club. No glee club meant his dreams were shattered. As it all hit him, he stood up and walked up to the counter. He lost track of what he did, when he came to, he was sitting back at the table and he had two burgers in front of him.

He took a deep breath as he picked up the first one taking a large bite of it. He barely chewed it before he gulped it down, his heart racing as his body realized that they were getting food again. He swallowed a few more bites as he at the burger aggressively. After he finished the first one, he immediately grabbed the other one and started biting into it, eating at it ferociously. He practically swallowed it whole before he started shoveling fries into his mouth, trying to satisfy his hunger so he could focus on what he had to do to get another member in the glee club.

However, after his stomach was full, he realized what he had done. He had consumed practically fifteen hundred calories in one sitting. He grabbed his bag and his trash, throwing it away before he made a mad dash to the bathroom. As he entered, he found an empty stall in the empty bathroom and locked himself in there.

He sat in the corner of the stall pondering what he should do. This was unlike when he was in the hospital bathroom. He hadn't eaten that much that day. Today in a single sitting he had eaten a large amount of French fries and two cheeseburgers. He had to get rid of them. He moved to the toilet and moved his index finger to his mouth, shoving it as far back as it could go before triggering his gag reflex.

When he vomited, he felt a combination of relief and shame as hastily chewed segments of cheeseburgers and fries passed his lips, slick with stomach acid and saliva. He continued to retch even when all of the food was gone, stomach acid passing his lips as he struggled to stop. When he had nothing left to expel, he fell against the stall wall as he took a deep breath. There were no tears this time. There was only regret as he realized that this had become more of a problem. His whole body shook as he realized that eating was the most dangerous thing that he could do to himself.

OOOOO

As Kurt walked out of the burger joint, he could feel his stomach start to convulse in pain. He had teased his body with the prospect of food. He felt like he was going to vomit again, his head starting to spin. He walked toward his car as he took a deep breath, sweat starting to form on his body as he fought the urge to vomit again. As he finally made it to his car, he was met with the last person he wanted to talk to right now.

"Kurt? Is that you?"

Kurt looked up. "Mercedes?" he took a deep breath, filling his mouth up with air before swallowing it down. "What brings you to the outskirts of Lima?"

"I wanted a burger," she answered as she looked into Kurt's eyes. "Are you okay? You look a little sick?"

Kurt nodded, trying to suppress the angry growls of his stomach. "I'm fine."

"Oh my God was that your stomach?" she looked down at where the sound was coming from. "That sounds painful."

Mercedes wasn't an idiot. If this was Finn or Puck he would have gotten away with it. She knew that something wasn't right with him. His body was winning its struggle for food, it was intending on torturing him until he actually ate something.

"You sound hungry. Want to grab a burger together?" Mercedes pointed to the door as she looked into Kurt's eyes.

"No. Last time I ate here I spent the next ten minutes vomiting uncontrollably in the bathroom," he wasn't lying. "But if you want to go grab something to eat, we can go somewhere else." He knew that with this new cycle he was going through he could eat anything. "We can go anywhere you want to go."

Mercedes nodded before her jealousy came out to shine. "I thought since Blaine was here, you'd want to eat with him."

"No, Blaine's in my house probably eating the contents of the refrigerator as we speak. Blaine's self sufficient, if he gets too hungry he'll just order a pizza," Kurt leaned up against his car, the pain in his stomach starting to roll through his whole body. "So I'm cool going anywhere you want to go. I didn't really eat lunch today."

"I don't blame you. Most of the people who ate lunch in the cafeteria today have the worst case of food poisoning ever. I talked to Tina and she said that she can't stop throwing up," Mercedes laughed. "So how about we go get some Mexican and catch up."

Kurt took a deep breath as he felt his stomach roar. "Mexican sounds lovely."

They both got into his car as they drove off to wherever Mercedes wanted to go. He knew that this was only going to make his problem worse, but he had to keep up his appearance. No one could know what was going on inside.

OOOOO

Blaine felt happy to be in his clothes again. When he was wearing Finn's he felt heavy. They were way too spacious, he felt exposed. To be in tighter fitting clothes made him feel like he was coming back. The long sleeves of his cardigan gave him a sense of security. Even thought he didn't cut his arms, he felt safe with them covered.

He looked in the mirror hopefully to see the sane Blaine that he was trying to keep in control, but when he saw his reflection he saw something different. He saw the Blaine that he was trying to kill. Maybe it was the lack of hair gel. Maybe it was the fact that he could still taste the cigarettes and beer that he had drowned himself in. Whatever it was, he was afraid that the boy that he tried to play himself off as was slowly starting to fall through the cracks.

Kurt told him to go to a doctor. He told him that he needed to get help. That would be the perfect plan if he were in a perfect world. He wasn't. He was seventeen and therefore he was still legally his parent's problem. If he told either of his parents that he was nut again, they would treat him like he was garbage. They would send him to an institution. As much as he wanted to be the Blaine Anderson that Kurt had fallen for, he couldn't. He couldn't tell them about what he was going through.

Suddenly, a knock on the door broke him out of his stupor and he ran out of Kurt's room down the stairs to the door. He knew it was Finn. He most likely forgot his key again. He opened the door and wished that he could just close it again. Somehow he was now nostalgic for his uncle.

"Hey Blaine," it was Rachel. "How are you doing? You look well."

Blaine tried his hardest to appear normal. The last thing that he wanted was to reveal that he was crazy to yet another person. "What brings you here? Finn's still at football practice, but I don't need to tell you that…"

"Can I come in?" she asked with a smile.

He knew where this was going. "What do you want, Rachel?"

"I want to talk to you about something, Blaine," she smiled as she walked forward. "But first, I would really like to come inside."

"I think you can make your point outside. Burt says I'm not supposed to let anyone into the house. I think he still thinks I'm a bad influence on Kurt," Blaine took a deep breath as he got to the point, wanting to get this conversation over as soon as possible. "I don't want to go to McKinley, Rachel. Kurt and I had a whole conversation about it and I don't want to go… I'm happy where I am, so I think that you should be happy for me."

"Really?" Rachel was known to pry into other people's business, but he didn't know that she knew as much as she did. "Is that why you're hanging out here? You've missed two days of school, Blaine. That's not like you. If you were happy like you say you are, wouldn't you want to go to school?"

Blaine fought the urge to strangle her. "I'm sick…"

"Then why are you at Kurt's house?" she asked. "If you were sick I doubt that you would have someone drive you two hours to Kurt's house. I don't see your car here. That means that someone dropped you off."

"What do you want, Rachel?" Blaine shook his head. "Is this about glee? Why do you want me there anyway? Aren't you afraid I'll steal all of your solos?"

Rachel sighed as she walked closer to him. "Blaine, we need twelve members to compete at sectionals."

"I'm aware of the show choir rules," he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Well we only have eleven. Sam transferred and Zizes left so we're in need of at least one more member to compete," she moved to touch his shoulder, his body tensing as she did. "Please Blaine… you're very talented. Not as talented as me, but you're talented. I mean honestly your energy is good, but a little work on your vibrato and you can be a _really_ good singer…"

"Rachel," he shook his head, laughing nervously wishing she would go away. "I'm sorry, but does this conversation have a point, or are you just here for shits and giggles?"

"What I'm trying to say is I think you should come to McKinley. With your relationship with Kurt heating up, I don't think that this distance is good for you," she looked Blaine in the eyes. "I know that you want to be with him, Blaine. You're in this for the long haul. Kurt said that you guys are already talking about moving to New York together."

"I can't transfer, Rachel. My parents aren't going to go for the 'I can't stand to be apart from the person I love' story," he shook his head as he looked away from her. "Maybe your dads would go for it, but my father would skin me alive if I left Dalton. Do you know how expensive that school is? You don't get a refund when you transfer."

Rachel was tenacious. "Then come up with another reason…"

"Why? Dalton has a zero tolerance bullying policy, a great reputation, a show choit that's going to kick your ass, and I only have one year left. I have no reason to go there," Blaine closed his eyes as he tried to hide the fact that he had a list of reason of how he could convince his parents to let him go to McKinley. "Besides, how do I know that this is about Kurt, and not you?"

Rachel shook her head. "I'm with Finn, Blaine…"

"We have unresolved feelings, Rachel," Blaine answered with a grin. "I just brushed you off and it's not like you to get over someone that easily."

"You're my best friend's boyfriend," Rachel shook her head, her voice trailing off. "Even if I did still have feelings for you, I could never act on them. You're with Kurt. You love him. I'm with Finn. I love him. Whatever could have happened between us is so last year, Blaine."

Blaine walked out of the house and closed the door behind him, leaning against it as he continued eye contact with her. "Okay, I'll let you convince me. I let Kurt have a whack at it, so why not let you try to convince me to leave the illustrious halls of Dalton and come to a land of squalor and venereal diseases. Last time I checked, you can get tetanus from eating lunch there."

"Wow, you really do come up with weird insults about McKinley," Blaine moved from the door and started to walk away. "I thought Kurt was making it all up," she watched as he walked toward the driveway. "Blaine, come on. I know you better than you think I do."

"We went on one date, Rachel," Blaine answered, his voice was tense as he started to get annoyed with her. "That doesn't make you special. Do you know how many people I've gone on dates with?"

Rachel started to follow him. "I'm not trying to preach to you. Blaine, I know that you don't have the same aspirations that I do. You don't live for the spotlight and the glamour. I know that you want a place where people will appreciate you. You're the kind of person who wants to be surrounded with people who accept you for who you are and aren't just using you for your talent."

"The Warblers aren't using me," he shook his head as he turned to her, watching her stop suddenly as she looked into his eyes, begging him to come to McKinley. "And they do respect me. They helped me when I was going through a really rough time; they're still helping me go through it. If you respected me like they did, you wouldn't be harassing me to join your club."

"Something's going on between you and the Warblers. I know there is," she wasn't letting up, typical Rachel Berry. "I know that you, Blaine. It's not like you to skip out on school. What's going on with you? You can talk to me."

"What makes you think I can talk to you? Rachel," he took a deep breath as he walked closer to her, this conversation was starting to hit a nerve. He could see that she was worried. Her body was shaking as he touched her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "I will tell you this much— I'm going through a rough patch. I'm slowly coming to grips with something. I really don't need any more pressure on me right now. I need to focus on myself. You don't have to understand it, but I want you to respect that this is how I feel."

As he looked into her eyes, he knew that she didn't understand. How could she? Rachel was like everyone else. She had fallen under the spell of Blaine's stable, sane self. Even if he were to crack in front of her, she would never see past that. He should be happy. He should be proud that there was one person in the whole world who would never see the darkness inside of him. Yet somehow, it broke his heart. If he changed, there would be people who wouldn't believe that there was anything wrong with him. He felt as her hands moved to grasp at his wrists, gently massaging them. Rachel was infatuated with Blaine. He knew that she still had feelings for him. The look in her eyes was proof enough that she still had some unresolved emotions toward him. If Finn had come home at this moment, he would have a lot to explain. Thankfully, fate was on his side today.

"You seem tense," she breathed nervously before her hand moved to touch his bandages. "What happened to your hand?"

He closed his eyes, trying his hardest to come up with a lie. "I cut myself," he choked on those words. "I was cutting a tomato and I got distracted and got a little clumsy and sliced into my hand. It wasn't anything serious. It was just an accident," he closed his eyes as the memory of what happened in the bathroom flashed before his eyes. "An unfortunate accident."

She ran her fingers along the bandage. "How bad does it look?"

"You want to see it?" he asked, a small smile on his face. "It's not as gross as you think it is. Actually it's pretty lame…"

Her hand moved to run her fingers along the bandages, his breath catching in his throat as she did so. If she only knew what the real story was behind it. If she only knew that he had done it to himself deliberately. Would she want to touch it then? Her fingers moved to the bandage, slowly undoing it. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard as it was removed. He hadn't seen the wound since it was still bleeding. Yet as she ran her fingers along the scabbed wound, he knew that it couldn't have been that bad.

"You washed it perfectly," she beamed.

He remembered the scene in the bathroom, how Jeff desperately washed the cut before wrapping it. He remembered the tension between Nick and Jeff as they yelled at each other as Blaine continued to bleed. He opened his eyes and saw the cut. It was long, approximately three inches long down the back of his hand. It wasn't deep, but it was long. Rachel's fingers ran along the wound, his hand shaking as she caressed his knuckles.

"Does it hurt?" her voice was soft like a coo.

"It did when I first did it," he swallowed as she tightened her hand around his. "But it doesn't anymore. It's just sore."

She continued to fondle with his hand before she continued the conversation. "Blaine," she breathed as she stroked his hand. "I want you to think about it. I want you to come to McKinley."

Blaine opened his mouth to speak.

"Don't say anything," she breathed. "Just think about it… I mean _really_ think about it, Blaine. I don't want you to brush it to the side because of who everyone wants you to be. Think about yourself for once. I know, you're a nice guy, you don't think about yourself. Please Blaine; think of yourself just this once."

She moved to place a gentle kiss on his cheek, her hand resting up against his shoulder. He closed his eyes as he felt her lips up against his face. As she back away, she gave him a loving pat on the shoulder, a small laugh passing her lips as she walked to her car. He took a deep breath as he realized that it was never going to end. He was forever going to be thrown back and forth between Dalton and McKinley.

Dalton was his home. It was where he sought shelter after he almost killed himself. He met several people there who cared about him. He met several people who would give anything to make him smile again. All of that could survive the fact that he had a nervous breakdown in the middle of school. Everything was going to be okay.

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><p>This chapter was long, like REALLY long. I hope that didn't stop you from reading it. I know that this chapter took a little shift away from Klaine, but as the story progresse, other characters are going to have larger roles.<p>

The next chapter is going to divulge deeper into Kurt's issue, taking a little break from Blaine's psychological woes.

Feel free to leave feedback


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, references to sex, underage smoking, references to child abuse, a slight nervous breakdown, and of psychological issues (bulimia). Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't adhere to the season three canon. There are also most likely errors (I'm currently sweeping through the story to find them, it's like a game of Where's Waldo, but there's more than one Waldo...)

I lied when I said that Blaine's issue was going to take a backseat. He kind of hogs a lot of the attention here (but that's what's causing Kurt's problem)

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

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><p>Kurt looked in the mirror as he put his pants on. They were starting to feel a little better now. For a while, most of his clothes had become tight and uncomfortable, but the progress he was making was now on display. The last time that he stood on a scale earlier that day, he had documented that he had lost six pounds since the first time that he purged in the bathroom. He couldn't stop now.<p>

"Are you losing weight?" Blaine asked from the bed, lying on his side as he looked through a magazine, Snoball in hand. "I thought those didn't fit anymore…"

"I guess I have been losing weight," Kurt smiled as he knew that Blaine was starting to catch on. "Eating breakfast does really do something to the body."

Blaine took another bite of trans fat before looking up at Kurt, closing the magazine. "Why are you trying on all of your old clothes? I thought you were going to give those away."

"That was back when they didn't fit, Blaine. They fit now," he rolled his eyes and looked at his reflection again. "If you continue to stuff your face with empty calories, you're going to have to give those clothes away."

Blaine laughed as he took another bite. "I will have you know that my weight has stayed consistent for two years."

"Don't talk with your mouth full, Blaine," Kurt looked over his shoulder to see his boyfriend take another huge bite of a Snoball. "It's unladylike."

Kurt didn't know how much longer he was going to be able to hide this from Blaine. He had already noticed a cavity starting to form in his teeth, the enamel being burned away from the stomach acid that he had assaulted his mouth and throat with. His skin was becoming pale and cold. The signs of an eating disorder were coming to light and it was only a matter of time before he had to give it up. But how could he? He needed to have a competitive edge over all of the other people who were applying to Juilliard, over the people who yearned for the stage. He couldn't continue to sit in Ohio and get fatter. He had to do anything for his dream.

Blaine swallowed the food in his mouth before he spoke. "So you haven't talked to me about college. Where are you going?"

Kurt shook his head as he unbuttoned his jeans. "Why so nosy all of a sudden?"

"I'm your boyfriend, Kurt. I'm just curious," Blaine sat up on the bed, sitting Indian style as he looked at Kurt's reflection in the mirror. "I just think that I have a right to know where you're going to school, so I can plan accordingly."

"We're going to New York, Blaine," Kurt wanted to dismiss the subject.

"I know that, doofus," Blaine smiled running his hands along his thighs nervously. "I just wanted to talk about it, that's all…" he closed his eyes as he shook his head, licking gently at his lips. "All we do is talk about me these days. Maybe I want to talk about something more uplifting than me trying to cut my arms up with a kitchen knife."

It was true. All they talked about since the "incident" was Blaine and his feelings. It was a very morose subject. Kurt couldn't blame Blaine for wanting to talk about something that was going to make him cry. Blaine yearned for the days when they didn't have a care in the world, when they could talk for hours about absolutely nothing. Now their conversations were about mental disorders and self destruction. Blaine just wanted his innocence back.

"I'm sorry. I'm a terrible boyfriend."

"Well I don't have much to compare you to," Blaine chuckled as his hands continued to rub up against his denim covered thighs. "Never really had a boyfriend before… but you're not terrible."

Kurt looked back at the mirror as he pulled his pants down, removing them before moving to the pile of old clothes. "If you must know… I intend on going to Juilliard."

"Juilliard?" Blaine raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, Juilliard. Do you have something against it?" he picked up another pair of pants before looking over at his boyfriend who had a blank look on his face. "Okay you look like I just told you that I'm joining the army…"

"Juilliard?" Blaine took a deep breath. "Does Juilliard have a musical theater program?"

"Does it matter what you major in? Juilliard has birthed many a Broadway legend," he pulled a pair of jeans up his legs as Blaine still tried to process Kurt's school choice. "If I want to be a star, I have to do whatever it takes."

Blaine took a deep breath as he stopped rubbing his thighs. "I'm going to level with you…"

"Oh God," Kurt breathed under his breath. "Can you please not make fun of me?"

His boyfriend inhaled sharply before exhaling. "I don't think you should look into acting…"

Kurt's hands slipped on the button on his jeans. He knew that he did not just hear Blaine say what he thought he said. Blaine was supposed to be his supportive boyfriend, not a boyfriend who dashed his biggest dream. Looking at Blaine, he wasn't even fazed by what he said. There he sat, cute as ever, not even realizing that what he said was probably the meanest thing that he had ever said to Kurt. The one person that he thought would always be by his side was the one who was opposing him the most.

"That is the meanest thing you've ever said to me!" Kurt shook his head as he struggled with the pants. "And you've said some pretty mean things…"

"I just think that you're too talented for that," Blaine's eyes fell onto the bed as he knew that he was in trouble. "I think that you need to do something more iconic than that…" he took a deep breath before he swallowed hard. "I think you should write plays, not act in them…"

"Write plays?" Kurt asked turning to Blaine, leaning up against the mirror. "What makes you think that I'll have any more luck with writing than with acting?"

"Pip Pip Hooray was good… _really_ good actually. It was astonishing," Blaine straightened his legs out. "You don't think I remember reading that? You think that I pretended to read it? I read it, countless times actually," he moved off of the bed to walk toward his boyfriend, stumbling as his legs started to wake up. "I loved that, Kurt. It showed me how talented you are. You have a gift, you have something that millions of people would kill to have," Blaine was now right in front of Kurt, his hand on his shoulder. "You move me, Kurt. I think that you have something that makes you really special and you can't throw it away because you want more."

Kurt turned away from Blaine. "Why are you doing this? Why are you telling me that I'm going to fail?"

"When did I say you were going to fail?" Kurt shuttered as he felt Blaine caress the back of his neck, a small moan passing his lips. "You can do anything you want. You can do _more_ than you want, Kurt. I just think that you should do something that's going make you immortal," he kissed at the back of Kurt's head, wrapping his arms around him, his hands plastered to Kurt's chest. "I think you're fabulous, Kurt Hummel…"

"You don't have to lie to me, Blaine," he closed his eyes as he just wanted Blaine to go away. "You can just say that I don't have what it takes…" Kurt shook his head as his insecurity finally came out, wishing that he had thought before he spoke. "Do you think I'm too fat to be an actor?"

"What did you just say?" The look in Blaine's eyes was a mix between shock and anger as his hands fell from Kurt's chest. "Did someone say you were fat? Who? Who the hell was it? I'll kill them! Tell me who they are and they're dead!"

Kurt realized the mistake that he had made. Blaine was usually calm except when they started talking about Karofsky. He didn't even want to think about what Blaine could do to him now that his pills weren't working properly. "No one said I was fat…"

"It was that Karofsky guy wasn't it? I knew it was only a matter of time before he started terrorizing you again," Blaine shook his head as he inhaled sharply; Kurt knew that he was going to blame this all on Karofsky. "I'm going to burn that bastard alive!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy, Blaine, easy," Kurt grabbed at Blaine's hands, pulling him away from the door, back to where they were originally standing. "No need to get the tunica molesta. I don't need you to kill anyone today. Karofsky doesn't harass me anymore. I was just asking a question…"

"Where is this coming from? Where did you get the idea that you were fat?" Blaine's voice was low in his throat, his eyes meeting Kurt's, chills rolling down his spine. "Why are you thinking about this? Are you going crazy about this?"

He knew. Blaine was slowly catching on to the terrible cycles of bulimia and anorexia that plagued Kurt's life. Kurt's hands shook as he realized that this was going to destroy Blaine. Blaine already felt helpless now that his body was turning on him, he didn't need to watch as Kurt crumbled away. He didn't need any of this. Lying was horrible, but in this case he knew that the truth would literally kill the person that he loved more than anything in the world.

"No," Kurt swallowed the truth as he avoided Blaine's glance. "I was just curious. I gained some weight since we started dating…"

Blaine grabbed Kurt's hands, moving closer to him to rest his head on his shoulder. "You're not fat…" he planted a small kiss on Kurt's neck. "I think that you are the most beautiful person in the world. If other people can't see that they're crazy. You look beautiful. You always look beautiful…"

Kurt could feel the tears in his eyes. "You're just saying that because you want to get into my pants…"

"If I wanted in your pants, Kurt, I'd be in your pants," Blaine laughed, caressing Kurt's hands, weaving his fingers through his. "I didn't even notice that you gained weight, and I've seen you naked. I didn't notice any fat rolls…"

Kurt giggled as he tightened his grip on Blaine's hands. "How is it that you're beautiful, smart, compassionate, and talented?" he lifted one of his hands to kiss at Blaine's knuckles. "There has to be something wrong with you…"

"Well I may or may not be bipolar, I smoke, I drink, I have about eight panic attacks a week, I enjoy cutting and burning myself," he kissed at the back of Kurt's head. "And most importantly, the one thing that I know you wish that I could change but I can't… I'm only five eight…"

"I like how short you are," Kurt turned to look Blaine in the eyes. "You're travel sized, for my convenience. I can just put you in my hand bag…" he kissed gently at his lips. "You taste like marshmallow…"

He was so jealous of Blaine. Blaine could sit in bed and eat three packages of Snoballs and not care about the calories that were in one of those pink coconut death sentences. As Kurt held him in his arms, all he could think about was his boyfriend digesting the food in his stomach. He never thought about stuff like that in the past. He never thought about everything that made its way down Blaine's throat. He wished that he could be like Blaine, continuously shovel food that was going to lead him to an early grave down his throat and not care about the repercussions. He wished that he could be Blaine in general.

Blaine kissed at Kurt's lips as he whispered against them, his hot breath condensing on Kurt's flesh, his body shuddering against his lover's. "But honestly Kurt, I want you to think about what I said. Playwriting is something that I think you would excel at," Kurt took this opportunity to kiss at Blaine's pulse point, feeling his heart race with every movement. "I think that you should write a musical this year."

"What about?" Kurt asked, his hands moving to unbutton Blaine's cardigan.

"Anything," Blaine moaned deep in his throat as Kurt opened his sweater. "You could write it about musical sweaters and it would still be awesome. I just want you to see what I see. I want you to see your talents the way that I see them…"

Blaine's lips collided with Kurt's again in a deep kiss, pulling Kurt to the bed. Kurt didn't resist. The last thing that he wanted to do was continue talking about his problems with Blaine. As they fell onto the bed, Kurt on top of Blaine, Kurt kissed aggressively at Blaine's neck, pinning him to the bed with his hands.

"If I'm going to write a musical that people are really going to relate to, then I'm going to need inspiration," Kurt kissed at Blaine's neck, hearing him purr at the feeling. "Even if I decide to be an actor I really want to experience emotional depth."

"You did say you wanted your senior year to be magical," Blaine breathed, a smile on his face. "This is your year Kurt…"

"What about you, what do you want to do after high school?" Kurt knew that this was a touchy subject. Blaine never talked about his dreams. It was always about Kurt's. "You do want to do something don't you?"

Blaine closed his eyes. "I don't know…"

"Don't know? What did you want to do when you were younger?" Kurt stroked his boyfriend's face before burying his face in the younger boy's neck. "Come on, Blaine. There has to be something that you want to do…"

Blaine let out a low moan. "I haven't given it much thought."

Kurt moved to kiss at Blaine's lips. "That's not like you…"

"I don't know what I'm going to do," Blaine's arms wrapped around Kurt's body. "I mean right now I'm just focused on getting into a good school so I can impress my father. Other than that, I don't know where I'm going…"

Kurt kissed him lightly on the forehead. "You're really talented. You could get into Juilliard if you applied."

"My dad would never go for that…" he was cut off by another kiss. "I mean…" Kurt kissed him again. "… He has a hard enough time accepting that I'm attracted to guys, how do you think that he's going to take that I'm going even further down my homosexual route?"

Kurt assaulted Blaine's body with kisses, listening carefully for the sounds on the stairs. The last thing that he wanted was for his father to catch them in a compromising position. Blaine's moans we quiet as Kurt kissed at his shoulder, his body shuddering. Kurt was jealous that someone as perfect as Blaine, someone who didn't have to work for anything was throwing opportunities away. Kurt wished he had the option to just throw things away. He didn't. If he threw something away he was never going to get it back. He hated how simple Blaine made everything sound. He made it sound like the future was a given. It was easy for him to say that when everybody and everything in the world wanted him. Blaine was universally attractive.

"Who cares what your father thinks?" Kurt kissed at Blaine's lips. "He doesn't want you to date me, but here you are in my bedroom, making out with me in my bed…"

"I can't do it, Kurt. I'm not like you…" he took a deep breath. "In Ohio I'm a big deal, but out there… out in the world… I'm nothing…" he closed his eyes, his arms tightening around Kurt's body. "I could be a happy lawyer or doctor…"

"What do your parents do for a living?" Kurt asked, hoping to learn more about his boyfriend's less depressing background.

"My father is a senior partner at a law firm and my mother is the CEO of a hospital…" Blaine took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. "Big shoes to fill there… I don't think there is a single member of my family that makes less than two hundred thousand dollars a year…"

"Wow that is intense…" Kurt breathed as he kissed at Blaine's forehead. "I can see why you're so depressed all the time…"

"Your sarcasm isn't cute, Kurt," Blaine chuckled. "If it wasn't for my parents' mountain of money, I'd be dead right now…" he looked up into Kurt's eyes. "I owe a lot to them… that's why I can't let them down. I have to be the best that I can be."

"Why don't you fight for what you want, Blaine?" Kurt asked.

"Fighting all your life, I don't get what the point is to that? Why would I want a life where I constantly have to fight to get what I want? I already have that, Kurt," his voice trailed off. "I guess I'm done fighting. I just want to live a happy life like everyone else in the world does. Is it so wrong that for once in my life I still want to be a normal person?"

"But if we don't fight for what we want how are we going to get it?" Kurt shook his head, running his hand down Blaine's arm. "No, Blaine… that's not living. That's letting people win. That's you letting life get the best of you…"

Kurt knew why he was saying all of this. It wasn't because Blaine was giving up hope in his life. It wasn't because Blaine was letting his mental illness get to him. It was because he was trying to justify why he was purging after every meal. He wanted to be right. He wanted to make it seem like he was losing his mind to this. He wanted to prove to himself that he wasn't letting Rachel Berry control his life. He wanted to convince himself to get help before he killed himself.

He was losing himself to this. He was skipping meals. He was lying to the people who mattered the most to him. He was trying to make himself seem normal. Yet he knew that Blaine knew. Blaine had to have known. Kurt's skin was cold to the touch, dry and lifeless. His eyes had grown darker. His hair was becoming thin and brittle. He wasn't the same person. Blaine knew. He was just too afraid to say anything. He was too afraid to say that Kurt was weak when he was weak himself.

"What makes you happy?" Kurt asked, looking into Blaine's eyes.

"My medication used to before my body chemistry changed…" Blaine was deflecting, hoping that Kurt would start talking about therapy and new medications.

"Not the pills, Blaine," Kurt needed to know what Blaine's plans were. "What makes you happier than anything?"

Blaine closed his eyes. "I'm not a happy person…"

"Bullshit!" Kurt scoffed. "Something makes you happy, Blaine. Up until recently it was all gumdrops, sunshine, and rainbows with you."

"Those were the pills…" Blaine answered quickly. "So how about Juilliard… have you auditioned yet? You probably want to get on that…"

"Why are you avoiding this?" Kurt lifted his body off of Blaine's, watching his boyfriend roll onto his side. "Blaine, I want you to be happy. I want our life in New York to be perfect…" he took a deep breath as he stroked Blaine's shoulder. "I know what makes you happy…"

"Singing is a hobby, it's not a career," Blaine answered as he moved to sit up on the bed. "Plus there's no guarantee that I'm going to get anywhere with that…" he straightened out his shirt. "No… I don't have what it takes. I can't be crazy and poor…"

"You're not crazy…" Kurt soothed, moving to caress Blaine's back.

They were fighting a lot. Last year everything was happy. Everything was perfect. Never really fought, they never really disagreed. They were innocent. It was all over. The innocence was gone. He knew that he couldn't blame Blaine. It would be easy to blame it on the fact that Blaine had tried to hide the fact that he wasn't perfect. He wished that he could blame it all on Blaine and then just come to grips with the fact that this relationship was going to be hard. That wasn't the case. It was joint effort. They were slowly falling away from each other. This dinner with Mr. Anderson might be the one thing that pulled them apart in the end.

Dinner with Mr. Anderson, Kurt had dreaded that since August. He wasn't sure what that man was capable of. Life was already getting too complicated as is. In the course of a month he had learned that he didn't have what it takes to get into Juilliard from Rachel, that the New Directions may not be able to perform, and that his perfect boyfriend was suffering from a mental illness that lead him to injure himself. Adding a potentially abusive, homophobic father to the mix wasn't going to make Kurt coping with his disorder any easier. It was going to make everything fall apart.

"Blaine, I've been thinking" Kurt watched as Blaine's eyes met his, confusion pooling in hazel irises. "I know that we're supposed to have dinner with your father later this week, but I don't think that's such a good idea right now…"

"Why?" Blaine asked, his eyes narrowing.

Kurt knew that this was going to start another fight. They were both edgier than usual today. "Because your dad is kind of an asshole…"

Blaine straightened out his cardigan nervously, buttoning it up. The signs of an anxiety attack were starting to rear their ugly head. His breathing sped up slightly, but enough for Kurt to notice that there was a difference. "You've never met my dad, Kurt…"

"I know, but any man that would ignore the fact that his son has a severe psychological disorder and try to cut him down is not someone that I want to meet. He's been cruel to you, Blaine…" Kurt caressed Blaine's back. He could feel his heart racing through his ribcage, his body feeling warmer to the touch than usual as his body trembled. "And with your virulent nervous breakdown a few days ago I think it would be wise if we put it off for a while…"

"Well let me just get out my dad's schedule book and find another day that we can do this. You know, because my dad has _so much_ free time to actually get involved in my life," Kurt hated it when Blaine started getting mean, it broke his heart as he saw the traits of Blaine's mental disorder start to eat away at him. "I mean it's not like this is the first time in years that he's actually to talk about me being gay," Blaine's breathing was getting ragged as his hands convulsed against his thighs. "Don't worry, Kurt. We'll do it some other time. He's probably used to hearing those words. He says them to me all the time."

Kurt took a deep breath. "I know that he's making progress, Blaine. I know that you want to have a happy relationship with your father and that's not going to happen until he accepts you for who you are. You can go on all the vacations and have all the dinners you want, but he if he doesn't make an effort, this isn't going to go anywhere."

"Well, I'm sorry that not every man can be Burt Hummel, Kurt," Blaine moved further away from Kurt on the bed. "Not every father can accept their son for who he is," his voice was deep, alien to what he was used to hearing in Blaine. "Answer me this, would your father accept you if you were a mentally crippled faggot who wasn't good for anything?"

"Blaine, stop it!" Kurt could feel the tears in his eyes as Blaine said those words. "You're not crippled!" All of a sudden Kurt wished that he had just let Blaine continue talking about how Kurt wasn't fat. "Blaine… calm down… come back to me…"

Blaine got off of the bed and pulled out his duffel bag from underneath the bed. "I'm getting out of here…"

"What?" Kurt watched as Blaine hurriedly piled clothes into the bag, the sound of his breathing audible over the rustling of clothes. "Blaine, where are you going?"

"Home," Blaine answered, opening a drawer and piling more clothes into the suitcase. "I should have gone back days ago…"

"Okay, now you're packing my things," Kurt watched as Blaine continued to dig through the drawer. "How are you getting home? Jeff dropped you off, remember? If you call him he won't be here for another two hours…"

"I'll call a cab," Blaine's eyes were watering as slammed the drawer shut. "I've been here long enough. My dad is going to crucify me if I don't come home. Besides, I'm just pissing you off; it's only a matter of time until you dump me," he started to ramble. "I also need to catch up on schoolwork and schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist, and I need to… I need to…"

Kurt realized that this was one of the episodes that Blaine had talked about. This was one of those moments where Blaine said that everything went black. Kurt's problems, his dreams, his needs all escaped him as he stood up to wrap his arms around his boyfriend, feeling him tremble in his arms as he struggled to catch his breath. In a year they were going to be out of here. In a year Blaine was going to be away from everything that triggered moments like these. Kurt was going to be away from the life that made him purge. Everything was going to change for them.

"I'll drive you home," Kurt breathed, holding Blaine tightly. "I don't know where you live, but I'll drive you there…" he kissed the back of his head. "I'll drive you anywhere… out of Ohio, to anywhere that you'll be free from this. To anywhere where you'll feel better," he could feel his eyes watering as he felt Blaine collapse in his arms as the panic washed away. "Don't cry, Blaine… don't cry…" he rocked him back and forth. "Do you want me to take you home?"

Blaine nodded. "I have to get home…"

"Okay," Kurt kissed the top of his head. "You go downstairs, I'll meet you…"

Blaine grabbed the duffel bag and slowly walked out of the room. Kurt waited to hear the sound of his boots, descend the staircase. He ran into his bathroom as he knew that Blaine was gone and immediately fell in front of the toilet. He was a failure. He was only making Blaine ache. He was slowly taking the life out of him. Slowly he was destroying everything that was important to him. How could he live with himself when he cause Blaine to cry and no matter how hard he tried, there was no way that he could ever stop the crying? How could he live with himself knowing that the love of his life was in pain and he was only thinking of himself?

This purge was different than the other ones. This time he was waiting for the rush of control that he felt after every purge. Quickly, he pushed his finger as far back in his throat as he could, triggering his gag reflex again. Vomiting seemed like nothing now. The first few times, he would cry as he vomited, this time he just wanted to get it over with before Blaine came back to check up on him. He coughed and retched until his stomach was empty.

After he finished, he flushed the toilet, reaching into his pocket to use the breath mint that he was saving for a moment like this. He couldn't get caught when he went down to meet to Blaine. Everyone else he was around might not be able to catch on, but there wasn't a doubt in his mind that Blaine would recognize the smell of vomit, remember their conversation about him being fat, and connect the dots. He slipped it into his mouth as he walked out of the bathroom to make his way downstairs. Blaine was standing at the bottom, a lit cigarette in his mouth. For once Kurt didn't care if he was smoking in the house.

"Are you ready?" Kurt asked, grabbing his car keys.

Blaine nodded as he took a drag. "Yeah…"

They both walked out of the door and made their way to Westerville. Kurt knew it was going to be a long silent ride.

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><p>I don't know what it is about this chapter, but this is probably the one that I am the least proud of (I think it's a little choppy here and there). But it was a subject matter that needed to be covered. This is the first time where we see their issues actually collide.<p>

It's funny, this is the 9th chapter and still we haven't made it to the main plotline...

The next chapter (which will be ready sometime later this week, I'm on a roll...) will most likely take place in Westerville at Blaine's house (Daddy's not going to be there, he probably won't make an appearance until appox. Chapter 13).

Feel free to leave feedback.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, some sexuality (an almost sex scene along with several other steamy moments), flip-flopping on whether or not the two characters want to have sex, and underage drinking. Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't completely (some parts do) adhere to the season three canon. There are also most likely errors that I missed (still playing that game)

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

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><p>Kurt had never seen Blaine's house before, but out of all of the things that he had learned about Blaine over the past few weeks, this was the one that literally made his heart stop beating. It was one of those houses that you only saw in movies and reality television shows. To describe the house as anything but a mansion would be a huge insult to the building. There wasn't anything tacky about it like fountains or gazeboes. However, the columns made him believe that this mansion was at least two million dollars. All it needed was a gate and Blaine could easily have been the son of one of the <em>Real Housewives<em>.

"Sweet Mother of God, only two people live here?" Kurt turned the car off, as his eyes were fixated on the house's size.

"Last time I checked…" Blaine opened the car door, grabbing his duffel bag as he let a deep breath, looking up the walkway to the front door. Not closing the door, he looked back at Kurt, a nervous smile on his face. "Thank you for dropping me off. And I'm sorry about what happened at your house…"

"Don't worry about it, Blaine. You were upset. I was out of line. I should know that you're edgy now that you're pills aren't working," Kurt looked back at the house. "Is your dad home?"

Blaine shook his head. "Obviously not. He won't be home until tomorrow morning. Sometimes I wonder why he even has this big house. He could have easily just stuck me in some shitty condo…"

"Do I get a kiss?" Kurt asked, unbuckling his seatbelt.

Blaine climbed back into the car, Kurt planting a gentle kiss on his lips. As Kurt was getting ready to back away, he felt Blaine's lips collide with his in a hungry kiss, pulling his body out of the car seat as he continued the assault. Kurt's whole body was on fire as he felt his boyfriend's tongue slide past his lips. Kurt didn't think that after an almost panic attack and a two hour drive that was practically silent, that Blaine would want to have a make out session in the car. Yet here they were, in Kurt's car making out.

"Whoa," Kurt backed away, hands up against Blaine's chest. "I thought that this was more backseat appropriate…"

Blaine licked his lips with a smile. Kurt could feel his lover's heart racing. "Walk me to my door?"

"That depends are you going to attack me when we get there?" Kurt asked, trying to catch his breath, he ran his hand down Blaine's strong chest getting lost in the sensation of his heart racing through the cashmere of his cardigan.

Blaine chuckled, his chest rising and falling with each breath. "Are you going to walk me to my door or what?"

Kurt opened his door and got out of the car and made his way to the walkway. Walking toward this house was so surreal. He literally had to pinch himself to make sure that this was real. He was really walking to the door of his boyfriend's house. He was really seeing where his boyfriend lived. As they made it to the door, he felt his legs start to give out.

"Thank you, Kurt," Blaine placed a hand on Kurt's shoulder, affectionately rubbing it. "I'll see you later…"

"Wait," Kurt watched as Blaine unlocked the door. "Aren't you going to invite me inside?"

Blaine laughed as he opened the door. "I'm so sorry, where are my manners? You want to come in?"

Kurt walked through the door and looked around the foyer. He could only imagine how expensive all of this was. Everything in this house was worth more than Kurt's family would see in a lifetime. He almost fainted as he was caught up in how beautiful this place was. He looked back at Blaine, hearing the sound of his boots echoing through the empty house as he made his way to what Kurt knew was the sitting room. He followed his boyfriend who already made himself at home in the liquor cabinet.

"You want anything?" Blaine asked.

"Isn't your dad going to get pissed if you drink all of his booze?" Kurt walked toward Blaine who pulled out a bottle of sherry.

"He won't even know the difference, trust me. He'll think he drank it," Blaine took of the cover and took a quick sip of the bottle, looking over at the cabinet. "You want some? I won't tell on you."

Kurt shook his head. "I don't think you should be drinking. You almost had a panic attack at my house…"

Blaine brought the bottle to his lips again, chugging the contents quickly. The sound of Blaine gulping down the liquor sent chills down Kurt's spine as he watched the muscles in his throat move with every swallow. As he watched as Blaine's Adam's apple motioned during each swallow, he wanted to kiss at his neck, run his tongue along his flesh. He took a deep breath as Blaine finished off the bottle, capping it and putting it back in the cabinet.

Kurt watched as Blaine closed the cabinet and stood up to walk toward the couch, his eyes fixated on the wall. "Blaine, is this what you do every day when you don't come to see me? Sit alone and drink alone in your father's study?"

"Usually I cry…" Blaine answered as he sat down on the couch, laying back. "You know, now that my pills aren't working."

Kurt shook his head. "Not today…" he moved to sit next to Blaine on the couch. "You're not going to do this today… I'm going to stay with you," he stroked his lover's shoulder. "I'll even spend the night if I have to…"

Blaine smiled, moving his hand to touch Kurt's. "I've been thinking about something… that long car ride gave me a lot of time to organize my thoughts," he took a deep breath. "What if I went to McKinley with you? What if I left Dalton and went to school with you?"

Kurt wanted to hug him. That would be a dream come true. He thought of this moment since July. He yearned for the moment where Blaine would tell him that he was going to McKinley, the moment where he admitted that he wanted to be around him. In his mind it would end in passionate kisses and Kurt giving himself to Blaine fully as they made love for the first time. However, it was different now. Kurt was happy, that wasn't what was different. The difference was that Blaine wasn't doing this for the sake of being romantic, he wasn't even doing it for himself. He was running away. For the second time in Blaine's life, people had chased him away. Kurt couldn't let that happen again.

"Blaine," Kurt kissed at his boyfriend's shoulder. "Is that what you want? You told me earlier this year that you don't want to go to your third high school…"

Blaine took a deep breath. "I want to be happy, Kurt… _you _make me happy. When I'm around you, even right now… I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to punish myself," he closed his eyes as if he were thinking about what to say next. "The truth is that I need to be around you more than ever now… I need you… I need to be happy…"

Kurt took a deep breath. "Well if it's what you want…"

"I want to…" Blaine answered, his voice low. "I think I want to… nothing's making sense right now…"

Kurt ran his hand down Blaine's back, hearing him let out a deep breath. He moved to kiss at his cheek, Blaine turning to take his lips into a sweet kiss. They ran their noses against each other that Kurt took Blaine's hand with his own, holding it tightly. Blaine's breath was hot on Kurt's lips as they continued to run their noses together, Kurt's own breath catching in his throat.

"Blaine, you don't have to do this if you don't want to…" Kurt kissed at his lover's forehead. "After all of the pushing, I don't want you to do this because anyone told you that you had to…" he kissed at his forehead again. "I want you to do this because you want to…"

"Kurt, everyone knows at Dalton. Yes, they're going to expel or suspend any person who tries to harass me about it, but what about those who don't? What about those people who know and stay silent? How am I going to go back to being the golden boy when everything that I had is gone?" he closed his eyes and took a sharp breath. "I want to be safe. I want to be somewhere where no one knows that I cut myself… where no one knows that I'm crazy…" he moved his hands to take Kurt's, pulling the hand to his lips as he kissed at it gently. "I want you to help me through this…"

Kurt took a deep breath, looking into Blaine's eyes. "Tell me what we have to do…"

"I'll go to a psychiatrist, I'll buy nicotine patches, I'll stop drinking," Blaine's voice was a hushed whisper. "I just want you to know that I'm trying to fix myself for you… I'm trying to get back to the person that you love… and I want you to keep on love me…"

"You _are_ the person that I love, dummy, and I will always love you," Kurt smiled, shuddering as he felt Blaine kiss at his knuckles. "It's funny if we were alone at my house we'd be all over each other. But now that we're in a new place, you're being rather subdued…"

"Well then," Blaine sighed, releasing Kurt's hands. "I'm going to go take a bath…" he kissed gently at his lips. "You can stay down here if you want. There's a whole bunch of alcohol here. Do as you wish… my father's not going to come home any time soon…"

Kurt watched as Blaine walked out to move toward the stairs walking up them. He didn't know if the was an invitation or not. The thought of Blaine in a bathtub was enough to make Kurt wish that it was an invitation. They had taken baths together. It was usually a way for Kurt to help Blaine unwind from a long day. Blaine was no doubt carrying a lot with him around with him. Kurt looked around the study as he stood up. This was where Blaine's father spent most of his days. Blaine spent his days crying in here as he prayed for a father that would pay attention to him. He closed his eyes as he felt the first tear fall down his cheek as he could feel the pain that was in this room, breaking his heart as he realized just how dark Blaine's world was.

OOOOO

As the water filled the bathtub, Blaine slowly took his clothes off. It was only two years ago when he was on this floor bleeding out. It was only two years ago that he had reached a boiling point in this very house. The bathroom was still filled with his cries, with his screams, with his hopes that this was going to get better. After all of this time, he could still feel the pain. He could still feel the sadness as he remembered his blood on the floor. Closing his eyes, he got lost in the sound of the running water, feeling the steam ooze out of the bathtub, soothing his nerves.

He turned off the water as he moved to get into the large bathtub, closing his eyes as he felt the warmth surround his body. His mind started to calm down as all of the emotions within him started to go to sleep. Breathing in and out, every ounce of panic was starting to leave his body; finally he was able to relax. For the first time since before his panic attack at Dalton, he finally felt like he was in control of his body.

Just as he was about to drift completely away, he heard the door open. "Blaine? Are you okay in here?"

"Kurt, you should knock. I'm _indecent_," he looked over to the doorway to see his boyfriend standing in the doorway, walking forward as he closed the door behind him. "What took you so long? I was afraid that I was going to get wrinkly before you got the message. "

"I was sitting down, thinking, admiring the house," Kurt answered as he seductively unbuttoned his vest. "And your house is so huge. It took me forever just to find your bedroom…"

Blaine watched as Kurt slowly took his clothes off, moving closer to the bathtub as Blaine's body started to shake in anticipation. "Care to join me? There's plenty of room for you in here…"

Kurt was only in his underwear. "I thought that's where we were going…" he slowly lowered them, Blaine swallowing hard as Kurt was naked in front of him. He had seen Kurt naked hundreds of times, but this time was different. Maybe it was the heat of the bath water, maybe it was the fact that he had gone days without taking his pills, or maybe it was the fact that he and Kurt were now discussing his potential transfer to McKinley.

Kurt immersed himself in the water as he let out a moan, his body trying to adapt to the hot temperature. He moved to rest his head on Blaine's shoulder, kissing gently at his jaw line. "It's hot in here…"

"I like my baths scalding hot," Blaine answered his arm wrapping around Kurt's body, pulling him in tighter. "Come here…"

He kissed gently at Kurt's lips as Kurt moved to his lap, placing a leg on each side of his hips. The kiss deepened. Kurt moved his hips up against Blaine's the passion intensified. Blaine closed his eyes, running his hands down Kurt's bare back, his body shuddering with every movement of Kurt's body. The sound of the water sloshing around in the bathtub mixed with heavy breathing and soft moans, Blaine's blood boiling in his body as he felt the heat roll through him. There was something naughty about sneaking his boyfriend into his house to do act on urges that he knew his father detested. Deep down his father not only resented that he had a mental disease, but also that he was a homosexual.

He kissed at Kurt's neck, gently gnawing at the flesh as he felt Kurt react, his body jerking up against Blaine's. Their breath had become heavy as their bodies were tangled together in the water. Hormones were screaming as the lust skyrocketed, Blaine's hands moving to caress one of Kurt's long legs.

Blaine loved how close Kurt was to him, grinding up against him, accenting every movement with a soft moan. He kissed at him, not caring about the numerous marks that he was leaving behind, not caring about the almost screams that he was gaining from Kurt as he assaulted his body with his mouth, his hands gripping tightly at his body. It was an out of body experience as he continued to possess his boyfriend, his body craving Kurt's.

"I love kissing you," Blaine breathed before kissing Kurt's lip again. "Your lips are so soft…" he ran his tongue along Kurt's upper lip before biting at his lower. "You are so Goddamn sexy…"

"Well this is one way to calm you down from having a panic attack. I'm just trying to be a good boyfriend" Kurt breathed, his hands shaking as he wrapped his arms tighter around Blaine's neck. "Besides, I love taking long, hot baths with you…" he moved one of his hands to fall into the water. "How about we turn up the heat?"

"What did you have in mind?" Blaine asked, kissing at Kurt's lips once again.

Blaine let out a deep groan as he felt Kurt's hand wrap around his hardening erection, his eyes meeting his boyfriend's as he felt their mouth connect in a hot kiss. Kurt's hand moved up and down the flesh, the friction sending waves of pleasure throughout Blaine's body as he could feel his body begging for more. He was begging for Kurt's body.

"I want you, Kurt," Blaine breathed up against Kurt's neck, bucking into his closed hand. "I want you so fucking badly…"

Kurt let out a deep moan, his hand coming to a stop. "I want you too…" he looked into Blaine's eyes. "But not in the bathtub…"

Blaine smiled as he kissed at Kurt's forehead. "Okay… to the bedroom then…"

They got out of the bathtub, not caring to drain it before they walked toward the bedroom. When they finally got to the bed, they didn't waste any time before they started kissing each other, caressing each other, grabbing each other, possessing each other. Blaine was getting lost in the moment as he lay in between Kurt's naked legs, kissing at him. He wanted to do everything. He had always wanted to sleep with Kurt. He wanted to sleep with Kurt back in June. The August attempt turned him off for a few weeks, but it came back full force since then. The only thing stopping him was that he knew Kurt wasn't ready. He said he was, but Blaine could see in his eyes that he was too nervous to go "all the way." Yet now as he felt Kurt bite at his neck and claw at his back, this time was different. Kurt was ready.

"Wait," Blaine breathed, backing away from Kurt's lips. "I have to warn you, that if we keep doing this… I can't guarantee that I can stop myself…"

Kurt sighed as he looked into Blaine's eyes. "Blaine Anderson," he kissed at his boyfriend's nose. "I had a whole speech prepared for this moment, but I can't remember it right now…"

Blaine raised an eyebrow. "You had a speech?"

"The point is…" he swallowed hard as he closed his eyes. "I'm ready, Blaine…" Blaine opened his mouth to speak. "Before you tell me I'm not… I'm going to tell you that I am. I don't care that I haven't met your parents. I don't care if you have schizophrenia…"

"I said bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder…"

"Can I finish?" Kurt asked. Blaine nodded. "I want to be with you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want you to be the first person who I experience this with. I want to connect with you…"

"That just sounds dirty…" Blaine chuckled kissing at Kurt's neck.

"What I'm trying to say is: I want you to make love to me, Blaine…" Kurt ran his hand down Blaine's back. "I'm ready…"

"Are you sure?" Blaine asked, his heart racing.

"We've been dating for almost seven months, you haven't pressured me, and you've been honest with me. I've never loved anyone like I've love you before. I want you to do this…" he kissed at Blaine's lips. "Touch me, Blaine…"

Blaine kissed at Kurt's neck as he pulled Kurt's body closer to his own. He was able to completely let go. His movements were aggressive, sexual as Kurt let out a series of long moans as they moved up against one another. Moving his hand lower, he wrapped his fingers around Kurt's erection, hearing him cry out in pleasure, moaning Blaine's name deep in his throat. He could kiss Kurt forever. Moans increased in volume and intensity as he ran his hand up and down Kurt's length, the bathwater acting as lubricant.

Blaine wanted to be inside Kurt. Damn did he want to be inside Kurt. He had dreamed on this moment for months. Now it was here, Kurt was begging for him to make love to him. He didn't want to screw this up by going too fast.

"Blaine…" Kurt moaned, his hands gripping Blaine's shoulders tight. "Please…"

"Please what?" Blaine asked squeezing gently at Kurt's hard flesh, loving the high pitched squeal that he gained from the action. "What do you want me to do to you?"

Kurt swallowed hard, struggling to form words. "Do you have any lube?"

"Of course I do," Blaine answered relishing in the sight of Kurt's response to pleasure.

"Get it…" Kurt breathed heavily, his chest rising and falling dramatically with every breath.

Blaine reached for his nightstand, opening the drawer. He pulled it out quickly, almost dropping it as his hands were shaking. Wasting no time he moved back over to Kurt, opening the bottle, dumping some on his fingers.

"Are you ready for this?" Blaine asked, raising one of Kurt's legs over his shoulder, running his fingers along the soft, hairless flesh.

Kurt nodded as he inhaled deeply. "Put your fingers in me…" he let out a shaky moan. "Oh God, Blaine, put your fingers in me…"

Kurt may not have been good with his fingers; Blaine however had no problem using them correctly, almost painlessly. When he pushed the first finger in, Kurt let out a small gasp of pain, his muscles tightening around the digit. As he eased the muscles, he added another finger, watching Kurt's body shudder.

"Am I hurting you?" Blaine kissed at Kurt's leg.

Kurt shook his head. "No… k-keep going… keep going, _Blaine_… k-keep going"

Blaine spread his fingers apart, Kurt letting out a deep breath as he bit at his lower lip. The third finger seemed easier to get in. Spreading the fingers, he looked down at Kurt and saw him arch slightly off of the bed, his body trembling with pain and adrenaline. Seeing this, Blaine moved his finger to brush against the spot that would make all of the discomfort disappear for a moment.

"Shit!" Kurt moaned, Blaine's fingers brushing against his prostate. "_Blaine_…"

"You like that?" Blaine asked kissing at Kurt's leg, moaning as he felt Kurt's muscles tighten around his fingers.

"Yes!" Kurt swallowed audibly, his legs shaking. "Yes, Blaine…!"

It felt fantastic inside Kurt. His whole body felt like it was going to burst as he got lost in the feeling of the tight muscles and erotic heat inside of him. The blood was running white hot through his veins as he brushed against Kurt's prostate again, hearing him let out another moan, his muscles tightening around Blaine's fingers. It was at this moment when Blaine knew that he couldn't take anymore.

"I need to be inside you…" Blaine breathed, relishing in the feeling of Kurt's muscles tightening around his fingers. "I want to fuck you so badly…"

"Do you have a condom?" Kurt asked, his eyes hazy.

Blaine's heart sank as he realized the truth. This was fun while it lasted. "No…" he shook his head. "I didn't expect this to happen…" he swallowed hard, his throat was dry. "But I swear to God that I don't have anything… I'm clean, Kurt… I haven't had any sexual contact aside from you in over a year…"

Kurt took a deep breath. "Forget the condom…" he moved to hitch his other leg over Blaine's shoulder. "Just make love to me… put your penis in me…" Blaine loved how technical that sounded. "Do it…"

Blaine took a deep breath as he reached for the lube. This was really happening. He was really going to lose his virginity. For years he had kept this for himself, saving it for someone that he truly loved. Kurt Hummel was that person. He poured some of the lube onto his erection, slicking himself up as he let out a few short moans, his eyes locking with Kurt's. This was the moment that they were going to remember forever. After high school, after college, when they were adults in the world, they were going to remember the moment in Blaine's bed in Westerville, Ohio where they made love the first time.

He moved closer to his boyfriend, Kurt's legs up against his chest as he moved to line himself up with Kurt's slick entrance. He took a deep breath as he looked into Kurt's eyes as he felt his hands on his shoulders, waiting for full penetration. He took another deep breath as he was about to push into him.

Then he heard the front door open.

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><p>I know this chapter didn't really have much plot, but when I tried to combine with with the next chapter it was a monster! So I split it in half. Also the scene would have continued which would be really weird to shift from almost having sex to something else.<p>

The next chapter will bring a little more light to the situation at Dalton (the _Razor Blaine _scandal) as well as show you who walked through the door (it's not who you think it is.)

The next chapter will be up sometime next week.

Feel free to leave feedback.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, some sexuality (references and some making out), psychological issues, and underage drinking. Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't completely (some parts do) adhere to the season three canon. There are also most likely errors that I missed, but I think you understand that by now. I was also listening to the soundtrack to _The End of the Affair_ a lot during this chapter, so it may be overdramatic.

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

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><p>"Did you hear that?" Blaine asked as he looked toward his bedroom door.<p>

"Hear what?" Kurt asked, his voice low.

"Someone just came through the front door…" Blaine gulped as he realized who it was. "Fuck! My dad's home…"

"I thought you said that he wasn't going to come back for hours?" Kurt was still whispering.

"I thought he wasn't…" he looked down at Kurt. He had finally gotten Kurt Hummel right where he wanted him and his father had to come home early right before he could do anything. "I really want to do this, but…"

"Your dad…" Kurt rolled his eyes. "Cock blocked by a homophobe…"

Blaine rolled off of Kurt's body as he moved to the bathroom to grab his bathrobe. "I'll stall him and then I'll come and get you and help you sneak out," he put the bathrobe on as he watched Kurt on the bed.

"Are you seriously going to confront your father in a bathrobe? That's not suspicious or anything," Kurt moved toward the bathroom to get his clothes.

"Do you have any better ideas?" Blaine asked as Kurt threw his clothes onto the bed and started to put them back on. "I'll be right back…"

He watched as Kurt rolled his eyes moving to the bathroom to get more of his clothes.

Blaine ran down the hall to the stairs, almost falling down them as he tripped over his own foot. Why was his father home so early? It was only six o' clock. Even if he were to come home tonight, it wouldn't be until ten o' clock at the earliest. When he saw who was in the foyer he wished that he stayed upstairs and made love to Kurt.

"Jeff? Nick?" Blaine walked toward them. "You scared the shit out of me! How did you get in here?"

"The door was unlocked," Jeff answered as if this were common knowledge. "We knocked and rang the doorbell, but no one answers, so we invited ourselves in."

Nick's attention was to the bathrobe. "Why are you in a bathrobe?"

"Would you prefer I came down naked?" Blaine asked, crossing his arms.

"Better question," Jeff looked toward the door. "Why is Kurt's car in the driveway?"

Blaine opened his mouth to speak until he heard Kurt start to walk down the stairs. "It's just Nick and Jeff?"

Blaine looked back at Kurt. His hair was messed up, still wet from their bathtub make out. He missed two button holes on his vest and only one of his shoes was on. The clues to their almost sex were littered all over their bodies. Blaine wished at this moment he could just go back upstairs, take off all of those clothes and continue where they left off.

"Hey Kurt," Nick waved still not seeing what was blatantly in front of him. "How's it going?"

"I'm hanging in there," Kurt was still struggling to catch his breath.

Blaine had a feeling that Jeff was going to connect the dots. "Oh my God! Were you two having sex?"

Kurt blushed as he looked over at Blaine. "Uh…"

"We were going to, but I thought that you were my dad and I ran down to distract you…" Blaine shook his head. "So freaking close…"

Nick looked at Kurt then at Blaine. "Don't mind us. You two can go back upstairs and screw if you want. We'll stay out of your hair…"

"Kind of killed the mood," Blaine answered tightening the tie on his bathrobe. "Thanks to the two of you I'm going to be a virgin forever, but I know that you're going to make it up to me. Surely, there was something important that you needed to talk to me about unless you just like cruising around town breaking into rich people's houses…"

Jeff sighed. "You might want to sit down for this."

"I should go…" Kurt's voice was a low whisper.

"No," Blaine moved to grasp Kurt's hand, feeling it tremble in his grasp. "I want you to stay. Whatever they say in front of me, they can say in front of you," he moved to kiss him gently on the lips. "I want you to stay with me…"

"Okay," Kurt breathed, kissing at Blaine's lips again.

"God you two make me feel like I need insulin," Jeff rolled his eyes.

They moved to the study, Blaine moving to sit on the couch, Kurt moving to sit next to him. Jeff and Nick made a few steps toward the liquor cabinet pulling out a bottle of vodka, handing it to Blaine.

"You might want this," Nick sighed. "What we're going to tell you is pretty intense…"

"Are you two coming out?" Blaine asked handing the practically empty bottle to Kurt, the last thing that he wanted to do was drink. The sherry was already starting to make him nauseous, adding vodka to that mix would be destructive. "Okay, I'll be serious. What happened at Dalton? Did I miss a huge Latin exam or something?"

Jeff said two words that made Blaine's blood run cold. "The Spanish Inquisition…"

It took Blaine a few moments to get his mouth to respond to his brain's message to speak. "What?" He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. "What do you mean the Spanish Inquisition…?"

"Well I don't mean the _Monty Python_ way," Jeff chuckled. "I mean the scary way. No comfy chairs and soft cushions used to get answers out of us…"

"I was seriously waiting for them to get the torture devices," Nick breathed as he leaned up against the desk. "I wasn't personally accused of anything, but those who were… I sympathize for them… some of their reputations are completely ruined."

"Accused of what?" Blaine could feel his heart race as he knew what it was about. "What was the reason for this?"

Jeff took a deep breath. "You might want to take a drink…"

"Jeff," Blaine could feel Kurt's hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down from the panic that was building up in him. "Just tell me… please… tell me."

There was a silence as Jeff and Nick looked at each other and then back at Blaine. Jeff was the first to speak. "They're expelling people who they think were involved in the _Razor Blaine_ fiasco. Anyone who was proven to be involved in it has been punished."

Blaine could feel his heart stop beating as his breath because thick, unable to release itself from his lungs. His fingers moved to grab the bottle out of Kurt's hands, opening it quickly before he started pouring the contents into his mouth. He could still feel Kurt's hand running up and down his back as he swallowed the vodka, his body shaking as he felt his stomach fill with alcohol. He felt nauseated. He knew that he was going to vomit. He could feel his stomach rumble as he continued to drink, but stopping wasn't an option. He couldn't stop.

"How many?" Kurt asked, trying desperately to get the answers that Blaine was too afraid to ask for. "Did they get the guy who did it?"

Jeff's eyes were on Blaine as he swallowed the last few drops of the vodka. "No…" the sound of Blaine coughing from almost choking on the liquid filled the atmosphere. "They've expelled three people for making the posters, two long term suspensions for putting the posters up, and five suspensions for making comments to Blaine's face or about Blaine behind his back. No one's talking about who the kingpin is… whoever he is he's not going to graduate from high school any time soon…"

"Are they at least looking?" Kurt was more concerned about this than Blaine was. His voice was desperate as he craved the answer. Blaine knew that Kurt still wanted to kill the person who started this. He needed a name. All he needed was a name.

However, Blaine didn't want to talk about this. He didn't want to talk about how everyone was getting punished except for the one who did this to him. The boy who did the digging, the boy who looked up his past and found the one thing that made him wish that he was dead was still at that school, he would remain at that school until they went through all of the footage. He looked over at the liquor cabinet, praying that he could have just one more bottle to calm his nerves.

"I was brought into the office, because they saw me with some posters," Blaine's heart stopped at he heard those words.

"Are you okay?" his voice shook as he looked at his friend. "Did they suspend you?"

Jeff shook his head, relief setting into Blaine's skin. "I told them I was taking them down. Needless to say, I was let of the hook, but it was a long grueling process," Jeff looked straight at Blaine, concern filling him. "Are you okay?"

Blaine didn't notice it, but his hands were shaking as his breath started to speed up. His heart was starting to race. The talk of this situation was a little too much for him, his whole body remembering the day when he saw that name carved in the table. He needed a cigarette or another drink. He needed something to distract his body from getting to anxious. As he felt his vision start to blur, he felt Kurt wrap his arms around him.

"It's okay, Blaine," Kurt soothed. "Calm down… keep breathing…" he looked over at Nick. "Can you get him a cigarette or something?"

"I thought you didn't condone my nasty habit?" Blaine looked over at Kurt.

"I don't want you to pass out on me," he kissed at his forehead, his voice soft and soothing, it comforted him. "I'm absolutely no help when there's an emergency. I'll end up in the hospital and you'll be drinking black coffee getting antsy waiting to get out of there…"

Jeff smirked at the two of them. "Blaine, I know that you don't feel safe there…"

"You have no idea," Blaine scoffed.

"I know I don't," Jeff was still trying to sympathize with him, but it was hard to talk to Blaine when he got like this. "It must be horrifying. I can't imagine going through what you go through. You're so strong. I think I would have killed myself years ago."

"Easier said than done. Whenever you want to do something, someone always comes in and makes you reconsider," Blaine kissed at Kurt's hand, hearing his boyfriend laugh nervously. "Besides, there's always something worth living for."

"Are you going to come back to Dalton?" Nick asked, getting straight to the point. "I mean, I know that you're going through a difficult time right now, but you can't hide from school forever."

"It's worked out so far…" Blaine was hoping that they would stop talking about it.

"Your dad is going to kill you if you keep this up," Jeff shook his head, trying to knock some sense into him. "Blaine… I know that you're hurting on the inside. I know this is extremely hard for you, but…"

"Do you really know, Jeff?" Blaine could feel his voice grow cold and gravel filled it. "Have you been run out of every high school that you've been to? Been ridiculed for being different? Been tortured and almost killed because there's something wrong with you that you can't cure?" he scoffed, Kurt's hands rubbing his back to try to calm him down. "I'm sorry Jeffrey, but I don't think you have the slightest clue what's going on here…"

Jeff wasn't giving up. "Blaine… come on…"

"Come on and what?" Blaine couldn't stop himself from raising his voice, his breath catching in his throat, almost throwing Kurt off of him.

"Whoa!" Kurt threw his hands up in surrender as Blaine moved to Jeff.

"You know what Jeff," Blaine could feel his chest filling with pressure, his whole body starting to shake. He needed to get the pressure out. He needed to find something to make the emotional pain go away. "I don't think that you really give a fuck about me! You're trying to help, but do you think that maybe I don't need this right now? Why are you torturing me?"

Blaine knew that Jeff didn't understand. How could he? How could anyone understand? They all were in love with sane Blaine, their false god. He wasn't that guy anymore. He could never be that guy again. His reputation was tarnished. After years of trying to convince them that he was perfect, they now saw just how broken and fucked up he truly was. They could only see the scars along his skin. The boy that they once praised was now nothing more than just a psychopath who had a catastrophic breakdown in the middle of the school. But when he looked at Jeff, he knew that this had reached the breaking point. For the first time since learning that Blaine was medicated, Jeff couldn't play nice anymore.

"I give a fuck about you, Blaine…" Jeff answered as Nick stared blankly from the corner of the room. "You don't know how much I fucking give a fuck about you!" Nick and Kurt both jumped as Jeff cursed, their eyes avoiding the arguing teens. "Did you know that I had to convince Wes every single day that you were missing not to come back to Ohio to try to find you? Did you know that I covered for you at school? I said that you had a family emergency. They bought it. I have done everything to make everything okay for you, to get everyone off of your ass. So don't you _dare_ tell me that I don't give a fuck about you!"

Blaine moved back to the couch to sit down, Kurt wrapping his arms around him as a panic attack was starting to set in. His whole body was shaking. His vision was blurring. His chest was heavy. He was going to die if he kept it up. If he kept overreacting, he was going to kill himself if he didn't catch his breath. Both Nick and Jeff moved closer to him, muttering something to each other as they made their way to the couch. It was a small attack. It was nothing compared to the last three episodes that he had at Dalton. This was going to pass.

"Breathe Blaine," Kurt whispered. "Breathe with me…"

Kurt inhaled slowly as Blaine copied the action, exhaling as Kurt did. He repeated the cycle three times as he closed his eyes, resting up against Kurt's chest. It wasn't fair to put him through this. It wasn't fair for Kurt to have to be dragged down with him. Yet he couldn't help but relish in the comfort of Kurt's body or feel the love that was between them. This was real. This was going to help him slowly put the pieces back together.

"Sorry Jeff," Blaine whispered, he could feel the tears pooling in his eyes. "I'm just so confused in my head right now…"

"I understand," Jeff laughed as he looked at the liquor cabinet with a smile. "You downed two bottles of liquor. Your body probably hates you right now… it wants pills not booze."

"In my defense both of those bottles were practically empty," he nuzzled deeper into Kurt's chest, listening to the gentle rhythm of his heart. "And it helps calm my nerves after a long day, takes the edge off."

"Well I'm sure that getting your meds updated would do more than take the edge off," Blaine knew that Jeff could still see his body shaking, his voice growing quiet as he moved to touch his shoulder. "Blaine, I worry about you. Next time you decide to skip school, call me. I was worried sick about you."

"I was at Kurt's house," Blaine sighed. "It's not like I left the state or anything…"

"Still," Jeff still touched his shoulder. "I care about you. I really care about you. Knowing that you were out there, that you were hurting and you were pushing us all aside, that broke my heart," he ran his hand down Blaine's arm, hazel eyes following it down. "Something could have happened to you. I could have lost you, and I wouldn't have known," he closed his eyes taking a deep breath. "I'm scared, Blaine…"

"Scared of what?" Blaine asked, his voice shaking. "I'm fine…"

"I know you are, and I thank God that you are," he looked over at Nick who was staring blankly at the floor biting his lip. "But I'm scared about what's going to happen to you if you cut people out of your life."

"I'm sorry for putting you through that," Blaine breathed, his eyes closing as Kurt continued to caress him, his body so close to his.

He wanted to tell them what he told Kurt. He wanted to tell them that he wasn't sure he wanted to continue his education at Dalton Academy. He couldn't continue to go someplace where they would whisper and laugh about a disorder that they would never understand how it took over his life. They would never understand the ups, the downs, the pain, the sleepless nights, the cravings for alcohol, nicotine, and sex, nor would they understand the urge to punish himself for being so weak. They would never understand that this was running his life and he was a prisoner to his own mind. He didn't know how he could continue to surround himself with people who were going to cut him down every single day. He could never go back.

"No one's mad at you," Kurt whispered. "They're just concerned."

"They have a right to be," Blaine sighed. "I really am messed up."

"So when does Party Blaine come out?" Kurt asked, kissing the top of Blaine's head, running his nose through his hair. "Because right now you're just being really…"

"Depressing?" Blaine tried to finish his sentence.

"I was going to say bitchy, but depressing works too," Kurt chuckled, kissing again at the top of Blaine's head. "I highly doubt that people want to hang out with Bitchy Blaine… you know with all the yelling and the crying…"

"There is much of a difference between my moods," he smiled with a laugh. "And for the record, you almost had sex with _Bitchy Blaine_," he looked up into Kurt's eyes. "And I recall that you loved every second of it…"

"I love all the Blaines," Kurt's lips kissed gently at his boyfriend's. "And you weren't so bitchy in the bedroom…"

"I blame testosterone," he kissed at Kurt's lips lightly. "And the fact that you are so damn hot…"

"You two do realize we're still in the room right?" Nick broke them out of the moment and threw them, crashing back to reality.

Kurt blushed as he looked down at Blaine. "See what you make me do…"

"You kissed me first…" his voice was a whisper as he heard Nick clear his throat. "What? Is there something you have to say?"

"Blaine, we really need you to come back," Nick was desperate; it was obvious in his voice and his eyes. "They won't stop expelling people until you come back. I know that you aren't going to rest until you find the person who did this, but we lost five Warblers. We need our leader back. We need to have our power back. If we don't get to Nationals this year, the Warblers are going to lose their reputation."

Blaine knew that there was a lot of pressure on him, more than on an average teenager. He had bitten off more than he could chew, but still he tried to swallow it. He was choking the expectations that he had for himself. He was torn between two dreams. Half of him wanted to stay at Dalton and continue to be their god, holding onto any glory that was left over after his fall from grace. Then there was the part of him that wanted to start over, wanted to feel good about himself again. Looking at his friends and the Kurt, he knew that he was going to have to eventually choose what he thought would be best for him: continue living the life that everyone was jealous of or hit rock bottom by going to McKinley and starting all over again to help feel human again. He let out a deep breath, Kurt's hand running down his back. He then made his choice.

"Okay," Blaine nodded. "Tomorrow I'm going back to Dalton Academy…"

"You are?" Blaine knew that Kurt was betrayed. "Blaine, come on… the guy who did this to you, he's still at that school. Who knows what he's going to do next? He could hurt you…"

Blaine knew that Kurt wasn't going to take this well. Only a few moments ago, he said that he was considering going to McKinley. Kurt was going to make love to him because he finally felt connected to him. Somewhere deep down inside of him, he was glad that they didn't make love, because he knew that he would have totally gotten dumped right now if they had. Kurt's hand moved away from Blaine back. He knew he was in trouble.

"I want to give it one last shot," Blaine nodded, closing his eyes. "But the second that anything happens I can't guarantee that I'll stay…"

Jeff exhaled deeply. "Fair enough… welcome back, Blaine. We're going to have to get our asses in gear if we want to make it to Nationals…"

"I must protest," Kurt's gaze was slowly driving holes through Blaine's skull. "Don't you think that Blaine should go somewhere that doesn't make him want to kill himself? I mean seriously. You're playing with matches and Blaine's going to get burned."

"If I go to a psychiatrist…"

"Psychiatrist or no psychiatrist, this is a long process. It took you months to get over it before, Blaine," Kurt shook his head, his voice shaking with a mix of emotions that sent chills down his spine. "How am I supposed to sleep at night not knowing whether you're feeling down or not…"

"Lover's quarrel?" Nick looked over at Jeff.

"No, domestic dispute," Jeff motioned toward the door. "We should leave these two alone. Besides, we still need to discuss our set list for Sectionals…"

They walked toward the door, Nick letting out a small goodbye before the door opened and closed. It was just Kurt and Blaine alone in the house. But they weren't going to pick things up where they left off. Not even close.

"What are you doing?" Kurt asked. "You said you were going to McKinley…"

"I said maybe," Blaine got off of the couch and moved toward the liquor cabinet. "I can't just stay out of school while I get this sorted out…"

Kurt's eyes were drizzled with a combination of anger and sorrow as he got off of the couch and started walking toward Blaine. "Sorted out? They said he's still there, Blaine. He's still there and he's not going to let up until he destroys you…"

Blaine shook his head. "This isn't like you and Karofsky…"

"No, this is a million times worse!" Kurt moved toward Blaine, Blaine's eyes avoiding his as he couldn't stand the tension between them. "I never considered hurting myself because of it…"

"Bullshit!" Blaine locked eyes with Kurt. "You think I'm going to buy that? I have known this territory _way _longer than you have. I've watched bullies tear people apart. I was one of those people. When Karofsky tormented you, I know that you wanted to die…"

"You think you know everything just because a few guys beat the shit out of you after a dance?" Kurt was playing dirty, hitting below the waist. When they fought, nothing was sacred to Kurt. "You think that makes you God?"

"I wasn't just beaten up, Kurt. I was unconscious. Most of my ribs were broken. I almost bled to death!" Blaine knew that this was going way further than it should have gone. "Have you ever nearly bled to death? Do you know how painful that it? Have you ever seen the looks on your parents' faces when they were terrified that they were going to lose you? I have! Twice! I don't want to go through that again, you know I don't!"

Kurt's eyes were watering as he struggled to speak. "I don't want you to die, Blaine…"

"Who said anything about dying?" Blaine turned to the liquor cabinet opening it.

"You cut yourself last time. We were lucky it was only your hand. Next time it could be your arm, or your leg, or your stomach. It could be somewhere vital and I don't want to be sitting in the middle of school and get a text saying that you're gone..." Kurt swallowed a sob as he took a deep breath. "I can't live in a world where you're gone…"

Blaine sighed as he closed the liquor cabinet. He didn't want to drink anymore. He didn't want to quench his thirst for happiness in alcohol and nicotine. All he could think about was Kurt. He looked over at his boyfriend, saw the tears rolling from his eyes and he knew that this was slowly tearing them apart.

"Don't be so dramatic, Kurt," Blaine soothed his hand resting up against the door of the liquor cabinet. "I'm going back to Dalton. I'm not going to war… I don't think that you need to worry about me…" Blaine inhaled sharply as he moved toward the desk. "I need to do this for myself…"

Kurt swallowed again before asking a question that made Blaine's heart stop. "What if I have sex with you? Then will you reconsider?"

Out of all of the things that Kurt could have said at that moment. He could have dumped him. He could have yelled at him. He could have continued to badger him into coming to McKinley. The last thing that Blaine ever thought he would do was use sex to as a form of incentive. Blaine knew Kurt valued his body. He wouldn't give himself up for something as silly as a lover's quarrel. His stomach started to get sick as he watched Kurt's hands move to the buttons of his vest, shaking as he struggled with the buttons, his breathing harsh from crying. He closed his eyes hoping that it would all go away. He hoped that this was just a hallucination. Opening his eyes again, he saw Kurt finish unbuttoning his vest, tears in his eyes as he moved closer to him.

"Kurt…" Blaine shook his head as he watched his boyfriend peel the vest off of his shoulders, dropping it to the ground. He fought the urge to vomit. "No… don't…" he lunged forward and grabbed at Kurt's shoulders. "Stop it!" he looked Kurt dead in the eyes. "What are you doing?"

"D-don't you want me?" Kurt asked, his body shaking in Blaine's hands. "I thought you wanted to sleep with me… you were going to do it upstairs…" he swallowed a deep breath. "I just want to pick up where we left off…"

He felt Kurt's lips on his neck as he was pushed toward the desk. "Kurt…" Blaine could feel his stomach start to twist. "Stop…" Kurt's lips were still on his neck, Blaine's body painfully up against the desk. "Stop…" he closed his eyes, shaking his head. "Stop!"

Kurt backed away slowly, his eyes on the ground. "What's wrong with you?"

"I could ask you the same question," Blaine moved away from the desk, his skin burning from where the wood had embedded into him. "Kurt, I wanted to make love to you upstairs. I was going to make love to you upstairs. Don't tell me you wanted to do it to keep me away from Dalton…"

Kurt shook his head. "It wasn't. I love you, Blaine… I just don't want you to get hurt."

Blaine winced as he moved closer to his boyfriend, his hands on his shoulders. "Look, if it's dangerous, I swear I will discuss it with you. You don't have to worry…" he kissed at Kurt's nose, hearing his boyfriend sob gently. "And don't have sex with me because you think you have to… you don't… I'm willing to wait forever to make love to you."

"I'm just so scared…" Kurt looked into Blaine's eyes. "I don't want you to get hurt."

"No one is going to hurt me, Kurt," Blaine smiled softly. "I promise you that I'm going to be okay. It's just a few more days at Dalton if anything goes haywire, I will tell you…" he kissed at Kurt's lips feeling his lover's breathing become deeper. "Okay…"

Kurt was silent for almost a minute before he spoke again. "It's seven o' clock… my dad's going kill me…"

"It's rush hour, Kurt…" Blaine didn't want him to leave just yet. "You'll be stuck in traffic forever. You can leave a little later. We can go out to eat. We could see a movie. We could do anything you want until the roads clear up…"

"My dad's going to think we had sex…"

"Your father is going to trust you to make the right decision. Besides after what just happened I'm not sure if we're ready to have sex." Blaine ran his hands down Kurt's shoulders hearing him let out a shaky breath. "My dad isn't coming home tonight. I'll call him and ask him if he's coming home, if he says no then the house is ours…"

Kurt took a deep breath. "Okay…"

Blaine smiled. "Very well then…" he walked toward the couch. "Now that we have finished our domestic dispute what should we do?"

Kurt walked slowly to the couch. "We should mark this day on the calendar…"

"Today has been epic. We had fight at your house, drove two hours to my house, I said I was considering going to McKinley, we tried to have sex, got cock blocked by two of my friends, I said I was going back to Dalton, we had another fight, you tried to do me on my father's desk, and now we are sitting on the couch," Blaine shook his head. "This day is more jumbled then my not medicated thoughts."

Kurt looked at his feet. "Yeah…"

Blaine moved closer to Kurt on the couch. "I love you, Kurt… that hasn't changed…"

"I know," Kurt shook his head as he looked Blaine in the eyes. "I've been really off lately…"

"Maybe you're hungry…" Blaine moved to kiss at Kurt's forehead. "I know you get cranky when you don't eat. We can go out and get something… not much of a cook myself. Really I can only make pancakes and grilled cheese, but I could try to make you something…"

Kurt shook his head. "No… I'm not that hungry."

Blaine nodded. "Okay," he ran his hand down Kurt's shoulder. "If you change your mind we can go get something and we can talk more about us than school," he noticed how Kurt shivered at the sensation. "Are you cold?"

Kurt nodded, moving closer to his boyfriend. They had their secrets, but in the end they still loved each other. They just had to make sure that it didn't kill them in the end. Blaine ran his hand down his boyfriend's back, kissing gently at the top of his head. They were going to power through this.

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><p>This chapter was supposed be part of the last chapter, but I thought that I should break it in half so it wasn't a monster. I know that this chapter wasn't that good, but it helps to show the wedge that is going to get driven deeper into their relationship.<p>

The next chapter will bring Burt into the picture as Kurt has become a little too hands on with Blaine for his liking.

The next chapter will be up sometime next week.

Feel free to leave feedback.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, some sexuality, psychological issues, and daddy issues. Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't completely (some parts do) adhere to the season three canon. There are also most likely errors that I missed, but I think you understand that by now (I read through this, but I know that this is a problem that I have).

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

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><p>Kurt rolled over in the bed, resting on Blaine's chest, listening to the sound of his heart beating, snuggling into him closer. He got lost in the sound of Blaine's breathing, the warmth of his skin. His fingers trembled as he traced along his lover's collarbone, looking at the various love bites that he had left behind from their almost lovemaking. Blaine was calm. For the first time all day his breathing was steady, regular. It had been a long day, one of the longest that Kurt had ever experienced. Yet still at the end of the day he was where he belonged, wrapped in Blaine's arms.<p>

He kissed gently at his lover's bare chest, hearing a small purr bubble from Blaine's throat. He loved every inch of Blaine. Hands run down Blaine's toned stomach as he needed to touch him, he needed to caress him. After the fight they had made out on the couch, and eventually came back to the bed where Kurt felt completely overwhelmed by lust. He was a teenage boy, he had hormones, his body loved stimulation, but today he was overcome by a lust that he had never felt before. He kissed at Blaine's stomach, hearing his boyfriend inhale sharply.

"What are you doing down there?" Blaine's words slurred together. "At least wake me up before you molest me…"

"Is it molestation if you like it?" Kurt kissed at Blaine's navel hearing him moan quietly. "I just wanted to be intimate with my boyfriend…"

"Your boyfriend is tired," Blaine breathed, running his hand through Kurt's hair. "You wore your boyfriend out…" he closed his eyes as he tried to get back to sleep. "He is not a sex toy. You can't just put more batteries in him and turn him on again…"

Kurt kissed along Blaine's sternum. "I just want to be intimate with you…"

"No," Blaine yawned. "You want to have sex…"

"I just want to feel you," Kurt breathed heavily, exhaling on Blaine's sweat soaked skin. "I just want to put my hands on you…"

"Well that's a nice break from all of the thigh sex," Blaine ran his hands down Kurt's back. "Come here…"

Their lips met in a sweet kiss. Blaine's sheets were soaked with sweat from their "fooling around", the smell of it in the air. He felt Blaine's arms wrap around him before they rolled over, Blaine's body pinning Kurt to the bed. Their lips worked more aggressively, Kurt's body shuddering as he tightened his legs around Blaine's body, his hands pressed against his sculpted shoulder blades. Small moans filled the room as the bed creaked from their weight shifting. It was then that Kurt looked at the clock on the wall.

"Oh my God," he breathed heavily as Blaine bit at his deltoid, breaking the skin. "It's ten o' clock!"

Blaine looked at the clock, licking the blood off of his lips. "So it is…"

They kissed again. Kurt's body didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay and gain every ounce of pleasure that he could from Blaine's body. The feeling of their lips colliding, their bodies moving in unison, he didn't want to lose any of this. But his brain knew that his father was going to kill him if he didn't come home tonight.

"Blaine, I have to go," Kurt breathed, his hands up against his boyfriend's chest. "It's late. I have school tomorrow…"

Blaine moved off of Kurt's body. "When can I see you again?"

"I'll send you a text," Kurt moved to gather his clothes from the side of the bed.

"Text me when you get home," Blaine breathed running a hand through his sweaty hair. "I want to know you made it home safe…"

Kurt kissed Blaine softly on the lips. "I will…"

"I'm going to have to sleep all by myself tonight?" Blaine asked before kissing Kurt's lips again. "This big house gets so lonely…"

"I think you're going to be okay," Kurt really wanted to stay. "I have to go. My dad is going to think I ran off to have sex…"

"But we didn't have sex," Blaine answered, his body shaking as he kissed at Kurt's neck. "Well not anal anyway…"

"My dad doesn't know that," Kurt kissed at Blaine's lips. "My dad thinks that your trouble, that's all I know…" he backed away from Blaine hearing him whine as he put Kurt pants back on. "So I must go…"

"Don't make me sing to make you stay…" Blaine teased licking at Kurt's back.

"As much as I love the way your voice sounds, Blaine, I have to go," he looked over his shoulder to see Blaine moving to lie back on the bed. "Please, try to behave yourself…"

"I wouldn't be mauling you if you didn't wake me up," Blaine kissed at the small of Kurt's back, sending chills up his spine. "Now I'm horny…"

Kurt looked over his shoulder. "Blaine, please act your age…"

"I'm seventeen, I am acting my age," he wrapped his arms around Kurt. "Don't leave me…"

"I have to…" Kurt buttoned his pants and reached for his shirt. "I can't get dressed if you keep your arms around me, Blaine Anderson…"

"Precisely why I'm doing it," his voice was borderline sing song.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Blaine Anderson, I am going to count to three and if you don't let go of me…"

"What are you going to do when we get to three?" Blaine tightened his arms around his lover's ribcage. "Spank me?"

"One…" Kurt breathed, Blaine didn't budge. "Two…" still Blaine, like a child, didn't move. "Two and a half…" Blaine kissed at Kurt's back, his hands lowering to his lover's pants. "Three…"

Kurt tried to peel his boyfriend's hands off, hearing Blaine chuckle loudly as he was pinned to the bed. It had been a long time since Kurt had really heard Blaine laugh like this. The past few weeks, there wasn't anything that really made him break into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, but here it was.

"You think this is funny, do you?" Kurt asked before kissing at Blaine's lips.

Blaine nodded. "I do…"

Blaine looked so beautiful right now. His hair was messed up, his body glistening with a thin layer of sweat, bites and marks along his chest and shoulders. Kurt could see the evidence of their passion all over his lover's body and it made him crave him even more. Just for a few more hours he wanted to be in bed with Blaine, kissing every inch of his body, the taste of his sweat on his tongue. Silently he cursed the two hours that were between them and untangled himself from Blaine.

"I have to go," Kurt breathed putting his shirt on. "I want to stay…"

"I know you do," Blaine answered, kissing at the back of his head. "I'll see you later, Kurt…"

Kurt moved to put his vest on, buttoning it as he felt Blaine go back to the bed and lay down, covering himself with the moist sheets. He looked over his shoulder as Blaine curled up against the pillow, closing his eyes as he struggled to get to sleep. Kurt wanted to take his clothes off and dive into bed with him, hold him until he fell asleep. But looking at the clock, he had already spent almost twenty minutes wrestling with Blaine. He sighed as he stood up, his legs weak from their intimacies. His legs had been through hell the whole day. Whether they were wrapped around Blaine's body and being thrust into, his legs were highly utilized in their passion play. He stumbled toward the door as he looked back at Blaine.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite," Kurt whispered as he made his was out the door. He walked down the hallway and down the stairs.

Blaine was unraveling, he was slowly falling apart, and the two hours between them was only going to make Kurt worry. This was one last attempt to feel Blaine so close to him, still taste him in his mouth, feel him against his skin, and hear the echoes of his breathing in his ears. But in the end he still had to leave. His father was going to be pissed when he got home, but Kurt didn't care.

OOOOO

By the time that he finally made it back to Lima, it was close to two in the morning. He had kissed Blaine goodbye and got to his car and drove like mad. He knew that he was in trouble, and although he didn't want to leave his boyfriend, he knew that his father would kill him if he didn't. His legs were still sore as he walked to the front door, pulling out his key to unlock it. Quietly, he walked through the door and started to make his way to the stairs. It was then when he heard a voice call out to him.

"Where have you been?" Kurt looked over to see his father in the kitchen.

Kurt knew that he was fucked. "I was dropping Blaine off. I guess I lost track of time…"

Burt looked into his son's eyes. "It's two in the morning…"

"Is it?" Kurt smiled nervously, praying to a God that he didn't believe in that his father didn't notice the bites along his neck, the way that his legs were shaking with every step. "I'm sorry, I lose track of time…"

His father wasn't letting up. "Were you two alone?"

Kurt shook his head. "No…"

"Really?" Burt was staring at Kurt as if looking into his very soul. "So if I called Blaine's house right now, one of his parents would pick up?" he stood up and made his way to the phone. "What's his number?"

Kurt swallowed hard as he knew that this was the moment where he was _really _fucked. "Wait," Burt turned to his son. "We were alone…" he swallowed again. "It was just me and Blaine… no one else."

"You were alone for almost twelve hours?" Burt moved back to the kitchen table. "What were you doing?"

Kurt shook his head, all of the guilt written all over his face. He knew that his father was aware that something went on. He knew what his father was thinking. Still he was too embarrassed to say anything. "Don't make me say it, dad…" he closed his eyes as the warmth of tears in his eyes. "Please don't make me say it…"

Kurt could see the disappointment in his father's face. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to," he took a deep breath, Kurt knew that he was just concerned. "But I'm going to ask anyway: did you have sex with him?"

That question hit Kurt right in the chest. He knew that he didn't have sex with him. Well not anal, anyway. But there was a lot of physicality that went into their day. Kurt had felt every inch of Blaine's body and Blaine had felt every inch of his. As he looked at his father, he couldn't tell him how intimate he had been with Blaine. He couldn't have his father feel like his little boy was growing up too fast. He took a deep breath as he moved to sit at the table.

"No," he answered, taking a deep breath. "Technically, we didn't have sex…"

"_Technically_?" Burt looked into his son's eyes, surprised by what Kurt was implying. "Exactly, how far have you two gone?"

Kurt closed his eyes as he shook his head. "We…" he looked at his father who was awaiting the answer. "Are you sure you want to hear this?"

"Only if you want to tell me," Burt answered, moving a box of tissues toward his son, noticing the tears starting to form in his eyes. "If you don't, that's okay. We can talk about this when you're ready…"

Kurt looked at the tissue box. "We've done everything but actual sex. But today," Kurt couldn't believe he was talking to his father about this. "We almost had sex… and we weren't going to use a condom…" he looked up at his father, seeing his eyebrows rise in shock. "I'm so sorry, dad… I'm so sorry…" he shook his head. "Don't blame, Blaine. He hasn't pressured me to do _anything_… he's a gentleman… everything that we've done… I said it was okay… I told him he could do it…"

He didn't want to look at his father's face. He had warned him about this moment. Everyone could tell that Blaine was more sexually experienced from the way that he carried himself, with how confident he was in his own skin. It was only a matter of time before Blaine lost control and gave into his urges. He didn't want to see the "I told you so" look on his father's face. The last thing that he wanted was his father to think that he was going too fast.

Burt could only ask one question. "Do you love him? I mean _really _love him?"

Kurt nodded. "Of course," he shook his head. "I didn't want to leave him tonight. I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to stay because just one moment wrapped in his arms makes all of the pains of living go away. To know that there is a single person out there who cares for me… it makes me so scared. I'm scared of Blaine, so damn scared of how much I matter to him, scared of what will happen if we ever lose each other," he grabbed one of the tissues as his voice broke. "I can see myself marrying him one day…" he wiped the tears from his eyes. "And I know you don't approve… but one day I intend on actually making love to him… properly making love to him. I love him, dad… I wouldn't want to have sex with him if I didn't…"

Kurt was shocked at how smooth this was going. Ever since the first time that he and Blaine had taken his clothes off in front of each other, he was dreading the day when he'd have the conversation of what he had been doing with his father. But with every kiss, every touch, he knew that this moment was bound to come. Before getting in his car, he wished that he could have stayed with Blaine tonight to put this conversation off a little longer

"I know that you're going to have sex, Kurt. I was a teenager once and I know what happens. I just want you to be a hundred percent sure that you're ready before you do it." Kurt looked up at his father, he wasn't disgusted or disappointed. He just wanted to help him. "Kurt, I don't want to regret losing your virginity. Once you lose it, it's gone, you're not going to get it back," Burt took a deep breath. "I want you to be sure that Blaine is the person that you want to open up to. I don't want you to have any regrets."

Kurt nodded as he wiped the tears from his eyes as he crumpled up the tissue and put it on the table, pulling another one from the box. "You're not angry?"

"Why would I be angry?" Burt moved to grab at his son's hand on the table. "Your hands are freezing… are you okay?"

Kurt knew that the signs of his inner struggle were coming to the surface. The other day when he took a shower, more hair than usual had fallen out. His skin was cold, as his hands were shaking. He knew that this body wanted to feel normal again: it wanted to eat, it wanted to relax— he wanted to be how it was before senior year. He closed his eyes as he took a deep breath.

"It's raining out," he shook his head with a smile, trying to cover up that he had stopped eating weeks ago. "I guess I'm just cold." Kurt ignored the concern in his father's eyes. "You're not mad that I've been… _inappropriate_ with Blaine?"

Burt held his son's cold, trembling hand tighter. "No, I'm not angry. I just want you to be happy… I want you to make the right decision."

As his father stood up and walked out of the kitchen, he placed a firm hand on Kurt's shoulder. "Don't stay up much later, you have to go to school tomorrow…"

Kurt nodded as he watched his father leave the room. He was so tired. He was so hungry. The tears kept rolling down his face as he tried to swallow the pain, his whole body aching. He took a deep breath as he leaned up against the table, closing his eyes as he drifted into a state of unconsciousness.

OOOOO

Blaine was awaken by a hand on his shoulder, his body shuddering as he looked over to see who it was. As he looked into the eyes of the person who had made their way into his room, he sat up, keeping the sheets close to his naked body.

"Dad?" Blaine's voice was low as he tried to wake up, his body sore. "What are you doing here?"

Mr. Anderson, Blaine's father. He looked into his father's eyes, his whole body shaking as his father's hand was still on his shoulder. The last person that he expected to see in the middle of the night was his father. There were several nights when his father didn't even come home, nights where he was completely by himself with only his thoughts and tears to accompany him. He took a deep breath, trying to smell the scent of alcohol. There was none. His father was sober.

"You're home," Mr. Anderson looked his son in the eyes, his voice a low whisper. "I was so worried about you, Blaine… I was so afraid that something happened to you."

_Not worried enough to call the cops. You sent Harvey to do your dirty work. _Blaine closed his eyes as he tightened moved to cover his chest with the sheet, wiping some of the sweat off of his body. His father moved his hand away from his shoulder to look toward the light in the hallway. Adrenaline raced through Blaine's body as his breath caught in his throat. Could he tell that Kurt had been in his house? Could he tell that Blaine had been drinking and smoking in the house? Most importantly: could he tell that Blaine had cut himself on his hand?

"You're soaked, and you're burning up," his father looked at the sweat that was on his hand. "Did you have a bad dream?"

Blaine swallowed hard as he looked down at the sheets. He couldn't tell him why he really sweating. He couldn't tell his father that he had almost lost his virginity to his boyfriend. He couldn't tell him of any of the intimacies that he had experienced with Kurt. However, he wasn't able to get back to sleep since Kurt left.

He closed his eyes as he inhaled sharply. "Kind of…"

"What was it about?" his father was really trying to make a connection with his son, trying to sympathize with any insecurities his son had. "Are you having trouble sleeping tonight?"

Blaine nodded silently. He was. Sleep didn't come easily to him these days, most of the time he would toss and turn all night just waiting for his mind to switch off and let him relax. The chemicals in his brain we constantly in flux, constantly making him feel restless. He felt his father's hand on his shoulder again, gently stroking at it before he placed a kiss on his son's forehead.

"Do you want some water?" his father was _really _trying.

"I just need my brain to shut up," Blaine answered, running a hand along the side of his head. "I think that's what's causing the nightmares…"

Mr. Anderson looked toward the hallway again. "Have you been taking your pills?"

His heart stopped. The truth was he hadn't taken a pill since his breakdown at Dalton. That was almost a week ago. He wanted to tell him the truth. Damn did he want to tell him the truth. He couldn't. He couldn't lose how his father looked at him. He couldn't go down that road again. Blaine knew that the last thing that he wanted was to be looked at like a nut job again. The lying had started.

"Yeah," Blaine's hands were shaking against the sheets. "I've been taking them…" he swallowed hard as he knew that the lying had to stop. "But I think I should get checked out again… to see if they're still working…"

He knew that was going to start a fight, he closed his eyes as he awaited the screaming match. "Okay," his father was way too calm about this. "Are you feeling any pain from the pills? Any problems? Any episodes?"

Blaine shook his head, lying again. "No…" he looked toward the window, seeing the water from the rain collide against the glass, the sound sending a tingling sensation through his body. "I just… I just want to be perfect… for you…"

Mr. Anderson placed a hand on Blaine's shoulder again, Blaine closing his eyes as he relished in the emotional intimacy that he knew that they hadn't experienced in a while. "I have no worries about you being perfect, Blaine. You're going to sort everything out in the end…"

Blaine fell back to the bed, snuggling into the pillows. "I love you, dad…"

Mr. Anderson nodded as he made his way out of the room. He didn't say that he loved his son. Tears filled Blaine's eyes as he realized that his father didn't really love him. He was just a mentally crippled faggot, he didn't matter to him. He wrapped the sheet tighter around his naked body as his whole body shook, breath not coming easy to him as his heart pounded— it was going to be another long night.

* * *

><p>This chapter was supposed to show the relationships that the two boys have with their fathers and how different they are. This also was the first appearance of Blaine's father (he will have a bigger role as time goes on as will Burt.)<p>

The next chapter will cover Blaine's first day back at Dalton.

Feel free to leave feedback.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, some talk of sexuality, and psychological issues (self-mutilation and bulimia). Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't completely (some parts do) adhere to the season three canon. There are also most likely errors that I missed, but I think we all just know that's going to happen.

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

* * *

><p>Blaine didn't know what possessed him to come back. After days at Kurt's, he thought for sure that he would just drop off of the face of the Earth and rot in Lima. He couldn't do it anymore. When he returned home, his father acted like he had never left. After the moment that they had in Blaine's bedroom they continued to ignore each other. Although they talked about it, he couldn't tell his father about everything that he had been through. He couldn't even tell him that he was being harassed again. Would he even care? He barely paid attention two years ago when it first started becoming serious, what made Blaine think that he was going to start caring now?<p>

Walking through Dalton Academy was the same as it was at home, if not worse. No one made eye contact with him. No one paid him any attention. They all just walked by, afraid that they were going to set him off again. The first few classes of the day were painful as he could hear the whispers and feel their eyes on him. It was all over. Life would be different from here on out.

As he walked down the hall, he looked at his feet. His stomach was tying into knots as he knew that every single person knew what was going on with him. Even if they didn't hear it or witness it, they were told by someone who did. He wasn't the golden boy anymore. He wasn't even Blaine Anderson. He was Razor Blaine, the psychopath who would have aggressive nervous breakdowns in school.

Just as he felt the tears start to form in his eyes, he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Good to see you again, Anderson…"

"Aren't you afraid I'll crack again, Jeff?" Blaine asked his voice shaking.

Jeff shook his head as he walked in front of his friend. "I talked to Wes again."

"Why?" Blaine asked. "Did you tell him more details about my mood swings?"

"He called _me_, Blaine," Jeff shook his head as he took a deep breath. "I had to convince him not to get on an airplane. He's worried about you; he asked me questions about your breakdown. He thought you wanted to kill yourself. Is that true? Do you want to kill yourself?" he pressed his hands onto Blaine's shoulders. "Blaine… tell me what's going on. You've been distant lately."

"There's nothing to tell," Blaine brushed him off as he started to walk away.

Jeff grabbed his arm, violently pulling him back. "That's bullshit! If you're really as fine as you say you are, then tell me what happened in the bathroom? Tell me why I found you with a cut on the back of your hand! Tell me why you disappear for days and I don't hear anything from you and had to find you by chance at your father's house? Are you trying to throw your life away?" His voice was venomous as he pulled Blaine closer. "Blaine, I swear to God that if you kill yourself I will never forgive you. I have been your friend for two whole years and you didn't think to tell me what's wrong with you? Why would you hide this from me?"

Blaine shook his head as he felt tears form in his eyes. "I wanted you to think I'm perfect, Jeff. I didn't want you to see my weakness."

Jeff closed his eyes as he bit at his lip. "You would hide your pain just so I think that you're perfect? Blaine, for two years, you told me everything that was going through your mind. We've been through so much. Other than Wes, there was no one at Dalton that you told more. You have to understand that it hurts that you couldn't tell me that you were hurting," Blaine closed his eyes as he tried to fight the tears, Jeff's hands gently massaging his shoulders. "I know you, Blaine Anderson. You don't think I do because you guard yourself, but I know you. I know that you try to be happy for everyone's sake, but it doesn't have to be that way."

Blaine felt the warmth run down his face as the first tear escaped. "Jeff… I…"

"Come here," Jeff wrapped his arms around his friend, Blaine's face buried in his shoulder, Blaine let out a deep breath as he heard Jeff's pulse, felt the gentle rhythm of his breathing. "It's okay, Blaine. I'm still here. I'm still here. Everything's going to be okay," Blaine took a deep breath as Jeff's hand ran down his back, the first sob passing his lips, Jeff's embrace milking the sadness out of him. "Everything's going to be okay. I'm not going anywhere… I'm right here…"

Everyone passed them by, not a single person stopping to see what was going on. It was like they were invisible. As Blaine cried in Jeff's arms he felt it all start to seep out: the pain, the self torture, the hate, and the loss. Jeff held him tighter, pulling him closer as he continued to run his hand down Blaine's back. For years, Blaine was the one helping everyone else, but right now it felt good to be the one who was being helped, the one who was being helped, to be the one who needed someone to lean on.

"I love you, Blaine, I love you so damn much," Jeff breathed, his voice shaking with a plethora of emotion. "Not in a gay way, but I love you…"

"It would be okay if you loved me in a gay way," Blaine smiled with a small laugh. "I wouldn't mind…"

Jeff rocked Blaine's body side to side. "You're really nice to hug, do you know that?"

"I've been told," Blaine moved to look Jeff in the eyes. "Thank you, Jeff."

Jeff nodded. "I'm here for you, Blaine. If you get scared or sad, even if you just need a hug, no matter where you are I'll come there and help you."

Blaine felt another tear fall. "Thank you…" he moved to wipe it away. "I have to get to class…"

"Blaine, don't push yourself," Jeff shook his head as he looked into Blaine's eyes. "If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Are you ready to go back to class again?"

"I have to eventually…" Blaine sighed as he walked down the hallway. "I have to stop running away from the truth if I want to stay here…"

Jeff followed him. "Blaine, please don't push yourself. You look pale already, your hands are shaking. I don't want you to do this for anyone else but yourself," he grabbed at Blaine's wrist. "Please, I want to know that you're going to be okay…"

"I didn't get much sleep last night. I was tossing and turning all night fighting with my mind to let me sleep," Blaine could feel his hand shaking in Jeff's grasp as his friend's hand loosened its grip. "I'm just so tired… so freaking tired Jeffrey…"

As the first tear fell down Blaine's cheek, Jeff moved to wipe it away. "No crying," he shook his head as tears continued to fall from Blaine's eyes. "No crying…"

Blaine shook his head as he let out the first sob. "I…" he closed his eyes tightly, his breathing ragged as his throat started to burn. "I'm so tired…" he shook his head. "I don't want to be here right now… I-I… I-I…"

Jeff looked around as people stopped to stare. "Don't you all have somewhere to be? Don't you have anything better to do?" he moved away from Blaine. "Do you want more expulsions? Because if you don't want to be the next one out of here I suggest that you get to your damn class!"

"Jeff," Blaine moved to his friend, touching his shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. "It's okay…"

"No it's not," Jeff shook his head, the anger still thick in his voice. "It's people like this who made you feel this way: ashamed of yourself, like your nothing. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're perfect just the way you are," he looked over at Blaine, his eyes watering with tears of anger. "You have one year left, one more year in Ohio Hell and then you'll be free. The last thing that we need to have these bastards cut you down because of something you can't help. It pisses me off!"

Blaine closed his eyes as he walked down the hall. He knew that this was going to be difficult. The first day back after one of his breakdowns was always the most difficult. Swallowing the sadness, he walked to his next class, his eyes on his shoes as he knew that he could get through this. He had to.

OOOOO

Kurt closed his locker, the sound sending chills down his spine. His head was pounding. The pain in his stomach was gone, but it seemed to have travelled up to his head, his skull feeling like it was full of liquid that swirled with every movement. Even breathing was painful. In the first few periods, he was barely able to focus, the empty pages in his notebooks was a clear indication of that. The test he took in second period was left blank as he honestly could not remember a single thing that he learned.

He started to walk down the hall, before he stopped, trying to catch his breath. He knew it had something to do with him not eating anything. For weeks he had fooled his body into thinking this was normal, but he had finally reached a point where his body had finally had enough. He could barely stand, he could barely focus. He knew that he was on the verge of passing out.

He just had to make it to his next class, he had to sit down. It would all get better once he sat down. Slowly, he started walking toward his next class, but he was cut off.

"Hey," Finn really needed to get out of his way. "Are you okay? Rachel told me that you've been zoning out."

"I'm just tired, Finn," Kurt answered, his words slurring together.

"Tired? I think that's a bit of an understatement, don't you think?" Finn really needed to move. "You came home at two in the morning and I found you passed out on the kitchen table," Finn caught Kurt as he stumbled forward, almost falling to the ground. "Are you drunk?"

Kurt shook his head, his whole body burning as he did, his vision starting to cloud as his ears filled with nothing but white noise. "No, I'm not drunk. I'm fine…"

He moved to walk around Finn before he felt himself collapse to the ground, his vision clouding for a split second. "Oh my God!" Finn rushed to his side, trying to help him off of the ground. "Kurt, are you okay? Come on, I'll get you to the nurse…"

Kurt shook his head. "I slipped."

"Slipped my ass, you almost fainted," Finn struggled to help Kurt to his feet. "I'm taking you to the nurse."

Kurt fell down again, taking Finn with him, his vision blacking out for a few seconds. The harsh reality was starting to come to light. He had lost six pounds, but was it worth passing out in the middle of the hallway. He was slipping in and out of focus as he heard Finn continue to talk to him. He couldn't focus on the words as he slowly fell into a state of semi-consciousness. It was going to be difficult to lie about this.

OOOOO

Warbler practice was the worst part of the day. He closed his eyes tightly as he sat on the couch in the corner as far away from everyone else as humanly possible. The amount of Warblers had gone down since he ran out of the room and never looked back. None of them looked at him as he continued to sit in the corner, his hands shaking as he felt the urge to let some of the tension out. They were all talking, laughing, and having a good time with one another. He didn't belong here anymore.

Jeff was the only one who looked over at him as they continued to talk, preparing their set list for Sectionals. Usually Blaine would have been involved, but today all he could think about was when he was going to wake up from this nightmare and find himself in his bed with Kurt still in his arms. He sat up against the couch as he noticed that periodically they would stare back at him.

"Guys," Jeff broke Blaine out of his haze. "Lay off Blaine… it's not his fault."

"Not his fault?" Blaine could hear them talking. "We've lost some of our strongest singers because of him."

"We don't stand a chance in Hell at winning Sectionals."

"I think we should withdraw."

"I will have order!" Jeff pounded the gavel.

"Easy for you to say when you're Razor Blaine's friend…"

Blaine looked around the room as everyone was turning to look at him, their whispering filling his ears. All he could hear were those words: _Razor Blaine_. He knew this was going to end in expulsion. No one respected him anymore, not if they were going use the term _Razor Blaine_ so freely. Dalton was the place that he went to get away from everything, to get away from the sadness, get away from _Razor Blaine_. He closed his eyes as he made his way down the hall toward the door, his step speeding up as he started to run, Jeff chasing after him. He could hear Jeff calling to him, but he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop running. As he sprinted out of the front doors, he fell to his knees, trying to catch his breath.

"Blaine!" Jeff was out of the door. "What's wrong?"

"I can't do their whispering…" he shook his head.

Jeff was trying his hardest to console his friend. "Blaine, if you run you're letting them…"

"Letting them what? _Win_? Newsflash, Jeff, they've won! They've fucking won!" Blaine could feel his throat tighten as his voice became shrill, his whole body shaking as anxiety took over. "They've won and I've lost… _again_. I always lose! No matter where I go, no one is going to understand how in pain I am. I'm a joke to them!" his voice calmed down as he struggled for breath. "I'm tired! I'm so fucking tired!" he shook his head. "I don't want to do this anymore… I-I…" he shook his head. "When am I going to feel happy again?"

"Come here," Jeff moved to help Blaine off of the floor. "Do you want to go somewhere?"

"A nuthouse? Can we go to a nuthouse where they can lock me up?" Blaine whole body was shaking as he looked into Jeff's eyes. "Every time I go in there… I just see all of the people who I've disappointed, all of the people who look at me like garbage," he shook his head. "I'm done being sad. In case you can't tell I don't do sadness very well…"

Then Jeff said something that Blaine never thought he'd say. "Then let's bail," Blaine's heart stopped as he heard those words, Jeff never skipped school. "Yeah, let's bail. We can go get some frozen yogurt or some buffalo wings... you hungry?"

Blaine nodded. "I'm always hungry…"

"Okay," he wrapped his arm around Blaine tightly. "Let's go get something to eat…"

Blaine walked forward on shaky legs as he tried to catch his breath. He was rushing himself to do too much too fast. He had to get out of here. His father was going to kill him as soon as he heard that he walked out on yet another day of school. He didn't care. As him and Jeff ran away from the front door of Dalton Academy to Blaine's black Prius, he knew that he no longer cared about his father or even about Dalton Academy. He was starting to realize that being perfect was overrated and there were times where he had to unwind and do things that made no sense.

"My father is going to skin me alive!" Blaine laughed as he opened the door to the car.

"And once your father tells my father what happened, I'm going to be skinned too, but it will be so worth it," Jeff jumped into the car. "Where to?"

"How about I just start driving and we figure the rest out later?" Blaine asked as he buckled his seatbelt.

"What happened to depressed Blaine?" Jeff asked, buckling his own seatbelt. "Why are we being so dangerous?"

Blaine took a deep breath. "Because for the first time in days, I just want to feel alive…"

As he drove out of the parking lot he realized that it was time to start living his life the way that he wanted to. Other than Jeff, there weren't that many people at Dalton who were going to be sympathetic to him after he had a breakdown. Even Nick seemed to coddle him. The whole drive from Dalton to Kurt's house was horrifying, Nick wouldn't stop trying to convince him that he was going to be okay, what would he do if Blaine repeated the incident that he had years ago?

He continued to drive as Jeff looked out the window, smiling as they made their escape. Things were about to change for Blaine Anderson.

OOOOO

Kurt was sitting in the nurse's office, Finn standing by his side. He couldn't look at his step-brother. Finn was dumb; Kurt thanked some higher power for that. This was going to be a lot easier to explain to him than he thought that it would be. Still, they were silent, Kurt's eyes on the floor as he struggled to breathe, his body begging to be fed as his stomach rumbled.

"Dude, you're hungry…" Finn moved to sit next to Kurt. "Maybe you should eat something…"

Kurt shook his head. "I'm not hungry…"

"Then I think you need to go see a doctor because your stomach is making hungry noises," Finn wasn't letting up, for once Kurt wished that his stomach wasn't screaming to be fed. "You skipped breakfast and that's not like you…"

"I'm fine," Kurt shook his head.

"You're blood pressure is low and you passed out. You're pale, you're irritable, what's going on with you?" Finn was going to catch on, he already pieced together all of the symptoms. "Are you eating? Have you stopped eating?"

Kurt knew he was caught. His chest felt heavy as he knew that everyone was going to find out. If word of this got back to Blaine it would kill him. Everything that they had would just disappear. Blaine would go and find someone who was more accommodating and less shallow. He tried to think of the first thing that he could to shut Finn up.

"I'm nervous," Kurt shook his head as Finn looked over at him. "I haven't been eating because… because…" he had to find anything to shut him up. "I'm so nervous about me and Blaine… Blaine doesn't want to have sex with me… but I do…" he knew that talking about homosexual sex would shut Finn up. "I'm just trying to distract myself from jumping into bed with him…"

Finn stopped talking, talking about homosexuality always seemed to shut him up, this time was no different. "Okay, but I'm going to keep in touch with Rachel and see if you're eating during lunch…"

Kurt nodded. The crisis was adverted today. But he knew that if this information ever got back to Blaine it would start yet another fight. Blaine had been on edge lately, his medication was making his nauseous and restless, the mood swings becoming more severe. Before the summer ended, they never fought. They never even raised their voices at each other. Now they were always screaming, always fighting. It would be easy to blame it all on Blaine, but Kurt was being irrationally cruel to him these days. In the old days when they had an argument, it would have been settled with kisses and cuddles, now the kisses and cuddles were so much more intense. Kurt loved the intimacy between the two of them as slowly Blaine had become comfortable enough for them to make love. They were so close, yet Kurt was still building up a wall between him and the love of his life. He was guarded whereas Blaine was telling him everything. He even invited him to his psychiatry appointments if he wanted to go. He was trying to incorporate his disorder into their life, whereas Kurt was hiding his.

Kurt closed his eyes as his stomach growled again. Why was he doing this to himself?

OOOOO

"You know, if you keep getting this depressed chickens are going to go extinct," Jeff looked at the plate of chicken bones as Blaine licked at his fingers. "Don't tell me you're still hungry…"

Blaine ran his tongue along his fingers, licking the sauce off of skin as he looked at Jeff. "When I get agitated, I eat…"

Jeff shook his head. "Why aren't you obese?"

Blaine wiped his saliva soaked fingers onto his napkin before taking a sip of lemonade. He took a deep breath as he placed his hands on the table. "I feel better now…"

Jeff nodded shakily. "It only took two plates of buffalo wings and three lemonades to get you there."

Blaine smiled before he took another sip. "Kurt always takes me here when I get upset. He doesn't care how far he has to drive as long as I feel better in the end," he took a quick sip of lemonade. "I really love him…"

Jeff looked down at the plates of bones. "How can you be sure? I mean have you ever been with a guy before in your life? I thought Kurt was like the first guy you were in a relationship with? How many guys have you been intimate with?"

Blaine almost choked on his gulp of lemonade as he heard him ask that question, his throat burning as he coughed. "What do you mean _intimate_?"

"I don't know what gay guys do… you know… things that gay guys do when they really like someone," Jeff was blushing as he elaborated. "Like blowjobs? Other things that you do?"

Blaine closed his eyes as one person came to his mind. Wes. Wes was the first person that he was ever really physically intimate with. He was the first person that he had ever had "sex" with. In the past he had gotten a blowjob or two from a few friends when he was in his freshman year, but Wes was the first person who ever really had been _intimate_ with Blaine. He even considered having actual sex with him. He couldn't. He couldn't sleep with someone that he knew didn't love him back. He couldn't share something so special with someone that he had not future with. He took another sip of lemonade before he looked up at Jeff.

"I've gotten blowjobs from a few guys, but there was one person before Kurt. One person that I really thought I could be with. He knew about all of this, but it didn't bother him, he still saw how beautiful I was. I almost fell in love with him," Blaine shook his head as the memories of him and Wes came flashing back. "But he wasn't in love with me. Turns out he didn't even like guys that much. He was just a straight guy experimenting with a gay guy," Blaine took another sip of lemonade, Jeff's hand moving to take his. "Technically I guess I could have lost my virginity to him… but we never… you know…" he couldn't say the word. "So I… I'm still a virgin, but I know that I love Kurt Hummel. He's the love of my life. I look at him and I want to get better… for him…"

Jeff shook his head as he moved to wipe away a tear in his eye. "You are so damn romantic… I really hope that this all works out with you and Kurt. After all of the shitty cards that life has dealt you it would be nice to see something go your way for once…"

Blaine smiled as he moved to stir his straw in his drink. "So… what if I left Dalton?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"You know I'm not happy there," Blaine couldn't look Jeff in the eyes. "What if I go to McKinley for a few months just to cool off…" Jeff was shaking his head. "Just until after Sectionals…"

"We compete at Sectionals. What if they beat us?" Jeff was bringing up some good points.

"They won't. Have you heard Finn Hudson sing? I'm not going to get the solos there so you can easily beat them," Blaine smiled as he felt his hands shake. "Please, Jeffrey… I know that this is our last year together… but I have to do this— for me."

Jeff took a deep breath. "Blaine… do what you think is right. We can still see each other on weekends and afterschool," he held onto Blaine's hand. "Take your time and I'll see you back in your uniform in December…"

Blaine smiled as he knew that at this point life was going to be different— it was going to get better.

* * *

><p>This chapter was the last chapter of the exposition, now the real story is going to begin. I've delved into many of the plotlines that will be most important to the story (Blaine's psychological issues, Kurt's eating disorder and rivalry with Rachel, Blaine's family issues, and the fact that Klaine is slowly falling apart.) Other issues that are important may be introduced early in the next chapter.<p>

The next chapter is the inevitable meeting between Kurt and Mr. Anderson as they finally have that dinner mentioned in the first chapter.

Also this took so long because I was without power for five days due to power outages on the East Coast.

Feel free to leave feedback.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is strong language, some talk of sexuality, underage drinking, and psychological issues (self-mutilation and panic disorder). Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't completely (some parts do) adhere to the season three canon (and it will continue to not adhere to the season since I've already strayed completely away from that storyline). There are also most likely errors that I missed, but I think we all just know that's going to happen so I don't even know why I'm warning you.

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

* * *

><p>Kurt wished that Blaine would stop texting him. It was bad enough that he had to go to this dinner, the last thing that he needed was Blaine technologically breathing down his neck. For the past few days he had been vomiting more than usual just to get people to stop thinking that there was something going on. His head was pounding as he felt the sweat pooling against his skin, breath catching in his throat. As much as he had begged Blaine to move it to another day, Blaine had won in the long run. He said it was important. The call that they had shared earlier turned hostile as Blaine kept saying that there was something vital that he was going to announce to him and his father. Kurt just hoped to some higher power that his idiot boyfriend wasn't going to propose.<p>

He looked in the mirror; his outfit was far more subdued than he had hoped. It screamed Blaine, not Kurt. Blaine was simpler than Kurt, whereas Kurt's outfits screamed for attention. There was way too much effort going into this dinner, but Kurt could see the upcoming breakdown in Blaine's eyes these days, until he got more stable, until he got comfortable with the fact that his brain was starting to work in his favor again he had to do whatever it took to be as involved in Blaine's life. If he wanted to make love to him eventually, he was going to have to be a little more sympathetic to his lover's needs.

He walked out of his bedroom as he looked around the empty house. His father and Carole were out for the night and Finn was out with Rachel. This would be a prime night to invite Blaine over and take a nice long, hot bubble bath and talk about their respective days in between deep, sexual kisses. Instead he was about to get into a cab and drive to hours to a house where he almost lost his virginity to the love of his life to meet said love of his life's asshole, homophobic, potentially abusive father. Suddenly, he was wishing he could have that bubble bath.

As he moved to out the door toward the cab, his phone rang. It was Blaine.

"I'm on my way to the cab now," he stopped the call to tell the driver the address. "I'll be there in two hours. I'm not backing out…"

He could hear the sound of Blaine swallowing liquid, most likely alcohol. Kurt knew his boyfriend was panicking. "I can't do this…"

Kurt closed the cab door as he tried to process what his boyfriend had just said. He was definitely drinking alcohol. There was a vicious cycle of bad habits that Blaine would go through when he had an episode. "Are you drinking?"

"I am freaking out. I just threw up like three times, and I know I'm going to do it again. I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I'm drinking to calm my nerves. I'm starting to think this was a really, _really_ horrible idea."

"Well it was…" Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Can you pretend that you actually care about my problems for just a few minutes and stop playing the 'I told you so' game?" he took another loud swallow of alcohol. "I need you to tell me that everything's going to be okay …"

"Okay Blaine. Put down the vodka…"

"It's Courvoisier," Blaine took another quick sip.

"Well put down the cognac then!" Kurt looked out the window as he realized that the last thing that he needed was for Blaine to be drunk at an already awkward dinner. Kurt had seen Blaine drunk on more than one occasion and a flirty, drunken table dance was going to kill any chances that they had as a couple.

"Don't yell at me… I'm having an anxiety attack and you're not helping…"

Kurt lowered his voice. "Are you drunk?"

"Getting there," Blaine's breathing was ragged. "I can't do this sober, Kurt. He's gonna find out that my problems are back and he's going to send me to an institution and if he does that I'm gonna kill myself…"

"Yes you can and no he's not," Kurt sat back in his seat. "You have two hours, take a bath and just relax. You're going to be fine, honey… just keep breathing…" he could hear Blaine's ragged breath through the phone. "What's gotten you so worked up that you can't focus? I've never heard you like this."

"I can't tell you before you get here…"

Kurt giggled as he heard Blaine's breathing start to level out. Blaine was erratic. One second he was happy, the next he was pissed, the next he couldn't breathe, it was like he was dating a woman who was perpetually on their period. He couldn't wait until Monday when he finally got his moody ass to a psychiatrist to get more pills. Kurt loved everything about Blaine, but if he kept acting like this he was going to have a heart attack.

"Feeling better?" Kurt asked.

"What are you wearing?" Blaine was back to his normal self who loved to make small talk, he was desperately trying to calm himself down. "Are you wearing the outfit that I picked out for you or did you change?"

"I'm wearing the outfit you picked out. The boring, lifeless outfit you picked out," he could hear Blaine take a deep breath. "If I hang up are you going to hurt yourself? Or start drinking again?"

"Don't hang up…"

"Being off your meds makes you needy…" Kurt teased with a small giggle, relishing in the sound of Blaine's breathing slowing down, only small hitches of panic sliding into his hearing. "Besides, if we stay on the phone you're still going to be pins and needles when dinner comes."

"Fine, I guess you can hang up. I'll take a bath. Text me when you get close so I can let you in," Blaine's voice was empty, Kurt's body shuddering at the lack of emotion in his lover's tone. "I love you…"

"I love you too," Kurt hung up the phone as he leaned up against the seat, letting out a deep sigh as he knew that this night was going to be hell. Blaine was already panicking. The dinner hadn't even started and Blaine had already found his way into a liquor bottle. He was terrified of what he was going to find when he got there.

OOOOO

Blaine was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. The day had finally come. Today was the day when he was going to kill two birds with one stone and tell both his father and his boyfriend that he was about to make the dumbest decision of his life. He had already talked it over with his uncle who thought that if it made Blaine happy that it should be enough to convince his father. He snuggled deeper into his pillow as he tried to muster the courage that he was going to need for dinner tonight.

He then heard the door open. "Are you okay up here?"

Blaine looked toward the door, his father standing in the doorway. "Dad, what are you doing up here?"

Blood ran cold through Blaine's veins as he watched as his father came closer, closing the door behind him. "I'm concerned. You've nagging me about this dinner for weeks and now you're locked up in your room."

"I'm just tired," Blaine sat up as he inhaled sharply through his nose.

"Are you feeling okay?" his father moved to sit on the bed. "Did you get to sleep last night? Are you still having nightmares?"

Blaine nodded. "Every now and then…"

"Well when you go to the psychiatrist on Monday and get updated on your prescription you'll be good as new," his hand was still on his shoulder as Blaine felt his body shudder. "We'll get through this dinner and I can finally see what you see in this boy…"

"Be nice to him," Blaine knew that this was going to be horrifying for Kurt. When he went to the Sadie Hawkins dance a few years ago his father nearly chased his date away. "I really like him…"

"I know, Blaine, we've talked about this," his father didn't seem fully in love with the fact that his son was sexually attracted to other boys. "But that's not what's got you locked in your room. What's going on with you?"

"Nothing," Blaine shook his head. He couldn't tell his father about all of the troubles that he was having at Dalton. He didn't want drama to start until the dinner had started. "I just need to unwind before having Kurt over here…"

Mr. Anderson nodded as he got off of the bed. "Well, I have to go check on some things. You're mother has been calling me non-stop. I don't know what she wants, but it's just like her to poke her nose into our business."

Blaine prepared for the beginning of a huge war between his parents. He knew he was the cause. Due to recent events, his mother had decided that she wanted to be involved in her son's life. For two years, his parents had been separated leaving Blaine waiting for the day when they divorced. With only a few months left before he got the hell out of Ohio and leave all of the drama behind him.

"I don't want her too close to you, Blaine," his father couldn't even pretend to be cordial with his estranged wife. "That woman is trouble. She doesn't know how to handle your… _delicate condition_…"

Hearing his father call his mental problems a "delicate condition" slowly broke away at Blaine's heart, how could he be so insensitive. No one really knew how to deal with the fact that Blaine wasn't like normal people, but his father refused to label it. Blaine knew that part of the reason that he was misdiagnosed was because his father was scared of how severe his son's condition really was.

"She's too busy to do anything to really affect me," Blaine answered, his voice low. "I mean even if she still lived here, she's too busy to keep an eye on me…"

"She hasn't been a mother to you your whole life, Blaine. The only thing that she's ever done was save your life," Mr. Anderson shook his head. "You've been so healthy so long. If she comes back it's all going to be thrown away…"

Blaine took a deep breath. "Can we not talk about this? I need to get ready for dinner and you're depressing me…"

The room went silent as Mr. Anderson's eyes fell onto Blaine's hands. The whole time, it had escaped him that his whole body was shaking, his breathing caught in his throat. The signs of his panic disorder were coming to light. He was slowly struggling to keep his composure. He looked into his father's eyes as they met in a deep gaze; he knew that he was caught. Shuddering as he felt his father touch his hands, he swallowed the panic as he continued to tremble, his father tightening his grip on his hands.

"You're shaking, Blaine," his voice was as close to sympathy that he was going to get. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Blaine nodded. His father then got up to walk out of the room, turning as if he wanted to say something. The words were there, Blaine could feel them, but he couldn't say them. His body was filling slowly with anxiety, his whole body shaking as he heard the door close. It had been years since he heard those three words out of his father's mouth. It was before his breakdown. He took his skin to his lips as he bit at his knuckles, desperately trying to let some of the tension out.

Rolling out of bed, he grabbed the bottle of Courvoisier and made his way to the bathroom. As he drank from the bottle, he turned the water on as hot as he could stand it. With every gulp, he felt his head pounding. His body wanted his medication. It was having a tantrum. He was going to be eaten alive until he got the pills. As he finished the bottle a rush of calmness ran through his body, his fingers dipping into the hot water that was filling the bathtub. His head was spinning— too much liquor to fast, too much heat, too much panic, too much everything. He fell to the floor as the bottle fell, not shattering into pieces. Tears came to his eyes; he couldn't control it as his body was shaking. It figured that his body would decide to have an attack now.

He could feel the liquor rise in his throat, his body moving to the toilet as he vomited again, his whole body shaking. He was fighting to keep it together. The attacks were coming closer these days. As his stomach emptied, he slumped onto the ground as he watched the steam rise from the tub that was filling with water, his whole body shaking from the smell of Courvoisier, vomit, and shame. Slowly he tried to compose himself. He had to get through this.

His vision was clouding, his ears filling with the sound of water filling the bathtub, his whole body shaking as he curled up to the floor. Then everything went dark.

OOOOO

Kurt walked to the front door. After a long car ride all he could think about was what trouble Blaine had gotten himself into. The last call that they shared had left a bad taste in Kurt's mouth. Already Blaine had hit the bottle. He wouldn't be surprised if he came in and Blaine was a complete drunk mess. He rang the doorbell as he waited for Blaine to answer. He prayed to some higher power that Blaine was decent enough to get through this dinner that Kurt had dreaded for weeks.

The door opened to reveal Blaine who was leaning against the doorframe. "Hey," he licked at his lips. "You made it…"

Kurt recognized the aroma that was laced in Blaine's breath. "Are you drunk?"

"I told you I couldn't do this sober," Kurt shook his head at his boyfriend's response, a small grin on Blaine's face. "I'm only tipsy… I don't know what the big deal is. It's not like I'm shit faced right now," he stumbled as he took a step closer, a small chuckle passing his lips. "Damn shoes…"

"You said you would behave," Kurt moved to catch Blaine as he stumbled again, only giggles passing his inebriated boyfriend's lips as Kurt helped him to stand back up. "You can't even walk straight…"

"_Relax_…" Blaine soothed as he looked into Kurt's eyes. "I'm not _that_ drunk… all of my clothes are on so I don't know why you have your panties in a twist."

"I have my panties in a twist because your father is going to notice that you've drinking," Kurt pressed his hands against Blaine's cheeks— his body temperature seemed to be through the roof. He knew that this wasn't just alcohol. "You're burning up…"

"No, your hands are just cold," he pushed Kurt off of him before looking back at the door. "Now please don't rile him up. It's not going to be easy for either of you and if you two can behave yourselves, I'll make it worth your while."

Kurt walked through the door to the foyer, looking over his shoulder at Blaine. "Can you wipe that stupid grin off your face? He's going to kill you if you're drunk. Try to act natural and I'll try to act like I'm not in love with a drunken idiot."

"I don't know why you're being so mean to me," Blaine's words were only slightly slurred together, his breathing only slightly ragged. "I threw up most of the cognac… I think the real problem is that I tried taking my pills again…"

Kurt's eyes widened as he realized what his boyfriend had done. "You took pills with alcohol? Blaine, are you trying to kill yourself?"

Blaine shrugged his shoulders as he gagged, holding back the urge to vomit. "That's why I took the pills. I had the mother of all panic attacks. I passed out on the floor for a good thirty minutes. Thank God that I only slightly overfilled the bathtub otherwise I'd be dead. My father would have killed me if I damaged the house that he is using to overcompensate for the fact that his life is a sham."

"Why didn't you call me?" Kurt asked, his hands on Blaine's shoulders watching as his wide pupils looked around the room. His lover's shoulders shook in his grasp, as he took a deep breath. "I could have tried to calm you down over the phone."

Blaine shook his head. "I can't predict when they happen, Kurt. They just do. I've had them happen in so many inconvenient places. I just have to ride them out and hope that I don't hurt myself."

Kurt knew what he was getting at, his eyes looking at Blaine's arms. "Did you…?"

Blaine should his head almost immediately. "Not this time…" his hands were still shaking. "The Courvoisier helped a little bit."

Before they could play catch up, Kurt heard footsteps enter the foyer. He looked away from Blaine and saw the man standing at the bottom of the staircase. It was Blaine's father. This was the monster that had torn his boyfriend to shred over the summer, the one who made the whole mess start. Kurt started at him with cold eyes as he walked closer, Blaine's eyes falling to the ground as he swallowed on another mouthful of vomit.

"You must be Kurt," he extended his hand to shake Kurt's.

Kurt nodded as he shook his head. "Pleasure…"

Blaine shook his head as he nudged at his boyfriend. "Behave…"

"Blaine has told me so much about you," Mr. Anderson looked up and down Kurt's body as if memorizing what he looked like. "He's been begging me to meet you…"

Kurt opened his mouth to say something before he saw Blaine shake his head. "It's an honor to finally meet you. Your son is an absolute gentleman, it's nice to see where he came from," he looked at Blaine who was now pale, the liquor and the pills not mixing so well. "Are you okay?"

Blaine nodded as he looked over at his father who was still fixated on Kurt.

"Blaine tells me that you met at Dalton," Mr. Anderson's cold glare was still on Kurt, driving holes through him. "What brought you to that school?"

Kurt didn't want to lie. "I was being harassed at my other school," he looked over at Blaine who was on the verge of vomiting. "I had already met Blaine earlier when we ran into each other while getting coffee. He was the one who told me about the place."

Mr. Anderson's eyes moved to Blaine. "Well Blaine does make a habit of being a little too friendly."

Kurt watched as Blaine was on the verge of passing out, the dangerous combination of anxiety pills and alcohol starting to take effect. He was struggling to keep standing as the sweat started to form on his forehead, his breathing ragged as water was welling up in his eyes. Either his father was a complete idiot or he was completely oblivious to the fact that his son was going to keel over at any minute and start seizing. Kurt moved closer to take Blaine's hand, expecting him to pull away. He didn't. Instead he tightened the grip, lacing his fingers with Kurt's, his sweaty flesh warm against cold skin.

"Can we sit down?" Blaine asked, his voice shaking slightly. "I'm starting to feel a little woozy…"

"If you need to lie down tell me," Mr. Anderson had a forced smile on his face. Kurt had the sudden urge to punch this man in the face.

"Do you want to go to the couch or is dinner ready?" Kurt looked into Blaine's watering eyes as he moved closer, watching as the muscles in his arms tightened and relaxed. He was starting to fall apart. "Are you okay, honey?"

Blaine nodded. "My heart's just beating really fast…"

"Like panic attack fast or nerves fast?" Kurt's voice was still low as he held onto Blaine's hand tighter. He pressed his hands to Blaine's chest, feeling the irregular speed and ferocity in his heart rate, looking into his boyfriend's eyes, watching as his pupils expanded and dilated. "Or does it have to do with what you've been shoving down your throat? Seeing as I know what you've been swallowing I know that could be a factor."

"I mix my meds with alcohol all the time, it's never caused anything this severe, usually just vomiting," Kurt rolled his eyes as he heard that comment, Mr. Anderson not paying attention to their conversation. It had only been a few minutes and already Kurt knew he would never get along with this man. "I think it's happening again. I told you they're getting closer together. I can't breathe…" breath caught in his throat, one of his hands moving to his neck. Fear filled Kurt's body as his own hands started to shake. It was happening. Blaine was having a panic attack. "Kurt… I can't breathe…"

"We're not even doing anything… what caused this?" Kurt's voice was still low as Mr. Anderson was pulled out his stupor by the sound of his son's raspy wheezing, taking a small step closer to the couple. "Stop doing that… I don't know what to do… just keep breathing. Keep breathing, baby…"

"Blaine?" _Now_ the asshole cared, after his son nearly passed out. "What's happening? Are you okay?"

Blaine nodded. "Yeah…" he wheezed as before swallowing hard on yet another mouthful of vomit, gagging at the taste. "I'm f-fine…" he closed his eyes, the muscles in his neck convulsing as he gagged yet again. "I just need to sit down…"

"It's okay," Kurt breathed, wrapping Blaine's arm around his shoulders, gently holding his hand. "I'll help you…"

Just when Kurt thought that this dinner couldn't get any worse, now his boyfriend was on the verge of having one of the most severe panic attacks of his life. He was scared for what else the night had in store. As Blaine shook in his grasp, he knew that this was going to be a night to remember.

OOOOO

When they sat down at the table, Blaine had started to compulsively drink water. In the first thirty minutes of utter silence, he had downed five glasses and was filling his sixth as he held Kurt's hand under the table, looking over at his father. Words weren't said, there was no conversation except for Kurt and Mr. Anderson taking turns asking if Blaine was feeling better. Kurt knew that he wasn't. His skin had become pale, his hands continuing to shake. On average, Blaine said that his panic attacks lasted for fifteen to twenty minutes, this one seemed ungodly long. He had never witnessed one of his famous panic attacks, only little hiccups, but if it was enough to make Jeff and Nick believe that he needed to go to the hospital, Kurt knew it was horrifying.

Blaine continued to gulp down water, his hand shaking up against Kurt's as he finished yet another glass.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Kurt asked looking at his trembling boyfriend, getting lost in the sound his breathing: it was strained and painful. If Blaine didn't find a way to calm himself down, he was going to pass out.

"If you breathe through your nose, you'll feel better," his father was almost insensitive, dismissing the fact that his son was having an anxiety attack like it happened every day. "Remember what the therapists told you. If you keep breathing, it'll pass… if you lose track of your breathing you'll pass out…" he took a quick sip of wine. "You haven't been drinking, have you?"

Blaine shook his head. "Of course not…" the drunken slurs were gone, replaced with a raspy quality. "I was just overdue for a panic attack…"

Kurt looked over at Blaine's father. "Are you just going to let him keep wheezing like that?" he felt Blaine nudge hard him in the ribcage. "Ow!"

Mr. Anderson looked straight into Kurt's eyes. "I think I have a little more experience on how to handle my son than you do…"

"Well I may not have experience, but when someone is having a panic attack you usually acknowledge them and, I don't know, _help them_?" Kurt's attitude was going to be the death of him. He could see Blaine pouring another glass of water, swallowing it nervously as he tried to distract himself from the argument. "Your son is having a severe anxiety attack…"

Mr. Anderson took another sip of wine. "It must be nice only knowing him for half a year, you don't get to see how hard this is for Blaine," Kurt watched as Blaine closed his eyes, his body shaking as his breath caught in his throat. "Tell me; after six more months will you keep being this dramatic whenever he has a panic attack? He has then all the time…"

"Can we talk about anything else?" Blaine's voice was loud as he looked at his father, then his boyfriend. "So Kurt is applying to Juilliard," he looked at his father as if desperately trying to cover up that he was falling apart. "It's super exciting."

Mr. Anderson took another sip of wine— the love of alcohol was obviously hereditary. "How does your father feel about that Kurt?"

Kurt had so much to say to this man. In the short time that he had known him, he lived up to the reputation. Blaine painted him perfectly. He was homophobic, dismissive, condescending, and a drunk. Blaine's hand was tight against his as if begging him not to take the bait. He didn't need a confrontation. He loved Blaine. He loved Blaine enough to play Mr. Anderson's game. He just smiled as he tightened his grip on Blaine's hand.

"He's proud of me," Kurt looked over at Blaine who was still drinking water as if to cool himself off. "I mean, what kind of father wouldn't be happy when all of their child's dreams come true?"

"He's going to be a huge star," Blaine smiled, putting the water down on the table.

"Stop it," Kurt shook his head.

"I'm serious," Blaine wasn't even paying attention to his father.

"Do you think that's practical?" his father finally got to his point. "I mean the chances of making it in the performance arts are… minimal. You strike me as a smart boy, Kurt. Surely, there's something else you want to do."

Kurt seriously wanted to smack this man. "I think I can take care of myself…"

"But what about if you and my son do make it out of high school?" Blaine's eyes fell to the floor as he lost control of the conversation. "Don't you think you should have a more practical job to support him?"

"I thought that's why Blaine was going to the Ivy League colleges?" Kurt's snarky attitude was at its peak. He knew that he wasn't supposed to push Mr. Anderson's buttons, but he didn't know how much more he could take of this abuse. "Don't tell me he's going there just to waste time and money."

"Is it hot in here?" Blaine moved to unbutton his cardigan, his hands shaking as he struggled with the buttons.

"What if something happens to him?" Mr. Anderson was ignoring the fact that his son was practically undressing himself in the dining room. "What are you going to do? If you don't make it big, don't you think that you need to do something to bring home some income, or do you intend to milk his trust fund dry?"

"Okay, I think we've had enough of this," Blaine's voice was low as he pressed his hands against the table. "Let's change the subject…"

"And you think that something is going to happen to Blaine?" Kurt asked, his eyes narrowing.

It was then when the conversation that Blaine was avoiding came to light. "Hasn't Blaine told you about his past? He's sick…"

Blaine choked on his sip of water as he looked over at his father. "Dad, stop it!"

"He is a ticking time bomb and it's only a matter of time before he completely sets off. So it's nice that you live in a land of gumdrops and unicorns and foolish dreams, but my son lives in the harsh reality," Mr. Anderson then made a blow below the belt. "I don't understand why you people can't just be sensible…"

Kurt's heart stopped as he heard those words, Blaine spilling the glass of water onto the table as his jaw hung open in shock. Blaine had desperately tried to have them both behave, but it had only ended in a huge disagreement. Kurt knew what he was talking about. He was talking about homosexuals. Usually, he would take offense since he was a homosexual, but there was something that he felt was worth protecting even more.

"Did you really just insult the whole homosexual population when your son is gay?" Kurt's voice was low in his throat, laced with venom that he didn't think he possessed. "It's alright for you to mock me, that's your business, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to you insult the person that I love."

Either the word "love" was too difficult for him to process, or Mr. Anderson just ran out of mean spirited things to say. Kurt moved to take Blaine's hand, looking into his eyes. Blaine was smiling as he heard those words. His breathing had calmed down, his hands tremors were starting to still. His panic attack was slowly getting under control, yet Kurt could see in his eyes that the explosion was going to come at any moment.

"Do you really love my son?" He started the onslaught of stress again. "Or are you just saying that? Blaine is fragile…"

"No I'm not!" Blaine slammed his hand to the table, Kurt's body freezing as he watched Blaine get to his feet. "I'm fine, Dad. In two years I haven't cut myself or gone back into any of those behaviors that you don't approve of…"

Mr. Anderson avoided his son's glare. "That's not one hundred percent true…"

"I have been behaving exemplary for the past two years, don't you think that maybe you should give me some credit that I have this under control?" Blaine's voice was on the verge of breaking as all of the emotions that Kurt could see balled up in him since New York came to light, a single tear falling down his cheek. "I want you to look me in the eyes and see that I am trying… I'm trying so fucking hard and you're either too fucking stupid to notice or too much of an asshole to give a shit!"

"Language, Blaine. It's not respectful for you to talk to me like this," Mr. Anderson took another sip of wine, ignoring the fact that his son had fallen, not sat down, _fallen_ into his chair. "I know it's the talk of your mother that's gotten you like this; I don't know what she's calling…"

Blaine still had some fight in him even though he looked like he was on the verge of passing out. His skin was white, drenched with sweat. His eyes were empty, his pupils wide. His bones were shaking as goose bumps even though Kurt knew his body temperature was through the roof. With his voice weak, yet poisonous, he uttered out one sentence that would multiply the tension in the room tenfold. "She's been calling because I'm moving in with her. I'm going to Lima, Ohio."

Kurt picked the wrong time to take a sip of water. Hearing the words Lima, Ohio triggered his swallowing reflex as he painfully gulped down the liquid, his epiglottis barely closing as he did. He was coughing as he looked over at Blaine who was shooting invisible daggers at him with his eyes, a victorious grin on his face.

"You're going to Lima?" Mr. Anderson's voice was low. "With _her_? She abandoned you…"

"I want to make a connection with my mother. I want to go somewhere else," Blaine shook his head as Kurt continued to cough the water out of his trachea. "So I'm transferring from Dalton Academy… and going to William McKinley High School."

Kurt turned to look at his boyfriend. "You're going to McKinley? What happened to all of the fuss I had to go through when I asked you to transfer?"

"A public school?" Mr. Anderson shook his head, disgust etched on his face. "What the hell has gotten into you?"

Blaine's eyes filled with tears again, Kurt still coughing as his lungs were on fire. Closing his eyes, a tear fell down his cheek, running down his neck as he gave the reason. "They know, Dad. They all know…"

Those words didn't need to be explained. Mr. Anderson got out of his chair and walked to his son's side. They made eye contact; Kurt could see the traces of love in Mr. Anderson's eyes. He could see that he cared about him; he was just too scared to say it to his son who clearly needed his father right now. Blaine closed his eyes, more tears falling down his eyes as his breathing turned into sobs, his hands moving to cover his face as the sobs increased in pitch and intensity.

"They all know…" Blaine shook his head as more tears ran down his neck, dipping into his shirt. "They know about my past."

Mr. Anderson placed his hand on his son's shoulder. "Who? How?"

"I don't know," Kurt felt uncomfortable being in this moment, as he took another sip of water as Blaine spoke. "They're trying their best, but they haven't found him. It had to have been someone who goes to Dalton. They had access to the whole school, walk-ins don't usually get that cocky, you get caught you're dead."

His father was only fixated on one thing. "Did you…?"

Blaine shook his head, lying to his father again. "No… I had a panic attack, but I didn't do that… I would never…"

Mr. Anderson moved to walked toward the door. "Where are you going?" Kurt watched as he walked in the direction of the study. "You're not just going to leave him like this are you?" Blaine grabbed Kurt's arm and shook his head, begging him to stop riling his father up. "Your son clearly is in pain. Comfort him…"

"I'm going to call the school to get this over with so my son can go back to a school that makes him happy," he looked over his shoulder at Kurt. "I'm sorry for this, Blaine, but there are much more important things going on. I have to ensure your safety…"

He walked out of the room. The second that he was out of earshot, Blaine jumped up from his chair and went to a nearby urn. Kurt had marveled the urn when they first sat down. It was expensive and exotic, and he was positive that it was most likely one of a kind. He was then broken out of his haze by the sound of Blaine vomiting, right into the very urn that he was looking at. The water that he had chugged down passed his lips as he retched and shook his whole body convulsing as he gagged and sobbed. Kurt sat at the table, looking away from his boyfriend as he continued to vomit.

"I told you mixing pills and alcohol wasn't a good idea," he looked over his shoulder as Blaine was slumped over the urn, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Are you okay, honey?"

Blaine nodded. "My head hurts…"

"You're dehydrated, liquid has been pouring out of every orifice," he stood up and walked to his lover's side, stroking his shoulder. "You need water…"

"I need someone to care about me…" Blaine shook his head, his voice hoarse from vomiting, shaking from anxiety. "I told you not to rile him up… why didn't you listen to me? Now you know that he hates me, he doesn't care about me… are you happy? Is that what you wanted? To see how messed up I am?"

Kurt shook his head, caressing his shoulders. "I'm not happy, not in the least. I'm pissed. I'm so pissed that there are so many people that don't see you the way that I do. I'm pissed that he could stand there and talk down about you and not care that I love you," he grasped at his shoulder. "I would kiss you right now, except you just puked… but still I love you…"

Blaine smiled as he kissed at Kurt's hand on his shoulder. "I love you too…"

Blaine took a deep breath as he moved closer to Kurt, running his nose up against Kurt's, his breath condensing on the older boy's lips. He could taste the smell of stomach acid on Blaine's breath, gagging as he inhaled. Still he wanted to kiss him, he wanted to show him how much he cared about him and how close he felt to him. He could feel Blaine breathing and he could hear his heart beating. Slowly, he moved closer to Blaine's lips, his whole body shaking as he felt strong arms wrapping around him, pulling him closer.

"I have an appointment on Monday after school," he swallowed, still running his nose against Kurt's. "Will you accompany me?"

Kurt nodded. "As long as you kiss me…"

Blaine backed away. "I just threw up…"

"I don't care…" his voice was a breathy moan as he moved closer to Blaine's body.

He moved forward to take his lovers lips in a kiss, wrapping his arms around his shoulders as he heard Blaine moan deep in his throat, pressing their chest together. Mr. Anderson was still in the house, but still Kurt didn't stop kissing his boyfriend. Blaine shuddered in his arms as Kurt pulled away, running his nose up against Blaine's.

"You know, we've been trying to tell ourselves that we're ready when we're not, but today," Kurt swallowed as Blaine kissed gently at his lips. "Today I've never felt closer to you. I can feel your heart, Blaine. I feel like I want to make love to you… not just because of my hormones, but because I love you… I want to give myself to you," he pressed his hand to Blaine's chest, feeling the vibrations of his heart beating in his chest. "But before I can make love to you, I think we need to establish a list of things we think we should know about each other…"

"Where do we start?" Blaine smiled as he stroked Kurt's face.

"You can start by taking me home" Kurt breathed, his voice low before kissing Blaine's lips. "And take the long way…"

Blaine nodded. "Okay…"

* * *

><p>I'm not so proud of this chapter, but still I enjoy it and I'm still a little proud of it.<p>

The next chapter involved Blaine's visit to the psychiatrist where we will learn more about Blaine's past as well as delving more into the storylines of the New Directions who will be important to the plot.

Also this took so long but I had a small bout of writer's block.

Feel free to leave feedback.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is some strong language, sexuality including a sex scene (oral to be exact) and desciptions of past sexuality, references to underage drinking, and psychological issues. This also has a scene that doesn't involve Kurt or Blaine. Also there may be some OOC. This also doesn't completely (some parts do) adhere to the season three canon. There are also most likely errors that I missed, but I think we all just know that's going to happen so I don't even know why I'm warning you, I just do it to be polite.

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

* * *

><p>Kurt looked around the waiting room at the psychiatrist's office. He expected it to be like the movies where it was fabulous, where there would be amazing music playing and lots of magazines to look at. Instead it was just a group of couches and the same song playing over and over again. Next to him, Blaine was playing with his phone, taking deep breaths through his nose as he closed his eyes after every five breaths. The whole time that they had been sitting there, Blaine had sent and received hundreds of text messages. This was no doubt a stressful time period for him.<p>

"Are you meditating?" Kurt placed a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder.

"It calms me down," Blaine breathed as he sent another text message, taking another deep breath before his phone beeped with another incoming text message. "After what happened in school today, I think that I deserve a few minutes to try to compose myself. I don't think that I have ever had that many people yell at me in my life, which is saying something because for a whole month a few summers ago I was a street performer."

Kurt looked down at Blaine's phone. "Who are you texting?"

Blaine took a deep breath. "Well I guess when Nick started going into convulsions and Trent started sobbing, begging me to reconsider, someone sent a text message to Thad, who then sent one to David, who then sent one to Wes who is threatening to get on a plane right now…" he shook his head as he took a deep breath, looking back down at his phone. "I have to convince him not to come here. Harvard is going to kill him… not mention what his parents are going to do to him..."

"I don't see why he's so interested in coming back here because of this," Kurt could feel jealousy engulfing him. He noticed last year when he was at Dalton how much the council favored Blaine. He should have been jealous that there was something going on between him and Thad, Thad was clearly enamored by Blaine, but there was something about the Wes and Blaine relationship that made him realize that there was something going on between the two of them.

"He's my best friend, Kurt," Blaine sent a message. "He has a right to be concerned."

Before Kurt could utter another word, they were summoned into the office. "Have fun…"

"You're coming with me," Blaine grasped at Kurt's wrist pulling him up from the chair. "I need someone eighteen or over there when I get diagnosed. My parents have given you permission to come in with me."

Kurt took a deep breath as Blaine moved to weave his fingers through his. "Are you sure you want me in there with you? You don't think I'll judge you."

Blaine smiled. "Number One on my checklist: Kurt has to come to the psychiatrist with me so he can see what I'm going through," he looked around the empty waiting room before given Kurt a kiss on the cheek. "You'll be one more step closer to tapping this…"

"Don't be crude," Kurt giggled, kissing gently at Blaine's lips. "Let's go, we shouldn't keep the doctor waiting…"

He walked with Blaine down the hallway. It was a horrifying walk. His heart was racing as they came toward the door. Dr. Sarah Steinhart, the psychiatrist that was going to be picking apart Blaine's brain for the next few months. Breath stopped in his throat as he reached the door, feeling Blaine's trembling hand tighten in his grip, moistening with sweat. Eyes looked over at the younger boy watching as his eyes were watering. This was it. This was the start to getting the label that Blaine feared the most. From this day on he was going to be nuts, he was going to be labeled with a mental disorder. Kurt tightened his hand against Blaine as he moved to whisper in his ear.

"You're so brave, Blaine," he saw as Blaine's jaw started to tremble with sorrow. "I'm so proud to be with you right now…" he kissed at his cheek. "I love you…"

They walked through the door. "Long time no see, Blaine." This doctor had history with Blaine.

"I thought I had a handle on it," Blaine moved to the couch in front of the doctor. "I brought my boyfriend today…"

"You have a boyfriend now," Dr. Steinhart looked over at Kurt with a warm smile. "He's cute…"

Blaine sat in the chair as he looked over at Kurt. "If you ever want to get out of here, just tell me. I know this is very intense."

"Number Two on my checklist: Convince Blaine that I can help him through this," Kurt smiled as he sat in the corner, his body leaning back into the chair.

Blaine raised an eyebrow. "What's Number One?"

"Get you to stop smoking…"

A small laugh passed Blaine lips as he looked in his lap. "After we're done here, we can get me some nicotine patches…"

The lightheartedness then ended as Blaine took a deep breath, exhaling through his mouth, looking straight at his psychiatrist. It was shocking how nervous he was. His muscles looked tight, his hands shaking as his eyes avoided any contact. Kurt had known Blaine for almost a whole year and he was never this shy, never this nervous. He could see that he was screaming for security, screaming for someone to be close to him to calm his nerves. His eyes met Kurt's for a millisecond before he looked at his shoes again, his body shaking as he was waiting for the first question.

"Is it okay if I sit next to him?" Kurt asked, looking over at the doctor. "He's been really jittery lately."

She nodded. "By all means."

Kurt got out of his chair and moved over to Blaine lifting him off of the couch before sitting down, resting his lover on his lap, planting a soft kiss on Blaine's forehead. He moved to grasp Kurt's hand, resting his hand against his shoulder as he whispered words of gratitude in his ear. The nerves were receding. Feeling Blaine start to calm down in his arms sent a rush of endorphins throughout Kurt's body. As their eyes met, Kurt knew that this was going to get better.

"Can you describe how jittery you've been feeling?" the grilling had started.

Blaine took a deep breath. "I can't get to sleep. My hands shake all of the time. I constantly have headaches and have trouble organizing my thoughts. I've been on edge a lot, snapping at people. The panic attacks are coming back," he shook his head. "Then there are the nightmares…"

"What are the night mares about?" the doctor wrote down some notes.

"All kinds of things. Sometimes I don't even know I'm in a nightmare until I wake up and my heart is racing," Kurt ran his hand down Blaine's back as his body shook. "It's like my brain is working against me…"

She wrote down a few more notes. "Have you been taking your pills?"

Blaine nodded, Kurt knew he was lying. "But when I do I feel nauseous. I go into vomiting spells when I take them. I think my body is rejecting them…"

"Your body is adapting to them," the doctor answered, raising Kurt's blood pressure as she seemed convinced that he wasn't misdiagnosed. "I'm going to switch your prescription to give you a stronger dose of serotonin. You said the panic attacks are back."

Blaine nodded as he moved to hold Kurt's hand. "Yeah… for a little over a month I've been having some difficulty with my anxiety."

"If you had to place them on a scale of one to ten, then being the worst that you've ever had and one being normally stressed out, where you rank them," the more she wrote down, the more that Kurt could feel his own blood pressure rise. She was dissecting him.

"I was in the hospital a few weeks ago," he took a deep breath, Kurt moving to rub his stomach trying to calm him down. "That was probably a four. Nothing major, but I did pass out. Then I had one in the bathroom a week or so later, I would rank that one at an eight."

Kurt knew he was talking about the one where he cut himself. He remembered that day. That was the day when their whole relationship changed. Through all of the despair and the pain, Kurt never felt more connected to Blaine than he did after that moment, their moment of intimacy, their love was only stronger. The way that Blaine felt in his arms after that beautiful moment, he knew that this was only going to make them closer, more connected.

"But this weekend, I had several panic attacks, one that caused me to pass out for a few minutes, probably a six," he swallowed hard as he was fighting the urge to cry. "I need to get back on my pills. I need these to go away…"

"How has your life been socially?" she continued to write down everything that Blaine said.

"I haven't lost any friends," Blaine answered quietly. Kurt knew what he was going to discuss next, dreading what those words would bring. "But I just transferred from Dalton Academy… they found out about my past."

The psychiatrist looked up, for once she stopped writing. "All of it?"

"It's only a matter of time," a tear fell down Blaine's cheek as his voice started to break. "The urges are back," his jaw trembled as the waves of sorrow rolled through his body, his whole being convulsing in Kurt's arms. "I just want to hurt myself. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to make it go away."

Kurt tightened his arms around Blaine's body as the first sob shook his body. "It's okay, Blaine… you can let it all out…"

Blaine took a deep breath as he looked into Kurt's eyes before looking back at the floor. "I can't control myself. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm just caught up in this horrible nightmare and no matter how hard I try I just can't break free… I feel like I'm going back to when I was fourteen, but I won't survive this time."

So far this conversation hadn't offended Kurt, until the next question. "Are you sexually active?"

Kurt watched as Blaine jaw dropped slightly, his eyes going blank as the sobs started to die down. "Define _sexually active_…"

"Do you two regularly engage in any sexual activities? Oral sex? Anal sex?" Kurt blushed as she said that second one. "Any sort of physical intimacy."

Blaine gulped audibly before he answered the question. "Yes, we're sexually active… but we haven't had anal sex… if you recall I'm waiting for that… for the right person…" he moved to grasp Kurt's shaking hand, this had gotten a little too personal as Kurt realized how open Blaine was to talking about his sex life. "I still haven't felt I'm ready for that kind of sexual experience."

She wrote down some more notes. "Just as a recap since we haven't been seeing each other in such depth for a while: how many sexual partners have you had?"

Kurt's heart stopped at the question. He had never asked Blaine that question. Early in their relationship Blaine had told him that he had experienced sexual activity, but nothing to serious. He was a "technical virgin." Now it had occurred to him that he needed to know exactly how many people Blaine had had sexual experiences with. He looked down at Blaine seeing a blush roll across his face as he struggled to speak.

"Kurt, you can leave if you want." Those words made Kurt know he wasn't going to like the answer.

"No, I'm staying." He stroked Blaine's shoulder as he felt his lover shudder in his grasp. "I want to know the answer," he moved closer to whisper in his ear. "I want to know how many people have had their hands on you…"

Blaine took a deep breath, not wasting any time before he gulped, saying the answer. "Including Kurt… nine…"

"Nine?" Kurt's voice was caught in his throat.

The psychiatrist wrote down the answer as Blaine's eyes fell to the floor, away from anyone's glare. The number haunted Kurt. _Nine_. Nine people had their hands on Blaine. There were nine people who had pleasured Blaine before he had even met him. Kurt wrapped his arm around Blaine as he took in that number. His heart was heavy in his chest as his stomach felt like it was going to cave in. Who the hell were these nine people?

"I'm going to suggest that you go to a doctor and get a CAT scan, just in case there is anything wrong with your brain physically," she wrote down a name on a piece of paper. "I'm not saying that it's a sure thing, but you should check to see if you have any tumors or other growths that may be affecting our diagnosis."

Tears were falling from Blaine's eyes as he was handed the piece of paper, his head moving to bury himself in the crook of Kurt's neck. Kurt knew he should be paying attention, but he wanted to know who exactly these nine people were. He wrapped his arms around Blaine consoling him as he sobbed, this day had just gotten difficult.

OOOOO

Quinn sat in the corner of the choir room. There were times where she wondered why she continued to bother with this school. Last year, she was robbed of everything that she had. Both of her boyfriends had dumped her not uttering a single word to her since their falling out, she had slowly fallen into the background of the club, he popularity was spiraling down. Winning prom queen with Finn was her last shot at redemption after her pregnancy sophomore year— when that went so did her chances of a happy life.

Over the summer she had redefined herself. She gave most of her old outfits away—none of them fit her personality anymore. She replaced all of the colors in her life with black. Everything was black. This year she wasn't looking for love. She wasn't even looking for a boyfriend. She just needed to survive one more year and then she was out of this Godforsaken town.

She looked around the choir room at all of the people sitting in their chairs, having their cute, little, insignificant conversations. It was disgusting how they were so involved in boys and their images. Right now, those were the last things on Quinn Fabray's mind.

"Can I ask a question?" Artie raised his hand as if he were in elementary school. "Where's Kurt? It's not like him to skip practice…"

Finn was the next one to talk. "He said he had to do something with Blaine today… he said it couldn't wait…"

Puck shook his head. "Skipping rehearsal for the nasty, I didn't know Hummel had it in him…"

"He's not having sex," Rachel butted him, annoying as usual. "Kurt said that Blaine had to go to a doctor and he really needed to be there with him…"

"Couples counseling?" Tina asked. "They have been fighting a lot over the past few months. They're always bantering when they're together. It's uncomfortable sometimes…"

Puck shook his head. "The sex must be amazing between those two…"

Quinn rolled her eyes as she looked at the group of people. "Does it always have to be sex with you people?"

"Who got your panties in a twist?" Puck asked, looking over at Quinn. "I thought you were just here to look pretty in the corner. I mean you haven't sung a note since we got back from summer break."

"What's the point?" Quinn looked toward the door. "We're not going to be able to compete. We need another member, it's October, no one is going to join. We're going to be disbanded and then our reputations will be even worse than they already are…"

Rachel shook her head. "Don't be so dramatic, Quinn. There's still hope we can get another member…"

"Who? Blaine? Trust me, he's not going to join," Quinn scoffed as she leaned back in her chair. "In all honesty I'm the only person in this room who hasn't tweeted him begging him to join…"

"I didn't. I sat on my phone while I was trying to send him a message. I like butt tweeted him," Brittany looked toward the door.

"Regardless of how or why you guys have been communicating with him you have to understand one thing: Blaine is not our friend, he doesn't like us, as a matter of fact the only reason why he spent time with any of you over the summer was because of Kurt," Quinn stood up as she looked around at all of the faces in the room.

She was sick of all of these people. It was going to be the same exact year. It was going to be Rachel and Finn getting all of the solos and they were going to lose again. They had stagnated to the point where Quinn wondered why she stuck around. She didn't need the glee club. She didn't even want to be noticed at school anymore. She wanted to fade into the background and be the Anti-Quinn, do everything the opposite of the past two years. As she walked out the door, she heard footsteps follow her.

"What do you want, Rachel?" she turned around, it wasn't Rachel.

"I'm sorry, did I sound like an uncoordinated man stomping grapes?" Santana asked as she walked closer to Quinn.

"Why are you talking to me? Last time I checked you were cooler than me," Quinn knew the drill. Now that she was off the Cheerios, no one paid attention to her. All of the cool kids would just walk on by pretending that she didn't exist. She was nothing to them.

"You said some pretty harsh things in there. I'm pleased."

"What do you want Santana?" Quinn leaned up against the wall. "Are you here to hit on me? I'm not interested…"

Santana smiled deviously as she leaned up against the wall next to Quinn, she was up to something. "Do you remember Sectionals last year? Do you remember who got the solos?" Quinn wanted to know when she was going to get to the point. "You and I did. And we won. So I don't see why we don't get the attention we deserve."

"I'm done fighting with Rachel," Quinn rolled her eyes. "Every time she opens her mouth I want to rip her hair out."

Santana was notorious for trying to stir up drama. At the end of last year, she seemed fairly tame. She even talked Quinn out of the sabotaging the club. Quinn knew that it wouldn't be a real school year unless Santana was doing what she did best. Yet at the same time, she had a bad feeling rolling through her body. The only topic the club had been talking about since September was Blaine. What were her plans for him?

"I think we need to take Finn and Rachel down." The plan seemed almost too easy for Santana.

"How?" Quinn moved to push some of her hair out of her eyes.

"The easier target is Finn," Santana's voice was low as she looked over at Quinn. "Fancy Pants is already doing all the work for us. The second that Kurt offers something sexual to Blaine, he's going to move his tight, yoga toned, bright colored jeggings wearing ass away from Gaytown to here, and we all know that he can sing the frumpy, oversized pants off of Frankenteen…"

"What about Rachel?" Quinn rolled her eyes. "How are you going to destroy her?"

"She'll be so enamored by Blaine that he could convince her to do anything. You see how she looks at him. He can't stand her. With Blaine on our side it'll only be a matter of time before he opens his mouth and demands that he has a duet with someone other than Rachel. We warm him up and he will be putty in our hands," Santana had thought about this a long time, almost too long. "Are you with me?"

Quinn chuckled as she shook her head. "Why are you including me in your plans? Last time I checked you hated me."

"Because I know that you hate this club just as much as I do: not the singing part, but Berry and Finn. She stole your man and he broke your heart. If anything, they are responsible for your fall from grace, and I think that you are being far too nice to them," Santana asked one more time, unable to take no for an answer. "If Hummel can get Blanderson to join our happy team, will you help me bring down Finn and Rachel?"

Quinn thought about it. Those two had ruined her life. Finn helped push Sam away, the only boy who ever made Quinn feel like a person, and Rachel walked all over her and still tried to seduce Finn. She wanted to see them fall. She wanted to see a change in their disgusting reign over the glee club. Looking into Santana's eyes she knew that this was something that had to be done and she was one of the only ones who could do it.

"Fine, but the second that Blaine starts getting hurt I'm pulling out," Quinn backed away from the wall. "I hate Finn and Rachel as much as you do, probably more, but the last thing that I want is for either of them to lash out at him. Blaine's a nice guy. I don't want them to break him."

"You're too sweet deep down inside of that bitchy heart of yours. So we have a deal?" Santana reached her hand out, looking into Quinn's eyes. "It's only a matter of time before we get in the spotlight instead of them."

Quinn moved to shake Santana's hand. She knew she was making a deal with the Devil, but for the first time there was something that she and Santana agreed on: Finn and Rachel had to be stopped. "Deal…"

OOOOO

"I don't even know what kind of nicotine patches I should get," Blaine looked down the aisles looking at the various nicotine patches, avoiding Kurt's glare. The whole ride from the psychiatrist to the pharmacy was painfully silent. They didn't even listen to the radio. All Kurt did was look at the window with his arms crossed. For two people who were so close, Blaine now felt that they were miles apart, like they were different people.

"I bet if they were condoms you'd know the right brand to buy…" Kurt rolled his eyes as he walked down the aisle away from Blaine.

It had finally come out. "Are you angry at me for telling the truth?"

"To your psychiatrist! When were you going to tell me that you've had your penis in nine guys' mouths?" Kurt was raising his voice in public, turning to look in square in the eye.

"I told you I was a _technical_ virgin, Kurt," he shook his head as he watched Kurt roll his eyes again. "I didn't lie to you, I just withheld information."

"Like the fact that you started smoking again," Kurt still hadn't let that go. "Or the fact that you cut yourself? Or the fact that your dad is an asshole and your mom is a bitch? What else are you hiding from me? Did you have a boyfriend before we started dating? Are you lying about that to?"

"Why are you yelling at me?" Blaine lowered his voice as he saw people start to look at them. "Can we talk about this when we get to the car? I just want to buy my nicotine patches and then go…"

"Am I embarrassing you?" Kurt asked, his voice low as he looked Blaine straight in the eyes. "Do you know how many people I've been with before you?" Blaine closed his eyes as he turned back to the nicotine patches. Kurt raised his voice to get his attention. "None! You are the first guy I've ever been with and here you are standing in front of me telling me that I'm number _nine_!"

Blaine shook his head as he felt tears well in his eyes. He was too on edge to have this conversation. "You said it didn't matter to you if you weren't first…"

"I'm ninth, you're first. You have no one to be jealous of," Kurt's eyes were sparkling with tears as he shook his head. "You don't have to wonder if you're as tall, or as attractive, or as skinny as the other guys I've been with because you're the only one…"

"For the last time, you're not fat, Kurt," Blaine turned to look at his boyfriend who was now on the verge of tears. "If they meant anything to me, don't you think that I would be here with them? Don't you think that I would be sneaking around motel room to motel room behind our parents' back just to get one more touch, one more kiss, to hear him say I love you one more time? Don't you think that I would be considering losing my virginity to them? But I'm with you… I'm here happily with you…"

Kurt opened his mouth to speak. "I feel threatened…"

"By a whole bunch of guys who only gave me a few blowjobs and hand jobs?" Blaine moved to wipe one of the tears away. "I love you, Kurt. You're the only person in the world who I have ever really loved. You're the only person I ever want to love. You are everything to me, so don't you think that any of those other guys matter…"

"Do I know any of these guys who went down on you?" Kurt was starting to pry.

"Maybe," Blaine turned away as he continued to be buried in the nicotine patches, still arguing over the prices in his head. "You did go to Dalton…"

"One of them went to Dalton?" Kurt's eyes watered as he avoided Blaine's direction with his eyes. "Did you have sex with Thad?"

"No," Blaine shook his head. "He made some attempts when he was drunk, but I never granted him clearance to go below the waist line."

"Jeff?" Kurt looked over at him.

Blaine shook his head again. "No. Jeff doesn't like me that way…"

"Nick?" He wasn't letting up.

"No," Blaine looked back at the patches. "Again, he doesn't like me that way."

"David?" Kurt moved closer to Blaine's body.

"No," Blaine shook his head as he reached for a package of nicotine patches. "Don't be silly, he has a girlfriend…"

Kurt then said the one name that Blaine hoped he never would. "Wes?"

The patches almost fell through his fingers as he heard that name. Wes. He couldn't lie to Kurt and tell him that nothing happened between them. Blaine had Wes had a very torrid affair, _very _torrid. As he looked into Kurt's eyes he knew that he wasn't going to let up until he told him the truth. He swallowed hard as he grabbed the patches.

"Kurt…" he took a deep breath.

"Who is the bitch at Dalton who had their private school acapella mouth all over you?" Jealous Kurt was coming to light. "It's Wes isn't it?" He closed his eyes as the tears started to fall. "What did you and Wes do?"

"I don't know why you're so freaking obsessed with my sexual past. I told you that I've been intimate with other people," Blaine made his way to the checkout counter, Kurt following after him. "I don't know why you are so concerned with who they are…"

Kurt rolled his eyes as he walked toward the counter as Blaine placed the patches in front of the cashier. "I don't see why you can't just tell me. I'm already pissed…"

Blaine looked over his shoulder at Kurt seeing the pain in his eyes. "Can we discuss this in the car?" he handed the money to the cashier with a smile. "I don't want to announce my sex life to the entire pharmacy…" he grabbed the bag and the change. "Thank you have a nice day…"

As they walked out of the pharmacy, Kurt was quiet, unable to look Blaine in the eye. The whole venture from the pharmacy to the car was awkward, both of them opening the doors to the car before they climbed in. Kurt still wasn't looking at Blaine even while they were in the car. For three minutes they sat there in silence, not even turning the car on.

"It hurts, Kurt that I was told that I could have a brain tumor and you're hung up on what happened between me and some guys who don't matter to me like you do…" he took a deep breath as he looked out the window. "Something did go on between Wes and me," Blaine looked over his shoulder and watched as Kurt closed his eyes.

"Oh God…" he whispered as he looked toward the mirror.

"It was when I first got to Dalton. I was the new kid on campus and he took me under his wing. He showed me around and got me acquainted with my surroundings. We were fast friends. I told him about my past and he was sympathetic, he didn't see me as a psycho," Blaine swallowed hard as he placed his hands on the steering wheel, swallowing again as he took a deep breath. "One day we were at a party… we had a few drinks…"

Kurt looked over at Blaine, his eyes sparkling with more tears as he took a series of deep breaths. Blaine couldn't look at him. It hurt too much to see how he was taking this. One of his hands moved to grasp at Blaine's, connecting them by the fingertips.

"I was too drunk to go home, my dad would have killed me if I came home drunk after all of the progress I made," Blaine took another deep breath. "So I stayed over at his house… it didn't occur to me that anything would happen. I was convinced he was straight," he shook his head as he felt a tear form in his eyes. "We started kissing… it seemed harmless enough… I had kissed so many guys before that I didn't think another one would be that big of a deal. Then he started taking my clothes off and he kept telling me how much he wanted to touch me."

Blaine looked over at Kurt whose eyes were watering dramatically. "Did he… _rape_ you?"

"No," Blaine shook his head, his voice shaking. "I let him touch me. I let him put his hands all over me. It felt so good to be touched, so good to have someone who knew about my problem who didn't care. He told me how beautiful I was and how much he cared about me. I let him make love to my thighs that night… and the next day we realized that we didn't want to stop. We wanted to keep doing it. We wanted to be with each other…"

"But not dating?" Kurt asked, his voice breaking with tears.

"No, not dating, you're the only boyfriend I've ever had… I didn't lie about that…" Blaine felt a tear roll down his cheeks. "It was only a year later that he got a girlfriend and decided that he didn't even like guys. He just wanted to be friends, and I let him be my friend because I still care about him…" he swallowed a sob as he looked over at Kurt. "I'm so sorry that I never told you that sooner…" he tightened his grip on the wheel, his knuckles turning white. "I'm so sorry, Kurt…"

As he sat there crying, he expected Kurt to want to continue the car ride in silence before he dropped him off at his house and they went their separate ways. He was shocked to feel Kurt's lips graze against his neck in a light kiss before moving up to his cheek. A soft, cold hand caressed his face before taking his lips into a deep kiss, his whole body trembling as he moved to wrap his arms around Kurt's shoulders, pulling him closer. Kurt's warm tongue ran across Blaine's lips before he moved closer, kissing him again a soft purr emerging from his throat. This was the last thing that Blaine thought would every happen after telling Kurt that he'd had sexual relations with his best friend.

"Do you want me to take you home?" Blaine asked as he broke away, looking into Kurt's eyes.

Kurt nodded. "Finn's not home. Dad's working and so is Carole. We'd have the whole house to ourselves…" he kissed at Blaine's neck, his breath hot as he whispered against his flesh. "And I want you upstairs with me… I want to give you something… something that only you can have…"

Blaine nodded as his heart was racing; Kurt's wet tongue running along his pulse point. "O-okay…"

OOOOO

When they finally got up to Kurt's bedroom, he knew Blaine was expecting Kurt to continue interrogating him about his sexual past, but instead he was pinned to the bed, being assaulted with deep sexual kisses. Kurt's breath was hot against his lover's skin as his hands were tight on his shoulders, his legs on either side of Blaine's hips as he kissed at his neck. Their hands wove together as they continued to move in unison. Tightening the union of their hands, Blaine moved to kiss at Kurt's lips, swallowing a moan. Kurt loved the sensation of having Blaine so close to him, the argument that they had in the pharmacy was slowly going away.

"Wait," Blaine broke free from the kiss, pressing a hand against Kurt's chest. "What are we doing?"

Kurt took a deep breath as he moved to kiss at his boyfriend's forehead. "I want to congratulate you," he kissed at his lips, hearing Blaine inhale sharply before they separated with a wet sound of their lips colliding. "You checked off three points on the checklist. You got nicotine patches, you went to a shrink, and you told me the truth about your past sex life. I know I was pissed, and I want to make it up to you…"

Blaine shook his head as Kurt moved to pull Blaine's sweater over his head, exposing the white tank top underneath. "Kurt…" he looked up into his lover's eyes. "What's gotten into you? You've been having these mood swings lately… worse than mine… it's not like you to ignore the fact that I could be sick because of my slutty past…"

Kurt knew he was caught. He knew that Blaine noticed that Kurt wasn't eating, and whenever he did he had to go to the bathroom. Everything had come to the light. Kurt's vicious cycle of anorexia and bulimia was now out in the open. He swallowed as he looked into Blaine's eyes before kissing at his nose.

"I'm just nervous…" he was lying again. "This is a lot for me to take in. And what the psychiatrist said… before we left… about you having to go to the doctor," what he said next wasn't a lie. "I guess I wanted to pretend you were going to be alright. I didn't want to think of you… _dying_…"

"They just want to make sure my brain's okay," Blaine smiled weakly as he looked toward the mirror at the end of the bed. "They want to make sure that it's not a tumor… I mean it would explain the erratic behavior, the shaking, the vomiting, and the nightmares… they just want to make sure it's a mood disorder…"

Kurt swallowed as he heard those words. "If it is a tumor… I still love you…"

"It's not a tumor… I don't have cancer…" Blaine ran his hand down Kurt's arm. "They're just trying to rule everything out so they can diagnose me properly… so I don't kill myself…"

Kurt took a deep breath as he looked down at his lover. "Do you want me to go with you when they scan your brain?" he moved to hold Blaine's hand, pressing it against his lips as he kissed gently at his knuckles. "I want to be there with you…"

"Well I move into my mother's condo later this week," he giggled as Kurt kissed at his knuckles. "I really want you there when that happens… I want you to help me pack…"

Kurt could feel his heart race. "You're really transferring?"

Blaine nodded. "I am… no more flip-flopping… I'm going to McKinley until December… maybe later if I like it there…" he moved to kiss at Kurt's lips. "You got what you wanted… we get to spend more time together…"

Kurt looked into Blaine's eyes as his blood ran cold. "I want to give you something…" he moved his hands to undo the button on Blaine's skinny jeans, unzipping them before he pulled them down with his underwear. "I want to show you how much you matter to me and how much I appreciate all that you've done…"

"What did you have in mind?" Blaine voice was shaking as he looked up into his lover's eyes, licking his lips as Kurt's hands caressed his body.

"I want to give you a blowjob…" he smiled, as he ran his hand down Blaine's chest and stomach, feeling as his chest rose and fell with deep breaths.

He wrapped his hand around Blaine's hardening flesh, stroking him softly as he looked into his eyes, watching him arch against the mattress as a deep moan passed his lips. As he heard the moans passing his lover's lips he knew that both of them really wanted to be close to one another. Moving to kiss Blaine's lips, he felt him groan into his mouth, his hips bucking once to grind against Kurt's jeans.

"Kurt," Blaine threw head back feeling as his lover's teeth grazed his Adam's apple. "Kurt…"

Blaine swallowed as he bucked his hips into Kurt's hand. Moans bubbled from his throat as he Kurt moved to kiss at his stomach, situating his body between Blaine's legs. All of the strong muscles were tensing under his lips, Blaine's voice deepening with every cry of ecstasy. Kurt loved it when Blaine got like this. He loved to see Blaine break out of his shell and give into teenage lust. People would think that they wouldn't have a sexual love life, they were deemed too cute for that. Around Kurt's friends they were cute: all smiles and giggles. In private they were like any teenage boys, horny as hell. Kurt smiled as he felt Blaine's strong hand move to weave through his hair, pulling gently at it. He kissed along one of Blaine's hipbones, hearing him mewl in response.

Slowly he made his way down to the base of Blaine's erection, sliding his tongue against the bottom of the hard flesh, feeling Blaine arch into the movement. He loved feeling of Blaine coming undone, howling and begging for him. Finally cutting to the chase, he moved to take tip into his mouth, hearing Blaine choke on his breath. Relishing in the way that Blaine responded, he lowered himself down his lover's length, swallowing against it as to not trigger his gag reflex. He then rose back up hearing Blaine let out a high pitched cry, his whole body shaking.

"_Kurt_…" Blaine rolled his hips into Kurt's mouth, closing his eyes tightly as he got lost in the motions. His eyes were fixated on Kurt, watching as his erection slid in and out of his lover's mouth. His hand in Kurt's hand tightened as his muscles tensed, his voice shaking as he tried to form the words that he wanted to say. "I love you…"

Kurt took him deeper into his mouth, swallowing against the hard flesh before pulling it out of his throat, his tongue massaging the skin as he pulled back. He closed his eyes as repeated the motion, feeling his boyfriend shudder up against him. Kurt didn't want it to end. He loved every moment of this, the taste, the sensations, the sounds that Blaine was making. Blaine rolled his hips into every movement of Kurt's mouth and tongue, letting out a deep moan as he felt himself get swallowed by Kurt's muscles. He was starting to lose control as his pulse was racing, his breathing ragged. His hand tightened around the base as he scraped his teeth gently against the shaft as he pulled back.

"Shit!" Blaine threw his head back as he took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. "K-Kurt…" he gulped audibly as he pushed himself deeper into Kurt's mouth, Kurt letting out a deep purr as he felt Blaine slide into his throat, swallowing against his hard flesh, trying his hardest not to gag. "Ah… K-Kurt…"

He was getting closer to his release. Kurt made sure of it. His mouth took Blaine deeper into his mouth, his right hand squeezing at the base tighter as his left hand caressing his testicles. The noises that his lover was making, the way that his body was moving, it all made Kurt feel even closer to him. Every act that they did, everything sexual that happened between them was a way for Kurt to get closer to Blaine. Right now, he felt just that. As Blaine let out short, sharp, staccato breaths, Kurt knew that he loved this.

"I love you, Kurt!" he tightened his grip in Kurt's hair, his hands shaking as his muscles tensed. "I love you so much!"

With a deep moan and without warning, Blaine finally hit his peak, his whole body convulsing as he pushed himself as deep as he could into Kurt's mouth. Kurt closed his eyes as he felt the warmth pool up against the back his tongue as Blaine pulled away, his body falling to the bed limp as he struggled to catch his breath. Kurt wasn't concerned about the taste. All he cared about was how connected he was to the boy who he could see himself spending the rest of his life with. He swallowed it down slowly as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Wow…" Blaine uttered breathlessly, his eyes sparkling as his gaze met Kurt's. "You are _so_ good at that…"

Kurt moved to rest against Blaine's sweat drenched tank top, feeling his chest rise and fall with dramatic short breaths. "Thanks…"

Blaine rolled Kurt onto his back as he kissed at his neck, situating himself in between his lover's legs. It was another day when they were too engulfed in passion to care that there was a whole world outside that they were missing out on. But today, Kurt didn't want to miss a moment with Blaine. It was going to get better.

* * *

><p>This chapter was LONG but I am proud of it. I think that it delved into some more of the past that will play a major role in Blaine's future (mostly the drama with Wes, sorry if you all detest Bles.) Also I know that the Quinn and Santana scene was random, but it will be important.<p>

The next chapter will be when Blaine moves to Lima and Kurt meets the elusive Mrs. Anderson (it may be a short chapter, be warned.)

Feel free to leave feedback.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is some strong language, sexuality including a sexual scene (pretty tame compared to some of the ones in the past) and desciptions of past sexuality, references to underage drinking, and psychological issues (eating disorder, mood disorder, and cutting). Also there is most likely some OOC. This also doesn't completely (some parts do) adhere to the season three canon. There are also most likely errors that I missed, but I think we all just know that's going to happen so I don't even know why I'm warning you, I just do it to be polite, because I'm cool like that.

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

* * *

><p>"You know this is the umpteenth time I have skipped choir practice for you," Kurt breathed as he sat on Blaine's bed watching as he was going through his drawers. "I know you've officially left the Warblers, but some of us are still part of a group."<p>

"I'll make it up to you," Blaine moved to throw some of his sweaters into the suitcase. "I really appreciate you coming all the way out to Westerville to help me pack," he smiled as he moved to his closet. "It really makes me feel better that I have an extra pair of hands to lug all of this to Lima," he was sorting through more sweaters moving to his suitcase.

Kurt rested on his stomach on the bed. He was still caught up on how many sexual partners Blaine had been with over the past few years. As he watched Blaine go through his drawer of jeggings and yoga pants, he sat up, resting up against the pillows. It was in this room where they were going to make love the first time. How many people had Blaine brought in here to fulfill his huger for sexual gratification? He watched as Blaine zipped up one of the suitcases and moved on to the next one.

"Blaine," Kurt's voice was shaking. "How many of those guys did you bring into this room?"

Blaine stopped where in front of the drawer as he was folding a pair of bright red yoga pants. "I thought you were over that after the whole blowjob thing…"

"Why would I be over that? We talked about it once and it's going to take more than a blowjob for us to get over it," he watched as Blaine moved to the suitcase, his t-shirt sleeve riding up his bicep to show a white patch adhered to his skin. At that moment, Kurt finally stopped bitching and was overcome with joy. "Wait a second, are you wearing a nicotine patch?"

"You said you wanted me to stop smoking," Blaine put the pants in the suitcase as he pulled his sleeve down, covering the patch. "I didn't get a wink of sleep last night… I had a horrifying nightmare that made me pee all over myself… but at least I'm not smoking now…"

Kurt smiled as he cuddled into the pillow. "Well when you move to Lima we can cuddle more often… we could have sleepovers all the time… pee and all…" he watched as Blaine closed the drawers looking around the room. "Are you going to miss this place?"

Blaine shook his head. "I'll be back before I even adjust to being gone," he looked over his shoulder at Kurt who was on the bed, moving closer to sit down, his eyes avoiding him as their hands tangled together. "And tomorrow, I'll be at school with you…"

Kurt smiled as he held his hand tighter. "I can't wait…" he kissed at his knuckled. "I want you to be happy, Blaine, and I'm flattered that you think going to school with me is going to do that," he pressed a kiss to his wrist. "So are you going to join the New Directions?"

Blaine took a deep breath. "Don't you guys need me? I mean I have over a hundred text messages and tweets saying that you guys are super desperate," he chuckled as Kurt ran kisses up his arm. "So I guess I owe it to you, no doubt that's on your list of things I need to do before I can make love to you…"

"You read my mind," Kurt kissed at his lover's shoulder, running his hands along his shoulder blades. "So is your mother going to be there today? Am I going to meet her?"

Blaine nodded. "She made sure that she was going to be at the condo today to help me get settled in," he smiled as he looked over his shoulder, his eyes connecting deeply with Kurt's as his breathing was heavy, his body trembling softly as Kurt stroked his face. "She's even giving me the master bedroom."

"The master bedroom?" Kurt shook his head. "So that's like what a king sized bed and the best room in the condo?"

He nodded. "Yeah, workaholic parents rule…"

Kurt looked down at the three suitcases. "Did you pack enough bags?"

"I'm going to be gone until after Christmas break," he got off of the bed to walk toward a suitcase. "That means I need to pack enough to last until January…" he lifted one of the bags. "Most of these are shoes anyway…"

"You and shoes…" Kurt rolled his eyes as he rose from of the bed. "I can probably only carry one of these things, you know my lack of upper body strength…"

"You are so adorably useless…" Blaine smiled as he lifted a duffle bag.

"That's not what you were saying when we were last in my bedroom," he moved forward to kiss Blaine on the nose. "Last I checked, you enjoyed every minute of that blowjob…"

"You do give a mean blow-jay," he kissed at his lips again, holding onto the duffle bag. "But come on, Kurt, you can carry one of the duffel bags," he gestured toward one of the bags on the floor. "That one only has my underwear in it…"

"You trust me with your panties?" Kurt reached down for the duffel bag. "So is the condo big or is it a hellhole that the McKinley teachers live in?"

"It's nice," Blaine smiled as he walked toward the door. "My mother is a snob. She wouldn't settle for anything less…" he made his way down the hallway as Kurt followed. "Come on, I know that you can lift those bags. I gave you the light ones. I'm carrying like eighty pounds of shoes…"

"Well sunglasses and panties add up, not to mention I'm carrying all eight thousand of your sweaters. I think that you can open up your own outlet of Express and Banana Republic, you practically have the whole stock of the store…" he struggled with one of the bags as he took a deep breath. "I would hate to see how you're going to pack when you go to college…"

"You're going to see, Kurt. We're going together," he walked down the stairs making it look so easy carrying over a hundred pounds. "If it's too heavy for you I can handle it," he looked over his shoulder at Kurt.

By time that Kurt heard those words, he was already halfway down the stairs. His head was spinning as he struggled with the weight. This wouldn't have been a problem under normal circumstances, but it had been days since he ate anything and actually kept it down. He stopped as he tried to catch his breath, Blaine putting the bags down at the end of the staircase before making his way up.

"Don't hurt yourself," he grabbed the bag from Kurt's grasp as he looked into Kurt's with a smile. "I got it, Kurt."

"I guess I'm just not feeling well today…" Kurt moved to walk down the staircase, his head spinning.

"What's wrong?" Blaine placed the bags at the end of the stairs. "Do you have an upset stomach? You've been in the bathroom a lot lately…"

Kurt knew that if Blaine hadn't caught on by now, he never would. "I think I have a parasite or something…" he moved to sit on the stairs taking a deep breath as his stomach was screaming at him.

"Is it contagious?" his boyfriend moved to sit down next to him.

"It's been bothering me for weeks now, if you don't have it now you aren't getting it," he moved to caress Blaine's knee as he rested his head on his shoulder. "I think my stomach is just sensitive… I have trouble keeping food down…"

Blaine took a deep breath as his hand met Kurt's on his thigh. "Do you need to go to a doctor? I mean I have an appointment soon to get my brain scanned, we could set you up an appointment to get your stomach checked out," Kurt felt warm from his concern, no one had really been so worried about him the whole time he had his eating disorder. "How bad does it hurt? Do you want some ginger ale?"

Kurt shook his head. "I'm fine…"

"Are you sure, because we're going to be driving two hours," he tightened his hand against Kurt's. "I don't want you puking in my Prius…" he moved to kiss Kurt on the cheek. "We can take as long as you want. We can lie down for a while if you need to…"

Kurt looked into his boyfriend's eyes. He couldn't remember why he was doing this. It started off with words that Rachel had said to him, then it was for control, now all he could see was the pain that it was causing his lover. The nights when Blaine would lie in bed and Kurt would sneak off to the bathroom were too numerous for him to bear. It was killing Blaine. Even if he didn't know, it was still killing him. Looking into those eyes, Kurt didn't know how long he could keep this up.

"I'm fine…" He wanted to tell him. Blaine has been so honest with him. He had told Kurt everything that he wanted to know. He told him about the cutting, the smoking, the partying, and the hookups— nothing was secret. Yet as Kurt looked into his boyfriend's eyes he couldn't tell him that he was throwing up after every meal, he couldn't tell him about his own selfish ideals to have a leg up in New York. Blaine would just add that to his "you should write plays, not act in them" campaign. He couldn't have that conversation again.

"Seriously, I don't mind holding you…" Blaine missed at Kurt's cheek again. "It's not like I'm in any rush. Rush hour isn't for at least two hours; we can lie down if you feel lightheaded…"

Kurt shook his head; he knew that he wanted to get out of Westerville as fast as he could. "I can relax in the car if you don't blast the radio…"

Blaine smiled as he ran his hand down Kurt's back. "We can be as quiet as you want because the second that we get there I want you to help me arrange my room," his hand moved up Kurt's back, gaining a breathy sigh.

"Won't your mom be there?" Kurt rolled his eyes.

"So, we've fooled around when your dad was home… don't see much difference…" Kurt could hear the smile on his boyfriend's face.

"My dad knows I'm gay and has accepted that I'm gay," Kurt moved to get to his feet. "Your mother probably doesn't have as much experience with this delicate situation…"

"I'm gay, Kurt. It's not like I got you pregnant," he struggled to get off of the stairs as he took a deep breath. "And she's going to have to get used to you. I'm not dumping you because of her," he moved to grab one of the bags, reaching into his pocket to get his car keys. "You can go sit in the car if you want, I can handle this…"

Kurt grabbed the keys and walked out of the front door toward the car. His vision was clouding as he made his way to the vehicle. He moved toward the door as he looked back at Blaine walking through the door. Over the past weeks he had seen a whole new side to his boyfriend. Part of him knew he should be pissed. He didn't sign up for this. When this started out, he thought that Blaine was the confident, sexy, perfect Blaine that made life so much easier. This was serious now. As he watched Blaine make his way to the car, he knew that this was going to be the start of his new life; hopefully it would get easier with Blaine being closer. Watching as Blaine smiled at him as he passed the car, Kurt knew that it had already started getting better for them.

As Blaine continued to put bags in the trunk and go back to the house and get more, Kurt closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat, taking a deep breath as he buckled his seatbelt. It was going to be a long ride, the perfect time for Kurt to try to leave all of the drama of Blaine's past in Westerville, Ohio and start over again in Lima. Blaine opened the driver's seat door as he had finally finished loading the trunk.

"Okay," he closed the door as he sat down, buckling his seatbelt. "You can sleep if you want?"

Kurt shook his head as Blaine started the car. "I'm not tired…"

Blaine smirked as he backed out of the driveway. "Well we can talk if you want. Just don't raise my blood pressure. I'm undiagnosed and I have a nicotine patch on… in other words I'm incredibly moody…"

"I don't think your mood swings are that bad," Kurt looked over at Blaine who was focused on driving. "I mean, you're still you. I can still see you in there… even though there's more crying… and screaming… and drinking…"

Blaine chuckled. "You really don't have any clue how to deal with this do you?"

Kurt shook his head as a response. "No."

"Well I'm going to teach you…" Blaine kept his eyes on the road. "That is if you want to stick around…"

"Well that depends," Kurt sat up in his chair as he took a deep breath. "I want to leave all of our drama in Westerville. So I have some questions about your past," he watched as Blaine was avoiding him, still looking at the road. "Those guys you were with before me…"

"Here we go again…" Blaine muttered under his breath.

"We're going to continue talking about this," Kurt moved to stretch his legs, looking over at his agitated boyfriend. "I just want you to answer a few questions. Most importantly: what made you a technical virgin? I mean you said to me that losing your virginity meant having anal sex and you haven't had anal sex yet…" Blaine was ignoring him. "Have you?"

"Why would I lie about that?" his voice was tense as he kept driving. "What would I gain from lying to you about that?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm a conquest?" Kurt watched as Blaine rolled his eyes as he was trying to dissect the past and their relationship. "I believe that you haven't had anal sex, but I'm new at this whole sex thing. I just want to know what made you a technical virgin and what made me a virgin…"

"Well when we first met I had done everything but anal sex whereas you had done nothing…" Blaine was trying to avoid the discussion that Kurt was trying to start. "That's why I was technical and you were a real virgin."

Kurt swallowed as he asked the question that he was avoiding. "What have you done that I haven't?"

"You're going to freak out if I tell you…" Blaine sighed, his eyes on the road.

Kurt would feel his blood pressure rise. "I won't freak out… I promise…"

Blaine took another deep breath. "I've gotten rimjobs…"

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Like when they clean your tires?"

Kurt watched as his boyfriend chuckled. "Uh… no… I'm not talking about getting my tires cleaned…" he looked over his shoulder briefly before looking back at the road. "You don't know what a rimjob is?"

Kurt thought back to those dirty pamphlets that he hadn't looked at since way back when. There were only a few things that stood out to him. The pictures were what really stood out. Those pictures almost scared him out of sex all together. As he kept thinking, he didn't really know what Blaine was talking about. He shook his head as a response.

"It's when someone uses their mouth to… _stimulate_ the…" Blaine was blushing as he tried to explain it as innocently as possible. "You know… _back there_…"

Kurt finally connected the dots as a wave of horror crashed over him. "Oh my God!"

"I told you you'd freak out," Blaine smiled nervously as Kurt looked over at him.

"Do you like… _that_?" Kurt asked, his body temperature rising.

"It was nice…" Blaine was being way too honest with him. "At first I was a little reluctant about it, but shockingly it was actually really enjoyable…"

"Who did it to you?" he could tell the answer by the way that his boyfriend gulped at the question. "It was Wes wasn't it?" Kurt didn't need an answer as Blaine closed his eyes briefly. "Did you ever… _reciprocate_?" Kurt swallowed hard as he looked over at Blaine who had a blank look on his face his mouth hung open on a response, shocked that Kurt was bringing this up. "Would you prefer if I was a little _sexier_?"

Blaine let out a deep breath. "I think you're sexy…"

"I know you do," Kurt shook his head as he tried to absorb the information. "But we've been playing it extremely safe by keeping it vanilla…"

"I like our vanilla sex…" Blaine smiled as they ran into traffic allowing him to look. "Besides, we've been warming up to things out of your comfort zone. I don't want you to think that you have to be more erotic just because of what I used to do during my drunken party days. We can take baby steps," he took another deep breath. "And to answer your question, I did reciprocate… but don't worry… you don't have to do anything like that. We can continue down the road we're on, like I said baby steps. I like what I do with you, Kurt. I don't want to screw it up because of my past…"

Kurt nodded. "So you like me boring?"

"I like the intimate relationship we have," Blaine took a deep breath, his shoulders stiff with annoyance. "What's with all the sex talk these days? It was less than a year ago that I couldn't even say the word without you blushing…"

Kurt felt the breath catch in his throat. "I just want to know what you want me to do. You're more experienced and I want to be sure that I can please you…"

"You please me fine," Blaine smiled as the traffic started to let up. "I love you. Don't forget that. I don't care if it takes weeks or even years for us to make love. I just want to know that it's something you really want to do. Statistically speaking, most people don't sleep with their first boyfriend…"

Kurt looked out the window. "I want to sleep with you, Blaine… I think I've made that very clear," he took a deep breath. "I just want to connect with you, do all of the things that you've done so we can talk about it and so I can be closer to you…"

Blaine swallowed audibly as he heard Kurt say those words. "All of it?"

Kurt nodded. "I want to do it all…" he moved to place his hand on his lover's shoulder, feeling as the muscles tensed further. "I know that you think that you're pressuring me, but I love you. I feel comfortable around you. I want to give everything to you and I want to be the one who you finally give yourself to."

Blaine focused on driving before he answered. "I want that too…" he smiled as he glanced over quickly at Kurt, both of them knowing that once they were in Lima, everything was going to be better.

OOOOO

Pulling up to the condo was an ordeal for Kurt. The whole time that they were driving from Westerville to Lima Kurt learned all about Blaine's sexual past. He learned all about how far he went with all nine of the guys he was with before. Most of them didn't get past blowjobs, but Wes was different. Wes was able to do almost everything with Blaine. Wes was the first person who introduced Blaine to all of the wonders of sex outside of blowjobs and hand jobs. Kurt looked back on his days at Dalton Academy and he started looking at Wes a different way. He never thought that he had to be jealous of Wes of all people. He had convinced himself that the close relationship between Wes and Blaine was just a deep friendship. He felt like he was robbed of his innocence.

As Blaine stopped the car and opened the door to get out, Kurt looked out to the condo. The word "nice" was an understatement. It was "perfect." He opened his own door and got out of the car and followed Blaine to the trunk.

"Are you not going to talk to me for a while after our whole sexual conversation?" Kurt watched as Blaine pulled out a bag as he watched his boyfriend intently. "You're still blushing…"

"I spent the better part of two hours describing my sex life to you," he pulled out a suitcase, the muscles in his arms tensing, his sleeves riding up to expose his patch. "How do you think I'm feeling right now? The only reason I told you is so you wouldn't dump me. We've been on thin ice for weeks now…"

Kurt's heart broke as he heard those words. "I don't think we're on thin ice…"

"The honeymoon is over, Kurt. It has been for months now," Blaine moved to pull another bag out of the car, Blaine's mood swings rearing their ugly heads again. "The more you know about me, the further we get from each other. I'm sorry if I thought that my sex life was going to be the one thing that I could keep from you. I want you to know that I'm _not _going to stop talking to Wes. Just because you learn these things doesn't mean I have to change my lifestyle."

"That's a little selfish," Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Okay then let's put it this way in order to even the playing field… I want you to stop hanging out with Mercedes," Blaine pulled out another bag.

"I never slept with Mercedes," Kurt knew that this was tension he was trying to avoid. "You had a sexual relationship with Wes."

"Well she hates my guts. I think that if I have to give up the only person who is one hundred percent sympathetic of my needs in this whole stupid, fucked up, shitty world then you have to give up your best friend as well, the only person who is supportive of your needs since I clearly am not who you want to be around anymore."

"I am sympathetic to all of your needs, Blaine. I just don't think that you should believe that the way that you lash out at me is acceptable. If we want to make this work, we're both going to have to put effort into it. I have to understand that you are going to yell at me and you have to understand that I'm not going to coddle you because you're going through a hard time…"

"You sound like my father…"

Those words hit Kurt hard. Kurt knew that slowly Blaine was losing his mind. He was losing everything. It was only a few months ago, that he still had his perfect life. He was the most popular person at Dalton. He had a life that everyone at the whole school was jealous of. In the blink of an eye that was taken from him and he was nothing. Once again in his life Blaine had to start all over again and he just couldn't do it anymore. Never in his life had Kurt had to throw everything away and start fresh. He had no idea how difficult this was.

"I'm sorry," Kurt shook his head as he saw Blaine visibly shake as he closed the trunk. "You're shaking… what does that mean?"

Blaine looked over his shoulder. "It means that I'm not medicated, I'm on a nicotine path, I just left my whole life behind in Westerville, and to top off this horrible equation I am now going to walk into a condo that belongs to a woman who abandoned me when this all started… so I'm sorry if I'm a little jittery right now…"

"I'm just glad you're not pushing my head into the trunk and repeatedly slamming the door closed on me," Kurt tried to make light of the situation. "This is going to be a lot of work for both of us. As long as you keep your pants on around Wes I have problem with you continuing to be his friend…"

Blaine took a deep breath. "Thank you…"

Kurt looked to the doorway of the condo as he grabbed two duffel bags. "Do you think she'll like me?"

"Of course she will, why would she not?" Blaine moved to grab two of the suitcases moving toward the door as Kurt grabbed the last one. "Are you okay with that?"

Kurt nodded. "Yeah… I got it…"

They walked to the door together as Kurt looked over at Blaine. He was pale, his body was trembling. This was a big moment for him. Every second that went by, Kurt could hear his heart beating, hear his breathing become ragged. He wished that he could drop everything and touch him, console him, tell him that everything was going to be okay. Nothing was going to make this right. As they made it to the door, Blaine ran the doorbell, his whole body stiffening as he waited for his mother to open the door and for the madness to begin.

"It's okay," Blaine let out a deep breath, even though this wasn't the first time that he had talked to his mother since she walked out of his life, this was the first time that he was going to be with living her. Kurt could feel how stressed he was. The wait seemed to last forever. When they heard the door open, Kurt could feel his boyfriend's heart stop.

When the door opened, Kurt was confronted with a beautiful woman dressed in an oxford shirt and a pencil skirt. Kurt immediately could see where Blaine had come from. Both of his parents were attractive, but there was only one thing that really stuck out to Kurt: Blaine's mother was one hundred percent Asian. He almost dropped the bags as he looked at her. This wasn't what he had imagined when he thought of Mrs. Anderson.

"Blaine," she moved forward to give her son a hug, Blaine's hands almost dropping the bags. "I was so worried about you. You didn't call before you left so I thought maybe something happened to you…" her attention immediately went to his hand. "What happened to your hand?"

Kurt looked down to see the scar that on the back of Blaine's hand. The evidence was still there of Blaine's meltdown. As his mother looked at the mark on his hand, Kurt could see Blaine's eyes close as he took a deep breath.

"Not in front of Kurt," he grabbed onto the bags as she kissed him on the cheek before turning her attention to Kurt.

"So this is the famous Kurt," she smiled as she backed away from Blaine, her brown eyes looking up and down Kurt's body. "This is the boy that your uncle won't shut up about…"

Kurt was shocked as he felt her small hand touch his shoulder. "Pleasure to meet you…" Kurt knew that Blaine's parents were separated; he didn't want to offend her by calling her by her estranged husband's last name. He could see the confusion in her eyes.

"It's my fault, I told him that you and dad are separated, so he's just a little confused as to how to refer to you…" Blaine moved to lean against the doorframe, the weight of the bags most likely getting to him.

She looked back over at Kurt. "You can call me Mrs. Anderson. It's not like my husband and I are divorced."

That comment earned a forced laugh from Blaine as he looked down at his shoes. "Yeah…"

Kurt looked into the condo as Blaine and his mother exchanged awkward glances. If Kurt thought that the relationship between Blaine and his father was strained, this must have been like they weren't related at all. It was no wonder that his parents never came up in conversation. Kurt had never heard this many awkward silences in his life.

"So can I come in now?" Blaine was being short with his mother. Kurt blamed the nicotine patch. "These bags are really heavy…"

"Sure," she moved out of the way to let them in. "You can go up to your room; I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything…"

Blaine walked past his mother and made his way to the stairs, Kurt following close behind. This was different than any other situation he'd been in. If they were at Kurt's house, his father would never let Blaine go upstairs unless someone else was up there to chaperone them. Even Mr. Anderson, as negligent as he was, would never approve of Blaine going upstairs with another boy. It was obvious now how Blaine had gotten away with his promiscuity over the years. As they made it to the master bedroom, he watched as Blaine practically dropped the bags onto the floor and fell facedown onto the bed.

"Don't you want to unpack?" Kurt asked as he placed the bags gently on the floor before moving closer to the bed.

Blaine shook his head as he rolled onto his side. "No…" he moved to rest his head up against a pillow. "Not in the mood…"

Kurt knew that this had to do with Blaine's mood shifts. "Okay… well what are you in the mood for? Do you want to take a nap?"

Blaine shook his head. "Do you think I'm making the right decision? I mean, it's pretty stupid to move from a private school to a public school that can't even afford toilet paper," he glanced up into Kurt's eyes. "Do you think I'm being stupid?"

Kurt swallowed as he heard that question. "You weren't happy anymore. Why stay at Dalton when it doesn't make you happy?"

Tears came to hazel eyes. "I know, but… do you think I'm letting people down? The Warblers… they don't think they're going to win without me… my father… it's killing him that I'm going to public school… and my mother who I'm living with won't even look me in the eyes," the first tear rolled down his cheek. "I just feel like I'm failing…"

Kurt's heart broke every time Blaine got down on himself. He looked at him and still saw the sexy confident boy from last year. He still saw the person who swept him off of his feet and made him understand what love really was. His breathing was ragged as he struggled to find the words to say to him.

"Do you want to cuddle?" Kurt shrugged his shoulders. "We have a bed…"

Blaine looked toward the open door. "Can you close that?"

Kurt moved to the door, looking over his shoulder as Blaine sat up on the bed. Whenever they closed a door, it always meant one thing: Blaine wanted to fool around. As he closed the door, he heard the sound of Blaine taking off his shoes. It didn't take Kurt long to follow suit, taking off his shoes before leaping onto the bed, taking Blaine's lips in a passionate kiss. Even though they were fighting, at the end of the day Kurt still loved Blaine Anderson more than anything. Blaine had opened up too much today, and once again Kurt didn't want to fight. He didn't want to lose the last person who cared about him, the only person he could ever have a future with. He moved to the hem of Blaine's shirt and pulled it over his head, kissing at his bare chest.

"It's funny, every time we talk about sex, we always wind up making out," Blaine laughed, Kurt's lips moving up his neck. "Sometimes I think you want this more than I do…"

Kurt kissed quickly at Blaine's lips. "I just want to be a good boyfriend…"

"Me too…" Blaine flipped Kurt onto his back, taking control of the situation, Kurt letting out a small yelp as Blaine's weight was on top of him. He kissed at Kurt's neck as he managed to get himself in between Kurt's legs.

It was the same old story. They would make out. Blaine would get on top of him. They would grind. They would finish. Blaine would pass out of top of Kurt. Even though it should be stale, knowing everything that they were going to do, Kurt still loved the feeling of Blaine's breath on his skin, his weight pressing up against him, the smell of his cologne. Slowly they shed more articles of clothes, starting with their pants and then to the multiple layers that Kurt had to wear, not knowing that his boyfriend was going to turn into a testosterone laden Neanderthal after a two hour drive (he should know better by now). Kurt got comfortable as they were lying on the bed, making out wearing nothing but their underwear. Then somehow it started to change course. Blaine rose off of Kurt and moved to kiss at his stomach, his hands gripping his hips tightly.

Kurt inhaled sharply. "What are you doing down there?"

Blaine dipped his tongue into Kurt's navel, electricity running up his spinal cord as his brain begged for more. His fingers dug deeper into his lover's hips, the force no doubt generating small bruises as Kurt arched into the pleasure letting out a small series of moans, his legs shaking as they spread further apart.

"Blaine, your mother is downstairs…" Kurt breathed his voice deep in his throat as he was assaulted with Blaine's kisses. "And you know I'm vocal… I don't want you to get in trouble."

"She's not paying attention," Blaine kissed at one of Kurt's hipbones as his fingers pulling down his boyfriend's underwear. "Besides, she knows what I'm doing. She's the dumbass who let me up here with my boyfriend…" he licked along Kurt's stomach, gaining another shaky moan, his breath mixing with his saliva to make an irresistible combination, his legs shaking as he felt his flesh hardening.

"Blaine…" Kurt tried to keep quiet as his boyfriend continued to lick, suck, kiss, and bite at his skin. "I love you…"

"You're going to love me even more when I'm done with you…" Blaine moved his lips lower as he kissed at Kurt's hipbones, his hands moving to Kurt's legs to raise them up as his mouth went lower and lower still.

Kurt closed his eyes as Blaine peppered his thighs with sweet short kisses, his tongue sliding from his knee down to in between his legs. Blaine was being aggressive, hungrily taking control of Kurt's body, pushing him to an edge that he never thought he would venture to. After the two hour conversation about vanilla sex, Blaine no doubt got the impression that Kurt wanted it to be a little more _adventurous_. His tongue ran along Kurt's perineum, sending a tsunami of pleasure through his body, his muscles tightening as he grabbed a fistful of sheets. It was at that moment where Kurt understood where this was heading as Blaine's tongue continued to slide lower.

"Wait!" Kurt's eyes shot open as he looked down at Blaine who had backed away. "What are you doing?"

Blaine took a deep breath. "I…"

Kurt connected the dots. "Blaine, what possessed you to…?"

The blush on Blaine's face made Kurt almost chuckle. "I just thought that… maybe…" he raised his eyebrows as he took a deep breath. "Too much, too fast?"

Kurt was an expert at those words. Their relationship was very passionate and they had explored almost every inch of each other's bodies, but it had taken them a while to get there. Until the end of junior year, Kurt wouldn't let Blaine touch him below the belly button with his hands let alone his mouth. Over the summer was when Kurt and Blaine had made most of their sexual progress even almost having sex once which came to a standstill in September until the "cutting" incident. Now, Blaine was trying to speed up their sexual relationship again. This was another milestone.

"Aren't you afraid I'm… _dirty_?" Kurt looked toward the wall, hearing Blaine chuckle at the question. "Oh come on… you know what I mean… that part of my body has a purpose you know and it's not to pleasure you…"

"I know… but you showered this morning and I think all the other… _unmentionables_… have been taken care of," Blaine had not moved from his position between Kurt's legs, his hands running up and down his lover's open thighs. "So all we need is your consent…"

Kurt swallowed hard. "This is so weird…" he watched as Blaine kissed at his stomach with the same mouth that he just tried to ambush him with. "I thought you said that I didn't have to do this is I don't want to…"

"I haven't done it yet…" Blaine shrugged his shoulders as he looked up into Kurt's eyes. "You can put your pants back on if you want to…"

Kurt could hear the disappointment in Blaine's voice. He said he didn't think he was boring, but if there was one thing that Kurt knew about Blaine Anderson it was that he was a very good liar. Blaine was a sexual creature. Kurt was too conservative to do half of the things that Blaine wanted to do, but in the end when he tried them he found that he thoroughly enjoyed everything that he did with Blaine. He looked up into his lover's eyes, moving one of his hands from the sheets to stroke his face. Blaine trembled in Kurt's grasp as they moved to kiss each other deeply on the lips, their chests pressing together as breathing increased and muscles tensed. Pushing his hands to Blaine's bare shoulder blades, Kurt gave his consent.

"Okay…" he breathed.

"Okay?" Blaine's voice was a breathy whisper. "Okay…"

Kurt closed his eyes as he felt kisses trail from his neck to his stomach, bracing himself for what was going to happen. As he felt his tongue run up against his flesh, Kurt knew that their lives had changed. Blaine was in Lima. Things were getting serious.

* * *

><p>This chapter was long overdue (due to writer's block and losing faith in the season three canon) so I made it longer to make up for it. I also added a sexual scene at the end (for those who didn't understand what was happening, Blaine gave Kurt a rimjob). I also know that Mrs. Anderson only had a few lines, but she is supposed to be a negligent parent so...<p>

The next chapter will be Blaine's first day at McKinley High.

Feel free to leave feedback.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do. I also don't own the song "Crucify" by Tori Amos.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is some strong language, references to underage drinking, references to nicotine use, and psychological issues (eating disorder, mood disorder, and cutting). Also there is most likely some OOC. This also doesn't completely (some parts do) adhere to the season three canon. There are also most likely errors that I missed, because that's how I am.

**Summary: **After he suffers a nervous breakdown as demons from his past reemerge to haunt him, Blaine's life starts to fall apart as slowly he loses everything that he holds dear. But once someone falls that far, can they ever get back what they've lost?

* * *

><p>Blaine walked down the hallway. This was a totally new place. No one knew here. He was able to walk down the hall knowing that this was his chance at a normal life. For one in the past few months he was free from all of the torment and all of the looks. He was able to be Blaine Anderson, not <em>Razor Blaine<em> and it seemed like everything was going to be going his way. Although he felt naked and alone, he knew that the feeling would soon dissolve as he fell into the background.

He walked to the locker that he was assigned, relishing in the fact that most of the school didn't know who he was. He watched as Finn walked by, but didn't even look over at him. He most likely didn't recognize Blaine without the blazer. Smiling, he opened his locker. The first day was going to be a cakewalk.

"Blaine?" he looked over to see Rachel walking up to him, he retracted his last thought. "Is that you?"

He smiled as he looked into her eyes, trying to act as normal as possible even though he could feel an uncomfortable cocktail of chemicals running through his nerves. He had to act natural, he had to. "Hey Rachel…"

She moved forward to hug him. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at Dalton Academy?"

He rolled his eyes at her stupidity. "I'm not wearing my uniform," he turned to her to expose his outfit. "I'm using a locker," he motioned toward said locker. "Do you understand what that means? I go here now…"

Her eyes lit up as she was speechless for a few seconds. "Wait? Are you serious?"

He nodded as he moved his attention back to his locker, trying to ignore as she practically jumped for joy. "I hope so. Otherwise my parents are going to skin me alive. This was a very costly, time consuming, emotionally taxing practical joke. I think that me moving two hours away from home would be the last thing that I wanted to do as an April Fool's joke."

"It's October, Blaine," Rachel leaned up against the lockers. "Does Kurt know?"

He nodded hoping to keep this conversation shallow, not wanting to go into too much depth. "He helped me move. He was the one who convinced me to come to this cesspool," he closed his locker before leaning up against it. "You're the first person who noticed me all day. I mean if you don't count Puckerman doing a double take, but he most likely thought he was having a hallucination."

Rachel laughed as he ran her hand down his shoulder. "So are you joining New Directions? Like I said, we could really use your voice. You're really talented, probably one of the most talented guys I've ever met. We could really use your upbeat voice and your electric stage presence, not to mention your charming schoolboy looks."

He chuckled as he heard those words. "I think I'm obligated to…"

"Why?" Rachel was fully engaged in this conversation.

Blaine closed his eyes as he remembered the scenario from yesterday. After a long drive, he and Kurt shared a moment that was going to change their relationship forever. Kurt had never been that intimate with him before— so close, so vulnerable— and it changed the face of their relationship. After they had finished their intimate encounter and Blaine was forced to rinse with copious amounts of mouthwash, Kurt had told him that there was no way that Blaine was getting out of joining New Directions. It was all worth it just to hear the noises that Kurt was making, to feel his muscles tense as he was brought closer to the edge, to taste the flavor of his flesh as he fully gave in— it was a fair trade.

"Let's just say that I owe it to him," Blaine tightened his hand on the strap of his messenger bag, trying to hide the shaking of his hands as his body was screaming at him for comfort— for his pills. "Anyway, you can tell your boyfriend not to worry. I'm not going to commandeer the vessel known as the New Directions. I'm just here for a change of scenery…" he knew what she was going to ask next before she even said anything. He couldn't let her get the best of him. "My parents are separated and my mother wants me to live with her for a while. She said that she missed me. So I gave in. The woman was going to press charges if my father didn't relinquish me."

"Sounds intense," Rachel watched as Blaine started to walk down the hallway.

"Oh it is intense, but my father always wins in the end. He's a highly successful attorney who has never lost a case. Long story short, he can convince people to do anything he wants them to," he walked down the hallway hurriedly to try to get away from her. "I have to get to class. Just because I'm the new kid, doesn't mean that I can freeload on my first day."

"Why are you avoiding me? You've been kind of short lately, and not just with me, with anyone who tries to talk to you," she still followed him as she continued to cross the line with her inquisition. "The last time we talked you barely paid attention to me when I asked you questions. I talked to Kurt about you and he didn't say anything. What's going on between the two of you? Are you two okay?"

Blaine knew that the first day at a new school was going to be tough, but he never thought that it was going to be absolutely painful. The more that Rachel talked the more he wanted to slap her across the face. The more she pried, the more he wished she would go away. If Rachel knew, the whole school would know in no time and there was no way that he could survive another breakdown. He stopped as he looked behind him to see her.

"Nothing," he turned to walk down the hall. "We're fine, Rachel." It was going to be a long day.

He continued his walk as he watched Kurt talking to Mercedes. He hadn't even said hello to him since they drove to school together. He was ignoring him. He didn't even look at him as he passed by. Blaine wanted to wave, he wanted to cut in one their conversation, but he knew that he was just going to be iced out. So he went his lonely voyage down the hallways as he was completely ignored. At Dalton at least then people would have acknowledged him in the first ten minutes he was here. McKinley was different, he could set himself on fire and no one would turn their head. This was going to be the end of Razor Blaine. He could finally rest in peace.

OOOOO

Quinn walked to her locker as she watched Puck pass her. The whole school year he was unable to take his eyes off of her. After last year, she thought that there would be nothing between them. They had broken up before junior year had started and they had walked different paths. She walked the road with Sam Evans, whereas he found comfort in Lauren Zizes. They were with people that were the complete opposite of each other. As she made her way to her locker she took a deep breath. There were only a few more months to go through before they graduated.

Then the last person she wanted to talk to right now came up to her. "Hey Quinn," Santana leaned up against the lockers. "Did you hear the rumor?"

"What rumor?" Quinn rolled her eyes. "I have no time for games, Santana…"

Santana was never one to drag anything out, it was always quick with her. "Blanderson is at McKinley. I saw him walking down the hallway. I could recognize that tight ass from anywhere," she smiled as she shrugged her shoulders. "Are you ready for our plan?"

"You mean seducing him into the New Directions?" Quinn closed her locker as she looked over at Santana. "Isn't that what you do the best?"

"Yeah, but he won't trust me," her voice was thick with an evil that Quinn didn't know was humanly possible. "You however have that sweet, girl next door innocence. He'll fall for that and he'll follow you like a lost puppy. You could tell him to jump off of a cliff and he would do it."

"I don't know. This sounds a little shady," Quinn took a deep breath, trying her hardest to back out of this plan while it was still young and Blaine was still in one piece. "Are you sure he's not going to get hurt?"

"How is he going to get hurt? If anything Finn's the one who's going to get hurt," it was obvious that Santana hadn't though this plan through as it was obvious that Blaine could get hurt if Finn got pissed enough.

Quinn knew that she was a heartless person. She had hurt dozens of people in her high school reign. Yet in the end, all of that pain got her nothing. She was alone. Her senior year was supposed to be her last chance at humanity, and slowly it was fading away as Santana pried it from her for their own selfish gains. She looked around to see if Blaine was anywhere in sight to get it over with, but she didn't see him. This was her last chance to make something of herself. This was her last chance to be a part of something special. Having Blaine at the top would make her special. And as long as he didn't get hurt there she wouldn't lose the shred of innocence that she had left.

"Where is he now?" Quinn asked, knowing that this was a really bad idea. She was taking a bite of the forbidden apple, too stupid to spit it out because it tasted so good. "You said that you saw him, right?"

Santana smiled as she knew she had won again. "He's at lunch with Hummel. You wait for Hummel to leave and you walk up to him and you befriend him, seduce him. Do whatever it takes for him to listen to you. And then you get him to sing a kickass song in glee club today that will make Finn tremble in his oversized pants," she turned to walk away. "Don't let me down, Fabray…"

Quinn nodded as she knew that this was plan was now in motion. Somehow, deep down on the inside, she knew someone was going to get hurt.

OOOOO

Honestly, lunch wasn't much better. Although Kurt had managed to get him to sit with Mercedes and Tina as opposed to his dream to sit all by himself in the corner he still felt like he was being judged. Tina would periodically look over at him to smile whereas Mercedes was staring him down with the hopes that he would spontaneously combust. He nervously took a sip of water as he tried to be invisible the whole time.

"So you actually got Blaine to transfer?" Mercedes was still looking over at him as he took another nervous sip. "I thought we were supposed to leave him alone or you'd quit…"

"Let's just say that I used my powers of persuasion to get him to leave Dalton and come with me to McKinley. I didn't think that our budding love was going to be able to survive the two hours between us or the fact that his show choir was going to tear us a new one," Kurt wrapped his arm around Blaine's shoulders as if trying to make him feel involved in the conversation, but failing as Blaine was unable to get a word in. "Now that he's here we may have a chance at annihilating the Warblers."

"Don't get ahead of yourselves," Blaine whispered into his water bottle before taking another sip.

The meal continued in silence as Kurt was hurriedly eating food that Blaine never thought that he ate. Hot dogs and French fries were the last things that Blaine ever saw his boyfriend shove down his throat. Watching intently as he stuffed more food into his face, gulping it down without even chewing it more than twice, Blaine knew that there was something going on with him. Mercedes and Tina didn't seem to care as they kept talking about what they were going to be doing after school. He could feel the pressure slowly building inside of him as he felt like he was a stranger in a strange land. Breath was starting to catch in his throat as he knew that he was in Hell. The first day and he was already on the verge of a panic attack.

Suddenly Kurt clutched his stomach. "I ate too fast…"

Blaine broke out of his stupor. "Are you okay?"

Kurt shook his head. "I'm gonna puke…" he got out of his seat making his way toward the exit of the cafeteria. Panic set into Blaine as he realized that he was going to be alone in a crowd of people he didn't know.

"Wait!" Blaine looked at Mercedes and Tina and then back at Kurt, his breathing erratic as more panic washed over him. "I'll go with you…"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Hearing me puke isn't exactly on my list of things that I want you to do…" he placed a hand on Blaine's shoulder, rubbing his gently. "I'll be right back. I just need to go puke and then we can talk…"

As Kurt walked away, Blaine watched as Mercedes and Tina got out of their seats to follow him. Now the only two people that he was familiar with in his general vicinity were leaving. He really was alone. "Where are you going?"

"To help Kurt," Tina answered.

"You'll be fine here by yourself right?" Mercedes put on her best fake smile. "After all, you must be used to being by yourself. You don't really have the most glowing of personalities, I can't imagine that you do well at making friends," she moved closer to him as Tina walked away, Blaine could feel a chill as he looked into her eyes. "I don't trust you…" she moved closer still. "I don't trust you as far as I can throw you and I doubt I can throw you that far. You come here all smiles and giggles, but I want you to know one thing: this show choir means the world to Kurt so if this is part of a large elaborate plan to get us out of the way I want you to get your yoga toned ass back to Dalton…"

Blaine held back and outburst as his arm started to burn, the pressure building up. "I am taking this seriously. I want you to know there's no ulterior motive. I'm taking this _very_ seriously. I know what this is all about, Mercedes," he took a deep breath as he tried to gather the correct words without going crazy on her. "And I think that we should squash this irrational argument before it escalates into something we'll both regret."

"You have no idea what this is about…" she moved to walk by him, bumping forcefully into his shoulder as she did.

He let out a deep breath as he fought the urge to scream and chase after her. All day he was getting stares from the New Directions. The same people who had been tweeting and texting him for months were now wondering what the hell he was doing at their school. No doubt they thought he was going to single handedly turn their club into "The Blaine Anderson Show featuring the New Directions." He finished off his water bottle before he grabbed one of the French fries that Kurt left behind in his savage feeding frenzy. All of a sudden tetanus sounded like the least of his troubles. One fry turned into several as he fed his anxiety, his mouth now full of potatoes as the pressure started to subside.

He was broken out of his stupor when he heard someone sit down. "Hey…"

Looking up at who it was, he swallowed hard on his mouthful of fries before trying to struggle for the words to say her name. Out of all of the people at McKinley, she was the last one who he ever expected to talk to him. She was the only one who hadn't contacted him. The only one who never said more than a few sentences to him. He struggled for words as she smiled at him, moving closer.

"I heard you were here…" her smile sent chills down his spine. "So the rumors are true: Blaine Anderson has graced us with his godly presence."

"Quinn," he choked on her name as he found himself awkwardly gawking at her, his body temperature rising. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" Everything that he could have been doing wrong came flashing through his mind. "Am I sitting in your seat? You can have it back," he was rambling as he scrambled to get away from the table. "I'm so sorry… I didn't mean to intrude…"

Quinn chuckled as she watched him, grabbing his wrist tightly. "Relax Blaine. I'm not going to eat you…"

"I'm sorry, I've just heard a lot of rumors that you've given up on humanity," he watched as she looked away from him, his words no doubt striking a very sensitive nerve. "But you haven't really changed that much in my opinion. Still beautiful, still smart, still powerful, still Quinn…"

He moved back to the table both of them taking deep breaths. "How much crap have you gotten on your first day?"

Blaine shook his head. "Rachel is practically asking me to marry her, Kurt is ignoring me, Finn keeps giving me death glares, and Mercedes just threatened me," he took a quick sip of Kurt's water bottle before looking over at her. "All in all, I'm having a shitty day."

Quinn laughed as she moved closer to him. "They're all just shocked to see that you actually transferred— I know I am," she smiled again, sending chills down Blaine's spine. "I thought you were having fun at Dalton…"

"I was," he wanted to tell her so much. If there was one person at McKinley who could understand what he was going through, it was Quinn Fabray. He wanted to tell her about his breakdowns, about his mood swings, about his dark past, but he couldn't let anyone but Kurt know. He had to stay positive and in the dark until December. "But I have my reasons for transferring…"

"We all have our demons," Quinn shrugged her shoulders. "We don't need to talk about it if you don't want to. God knows I've been through shit that people my age would never imagine going through at my age," she held her water bottle close to her as she placed a hand on his shoulder. "But if anything gets too tough for you, I want you to know that I will listen to you, okay?"

He nodded as he took another sip of water. "Thank you…"

"You wanna ditch lunch?" she asked as she took a deep breath. "We can go for a walk off of school grounds or go under the bleachers and have a smoke…"

Blaine's mouth hung open as he heard those words, suddenly he wanted a cigarette. "You smoke?"

"Occasionally," she shrugged her shoulders. "Takes some of the edge off of the day and it's better than drinking. I've made some really bad choices when I drink…"

"Haven't we all?" His past flashed before his eyes, all of the images in his head involved him holding some sort of bottle of alcohol.

She took a deep breath as she moved to caress his thigh with her hand. "Want to get out of here and just unwind?"

Blaine took a deep breath. He should have waited for Kurt. Yet at the same time, the whole day Kurt had been abandoning him, ignoring him, choosing his friends over him even though he knew that Blaine was going to be having a tough first day. He moved to grasp her hand and smiled as he looked into her eyes. This was the first bad decision that he knew he was going to make at McKinley.

"Okay," he stood up, leaving the mess of food and tray behind as he grasped her hand. "Let's go…"

OOOOO

Kurt walked out of the stall as the toilet flushed as he walked toward the sink. He took a deep breath as he realized that this was getting out of hand. The sound of running water was all that he had to block out the fact that he had just abandoned his boyfriend in a cafeteria with a group of people he didn't know, his un-medicated boyfriend who had psychotic mood swings alone in a room full of people who had no idea what he was capable of.

Again, his disorder took control of his life. He should have been spending lunch with Blaine, but his dreams seemed more important. In only a few weeks he was to be in New York to audition for Juilliard. He had to look his best. He had to beat Rachel out. He had to get this or his dreams were going to be crushed. As much as he loved Blaine, he couldn't let his dreams pass by, he couldn't let him down. He had to keep doing this until he finally won in the end, until he got everything he wanted.

As he turned off the sink, he heard laughter pass the bathroom door. He knew that laugh. He heard that laugh everyday of his life before the drama started to overflow. Someone was making Blaine laugh and they were walking right by the bathroom. He wiped his mouth as he ran as fast as he could out the door. There practically skipping down the hallway was his boyfriend, his arm wrapped around Quinn Fabray.

"Blaine?" Kurt walked into the hallway, practically running after them before they came to a full stop. "Where are you going?"

Blaine smiled as he took a deep breath. Kurt hated it when Blaine was bluntly honest. This was one time where he wished his boyfriend would lie to him again.. "We're going to get a cig and shoot the shit."

Kurt's heart broke at those words. "A cig? Like a cigarette?" Blaine nodded as a smile formed on his face "I thought we weren't smoking anymore? I thought that we were better than that…"

"It's just one cigarette, Kurt," Blaine rolled his eyes as he tightened his arm around Quinn, Kurt's eyes falling on her, disgust rising in his body as he knew that she was somehow behind this. "Besides, I got me a new friend… you did want me to make friends didn't you. Seeing as Mercedes and Tina abandoned me, Quinn here was nice enough to keep me company. Now like friends we're going to go have a cigarette and talk like pals."

Kurt looked over at Quinn. She was up to something. For the whole school year, Quinn barely spoke to anyone. Now he she was, gallivanting down the hallway with her black painted fingernails all over his man. He knew he shouldn't be jealous of girls having their hands all over his homosexual boyfriend, but after the instance with Rachel last year, he was wary of having any gender close to his boyfriend. He looked at Quinn and then back at Blaine. He knew he could get past this.

"I appreciate that you have friends, but I don't think you should be smoking," he moved forward to place a hand on Blaine's shoulder looking straight into his eyes. "I'll see you at glee practice."

He moved forward to place a kiss on Blaine's lips, his eyes looking straight at Quinn before he deepened the kiss. Quinn was unfazed by it and looked at it like it was an everyday occurrence. Blaine's arm moved from Quinn to wrap around Kurt, a small moan passing his lips as he was getting a little too into it. He slid his tongue past Kurt's lips as he slowly moved to push Kurt up against the wall.

"Okay, that's enough…" he pushed Blaine away as he looked around the hallway to see if anyone saw that. The last thing he needed was for Blaine to get into trouble for making out with another guy in the middle of the hallways of one of the most homophobic schools in Ohio. "Go have fun, but no smoking!"

Blaine nodded before wrapping his arm around Quinn again, making his way down the hallway, his eyes looking back at Kurt. Suddenly, Kurt was kicking himself for ignoring him all day. It was only a matter of time before one of the "Unholy Trinity" was able to scoop him up. He had his money on Santana, but Quinn was just as bad, and more evil. Santana was very openly evil whereas Quinn was a lot more subdued. He took a deep breath as he knew that in the end, Blaine was going to get hurt.

OOOOO

By the time rehearsal came, Kurt was already worried. Blaine had disappeared with Quinn and he had shown no signs of coming back. Under normal circumstances, he would have been fine. These were not normal circumstances. His un-medicated, beer chugging, cigarette smoking, horny boyfriend had just disappeared and he wasn't answering any of Kurt's text messages. In his mind he was already planning his missing boyfriend posters, hoping that he could find a good picture that would really represent just how good looking Blaine Anderson was.

Then as he was ready to call the police, Blaine came sauntering in with Quinn.

"He's here!" Quinn cheered as several of the members of the club ran down to give Blaine a hug. Mercedes, Finn, and Kurt opted out of the hug as they were confused as to what was going on with Blaine. He was a little more happy than usual, his eyes were glittering as he laughed, his arms wrapped tightly around Rachel as he practically lifted her off of the floor.

"Okay, okay," Blaine smiled as they got back to their seats. "Thank you, thank you. It's an honor to be here really. We're all going to win Nationals this year," he looked over at Quinn and then at the rest of the club, his eyes meeting Kurt's sending chills down the older boy's spine as it was an intense glare. "I know that you all know I can sing. I mean I was your competition last year…"

"Blaine, just get to the point," Quinn whispered in Blaine's ear, keeping a smile on her face. Kurt was really starting not to like their relationship. Quinn was way to hands on with her boyfriend and it was only his first day of school.

"Right," he nodded as he took a deep breath, trying desperately to compose himself before finally getting to the point of his speech. "I have prepared a song for you… as a way to transition into your group…"

"Katy Perry?" Mike asked with a smile.

"Uh no," Blaine looked at his feet with a grin before looking back up, continuing with his introduction. "Something a little more _mature_ than that…"

"P!nk?" Artie was just as unhelpful as Mike was.

Before Blaine could get another word in Mike spoke up again. "Taylor Swift?"

Blaine shook his head, trying to get to the point. "No, I picked a song that I like to listen to when I'm feeling down, a song that has really helped me over the past few weeks with some personal affairs that you all no doubt have heard about. This song gives me strength; it helps me understand that things are going to get better…"

"Is it about being gay?" Puck asked, gaining a scoff from Quinn. "What? He said _it gets better_…"

Blaine ignored their spat and kept talking. "It's a song that's about a personal struggle but as I said in the end it gets better," he looked over his shoulder at the band. "Remember the song that we talked about?" they nodded as he took a deep breath before the music started to the selection that he had made

Kurt took a deep breath as he knew that he was talking about. Without saying anything Blaine was revealing to everyone about his difficult transition into potentially having a more severe mental illness, hating himself, and how everyone around him was struggling to come to terms with it. As he looked into his lover's eyes, Kurt could feel the tears pooling in his own. Even now, after falling off the wagon and having a cigarette, Blaine was the bravest person that he knew. Kurt sat back and waited for the song.

"_Every finger in the room is pointing at me,_

_I wanna spit in their faces, then I get afraid of what that could bring._

_I got a bowling ball in my stomach. I got a desert in my mouth,_

_Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now."_

Kurt knew this song. He heard Blaine humming it in the car on the way to the psychiatrist, every morning when he was at his house, when they drove to school this morning. This song was everywhere Blaine was. It was practically his anthem. Kurt could feel the tears in his eyes as he looked around at all of the smiling faces who were fascinated by Blaine's insane talent, not at the fact that this song had a deeper meaning, that this song was the only thing that was keeping him from drowning. Kurt rested his hand over his chest as he watched Quinn stand by him. He was trying to get past the jealousy.

Rachel was looking longingly at Blaine as she mouthed the words that he was singing, impressed with the raw emotion that was in the notes emitting from his mouth. Kurt watched as Finn's arm tightened on Rachel as he was clearly threatened by this, slowly he could see his crown fading away as Blaine and his damn talent stole the whole room.

"_I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets,_

_Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets._

_I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in,_

_Just what God needs, one more victim."_

Kurt closed his eyes as all of the moments that they shared flashed through his memories. He remembered the day when he first saw the cut on Blaine's hand, the helplessness that was in his eyes as he begged Kurt to continue loving him, to see him as something special, to see him as the same person that he fell in love with. Blaine was the person who he was in love with. No matter what happened, he would always be the person that he was in love with.

"_Why do we crucify ourselves?_

_Every day I crucify myself._

_And nothing I do is good enough for you,_

_I crucify myself,_

_My heart is sick being oh my heart is sick of being in chains."_

As he watched everyone around the room smile and whisper to each other he knew that Blaine was going to fit right in. Never had Blaine done a song that was so emotional, so naked. It was like they were hearing Blaine for the first time and not the glitz that he was so famous for. As they sang along with him, Kurt knew that all of his worries of Blaine falling into the darkness was starting to go away.

"_Got a kick for a dog, begging for love,_

_I gotta have my suffering so that I can have my cross._

_I know a cat named Easter he says 'Will you never learn? _

_You're just an empty cage, boy, if you kill the bird.'"_

Kurt stood up and walked down to stand by Blaine as his boyfriend kept singing, to get closer to him, looking him in the eyes before more of them started making their way to the choir room floor, getting into the performance in their usual New Directions way, Mercedes and Finn still sitting in their chairs as more filtered to front and center.

Kurt could see the jealousy in their eyes as he knew what it meant for them. Mercedes would be getting even less solos than she already was getting and Finn would be dethroned and Blaine would get all of the solos with Rachel. Kurt ignored them as he wrapped his arm around his boyfriend as he continued to sing.

"_I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets,_

_Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets._

_I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in,_

_Got enough guilt to start my own religion."_

Blaine's singing caused an awakening in Kurt. As he watched him sing, he felt closer to him. He was seeing a whole new side to him that he didn't even know existed. With his arm wrapped tight around Blaine's waist as everyone sang along with him, Kurt knew that this was the person that he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. He sang along with everyone as he knew that they finally had a chance of winning the whole competition. For once everything was going right for them. They were on top of their game. That was until Kurt noticed something that made his bones freeze in fear.

"_Why do we crucify ourselves?_

_Every day I crucify myself._

_And nothing I do is good enough for you,_

_I crucify myself._

_Every day I crucify myself,_

_My heart is sick being. I said my heart is sick of being in chains."_

Finn was clearly threatened by the vocal runs and the perfect notes that came from Blaine's lips. He was now sitting in his chair, his arms crossed in front of his chest as he looked at Rachel who was right next to Blaine, singing her heart out. Kurt noticed, hoping that nothing violent would come out of this, hoping that Finn was a big enough man to not attack Blaine just because he was a good singer. Kurt looked at Finn and then back at Blaine. This was one feud that would never end well.

"_Please be,_

_Save me,_

_I cry."_

Kurt's fear of a Finn and Blaine face off was murdered as he looked at another interaction in the room. As Quinn was singing back up for Blaine as he continued with the song, she was smiling at Santana. Kurt didn't know what was going on between the two of them, he just knew that he didn't like it. Nothing good ever came out of the two of them spending time with one another. Holding onto Blaine tighter, he ignored the two of them focusing on the notes that Blaine was singing, feeling the breath filter in and out of his lungs with every note.

"_I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets,_

_Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets._

_I've been raising up my hands, drive another nail in,_

_Where are those angels when you need them?"_

Finn faltered as Blaine hit the high notes, threatened by the power and presence of Blaine and the spell that he had cast over the glee club. His eyes followed everyone as they circled around Blaine singing with him, smiling at him. It was all going away. Slowly the dynamic that the New Directions had slowly disappeared, they had become the Warblers— mindlessly smiling and giggling around Blaine.

"_Why do we crucify ourselves?_

_Every day I crucify myself._

_And nothing I do is good enough for you,_

_I crucify myself._

_My heart is sick being. I said my heart is sick of being in chains."_

As the song came to a close, everyone wrapped their arms around Blaine, holding him closely as they exclaimed their happiness and their hopes for winning the whole competition. As Kurt embraced his boyfriend tightly, he knew one thing was certain. After seeing every moment that they shared from the staircase at Dalton to this moment right here, Kurt knew that he was madly in love with Blaine Anderson. Watching Blaine sing that song, such a personal song that left him so naked and exposed, watching him be so honest with himself instead of hiding behind the glitter and bubblegum of his Top 40 choices made Kurt know one thing: everything was checked off his list— he was ready.

* * *

><p>This chapter in my opinion is the weakest of the seventeen, but I still liked it. I used the song "Crucify" because I thought it described the sitaution that Blaine is going through as well as the fact that I LOVE that song. Also at the end, yes that means that Kurt is ready for sex with Blaine.<p>

This chapter also brought to light a lot of the feuds that will be going on in the group as the stort progresses.

The next chapter will be Kurt and Blaine discussing Kurt's trip to New York as well as them thinking about making a huge decision.

Feel free to leave feedback.

Side note: Loved Blaine's flip out in the last episode of Glee, really got me in the mood to write this story... Blaine's anger issues are SO canon.


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